Love Strikes Again

Sometimes things happen when you lease expected it. After my way in which my marriage end and hope I felt my friends betrayed me during that experience. I was more fearful of people, more fearful of having and exposing my feelings to and for anyone. Then came Teacup and love came creeping unexpectingly back in my life again. So I took a chance, felt it would be unfair to blame or hold something against something that they had no knowledge of or did. I opened my heart up again and let things flow naturally. Now six months later, I'm in extreme pain, face with another broken heart. I'm once again being punished by love, my only crime being that I fell in love. This pain that I'm feeling is so unbearable I've become at times numb to it. Often I have to fight back tears, fight back the anger and rage I feel about the situation. My heart literally feel like its in pain and there's nothing I can do about it. I love someone so much that it hurt and destroying me form within. How do I move on from this when all I feel is pain, how can I see the good in anyone anymore after all I've gone through these few years with love.

I'm so tired of being hurt, loving people. How do I not be angry at the world, myself, love, women. I love Teacup so much and all I wanted to do was be happy. I've decided that I can't do this anymore, the depth of pain I feel is beyond measurable. I've completely isolated myself as best I can. I'm in a state of constant depression hiding behind a fake smile. Everytime I love, no matter what I do differently I'm the one who end up hurt, alone, in love, in tears, depress, etc. I'm a shell of the man I use to be, I'm in such a dark place no light can reach me. All because I love someone. I can't do this anymore, she's the last one. My heart goes with her because I need it no more. No more love, relationship, trust, faith in something that hurt so much. I've tried but always fail, so I won't try anymore. She's the last person I'm going to love, the last person I'm going to give myself to. The last person that will cause me such pain. She's the last person I will allow me to get this close to me. I can't continue to put my heart through this. I've loved for the last time, cried for the last time, feel for the last time. Love has damaged me for the last time.

FUCK LOVE!!

Yaad 2 Yard’s Progress

Yaad2Yard is up and running on Facebook and I'm nervous about it. Its like watching your baby take their first step, your mindful of ever movement they make and your primary concern is their safety; or as in my case how well the page will be received and will anyone purchase someone. I find myself more interested in the negative feedback, if any, from people who visit or buy from me. But overall I'm both excited and nervous. This is a small accomplishment for me, the page represent that I'm trying to do something especially something I've never done before. I want people to like the stuff on there but I know not everyone will. Some will like what I offer but find the price high. So Yaad2Yard is official public now, I'm a business own once again. That phase was the easy part, the next phase and the next challenge is to make it profitable.

Music Listening

I’m slowly able to start listening to music again. A few weeks ago I played some classical music for the first time this year and earlier this evening I played some jazz music. Overall playing any kind of music make me sad and I definitely still have a hard listening to any R&B music. No matter where I am and I hear it I try to tone it out but I would always get depress by it. Crazy enough jazz and classical though I feel like I’m rediscovering music again if I play it too much like I would normally do with that kind of music I would then start to feel lonely. Its difficult doing through what I’m dealing with and one would think music would be something to help relax me but for the most part in only make the pain hurt more. Little by little I’m going to play more jazz and classical music, after those are my favorite genres beside R&B. But R&B is definitely off the menu until further notice, just can’ handle it. Its weird to actually go through the day purposely avoiding listening or playing any form or music. I suppose its one of those things that has changed with me….

Learning Isolation

My experience here in Jamaica is coming to an end, hopefully. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. As I sit and reflection on the journey I've made I'm tearful. It wasn't easy and still not easy as I'm writing this. I've gone through some very emotional experiences and to a large part still going through them. Me leaving Jamaica won't be the end of my tears but it will be the beginning of me understanding something that I've had to dwelt with very painfully; isolation. I'm learning very painfully to be alone both emotionally and physically, I'm learning very painful to enjoy my own company, to love only me. I'm once again learning detachment and voluntary isolation. What happened between her and I broke me, it nearly destroyed me. I don't know how or where I got the strength from but somehow, someway I made it through. I'll admit I'm not completely through it, I'm not over her; I'm very much in love with her. I would want nothing else but to return to the family I see in and with her but I know that won't happen. It is something I have to painfully expect and get through. As a combination of mostly that experience and being away from everything and those I hold dear I'm learning that it is nice again okay to be alone; physically and emotionally. In the past year I've detach myself for almost everyone I know. I think collectively both in Jamaica and in the U.S. I talk to about 20 people and if your referring to on a more personal level that number perhaps is reduce to less than half. Love and life painfully is teaching me that less is more, few is better and safer and love is pain. I wish things were different, I believe I was on a path a different path, a more loving, socialable and family oriented path with her and those I had back in LA. Now the path I'm on is void of that, void of most emotions, void of affection and interactions. I'm starting to feel great being alone, starting to feel comfortable not being around anyone. And as my love slowly and painfully fade away for Dee it is replaced with the understanding and acceptance that life is an isolated one. You were born alone, most of us live alone and we will all die alone. I still believe that humans are social creatures, we want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known and we want friends. But I now believe that won't be me, each time I try to be that person the experience end painfully usually with me in constant tears while those who I care for and even love move on happily as if I wasn't even a thought. That's a torturing experience to endure, the one you love loving someone else and as you sit there crying begging for another chance they treat your feelings as if it wasn't important enough to stop and understand that someone love them more than life itself. I don't want to feel and experience that anymore, I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore. I don't want to be betrayed by friends and love anymore so now the path I'm on is a lonely one. I understand and whether I accept this or not all the sign are clear as day so I'm learning once again, I'm learning to live an isolated life.

First Negril Trip

Yesterday I went to Negril for the first time. The trip to Negril was fun. I actually had a good time with everyone. There were a few moments when I was sad because I missed her even more than normal and I would have love for her to experienced seeing Negril for the first time with me, and times when I was irritated with some of the people there and just wanted to be alone. But overall the trip was fun. Negril is a bit different from the other beaches I’ve been to in Jamaica yet similar to beaches in L.A. There’s not division of the beach, nothing is dividing property lines or off limits. It reminded me of going to Venice beach then going to Santa Monica Pier or going the other way to Redondo Beach of other beaches. I like and prefer that type of beach than what is typical of most beaches in Jamaica. And the water is shallow and it extend for about 70-80 meters into the water. Non swimmers could be our very far into the water and still could comfortable touch the ground. The view was typical of the natural landscape and curvature of the island. I didn’t know what to expect going there for the first time and through once I was there I was surprise there wasn’t more to Negirl given how its very popular both on and off the island but it was still a memory and experience I won’t forget. Even on the drive to Negril which took about 45mins from Montego Bay was a great experience. I saw famous hotels, landmarks, great scenario and learned a bit more about Jamaica’s history. As my stay here is coming to an end Negril was a place I wanted to visit before I leave and I’m glad I did. I was the only place I wanted to visit before leaving that I hadn’t until now.

Below are some of the photos from that trip, click on photo to enlarge.

Better To Have Loved

The person who coined the phrase, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all” is full of shit and must not have loved before or as deeply as most. I’m in a lot of emotional pain over her, I can’t sleep, I still cry, my body feel weak and when I do sleep I don’t get any rest. Nothing bring me joy, I’ve lost feelings for most things and several times I wanted to end my life. How is it better that I experience all these things than to not have at all? I’m an emotional wreck, all I do is think about her and those thoughts bring tears to my eyes and more pain to my heart. I would have been better off not to have loved her, I wouldn’t be in so much pain right now. I wouldn’t be here wishing for her love, wishing we were together. I feel like a fucking foul, in love with someone who doesn’t love me. Thinking about someone who is hugged up with someone as happy as can be. Instead of me being over the moon with joy about returning to LA soon my heart is broken over her. I’m suppose to be happy right now but I can’t. My heart can’t experience joy and sadness at the same time and all I feel right now is pain, pain and more pain. I’m deeply in love with her and that love is causing me a great deal of pain but base on that statement its what best for me. The more I love the more I realize how painful love is and the more I hate and is afraid of that feeling. I’m hurt and I’m in love…

Proud Moment

This two images represent a proud moment for me today. I've accomplished something I never dreamed of doing while in Jamaica. I'm amazed at myself for the path I'm on as represented by those images. I'm still not visually or for the most part internally excited but deep down I'm happy I am proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, this is only the beginning but "the journey of a thousand miles begin with one step" and this mark my first step. I've gone through a lot in life, I've gone through a lot these past two years and I'm still going through a lot emotionally but despite the pain I'm feeling I'm still trying to find ways to help myself accomplish certain goals. The road behind me wasn't easy and the road ahead won't be either but I'm walking step by step. I have little emotions to show but trust me when I say if I could smile I'll have one from ear to ear. Good job Raheem, I'm proud of you.

Jamaica vs USA Soccer Match

Yesterday I went to my first football (soccer) match between U.S.A and Jamaica. It was the semi finals in a tournament for boys under 17yrs old. The tournament itself was a big deal but this particular match carried more weight; Jamaica had made it to the semi finals, they were going against the U.S. and on top of that the game was played on Jamaica Day, the day different from the country's Independence Day and you wear Jamaica colors and stuff. The people that I knew out there said they were going to go, they wanted to see Jamaica defeat the U.S., I figured I'll go, I had nothing else to do and I felt a bit of American pride and wanted to support the U.S. That has been something that has grown deeper within me since being here. Through Jamaica is my birthplace I don't consider myself Jamaican in the sense of "love of country" nor do I consider it home. I'm Americanize, I consider the U.S. my home and it is where my heart lies. Since being here I've had to defend against those in argument who want to trash the news. Most of the time not by choice, people hear my accent, presume I'm American and would direct their argument or dislike against the U.S. towards me in the form of "Your country" or "The place where you love some much" and so on. Since I feel more connected to the U.S. than Jamaica the match gave me a reason to relax a bit, enjoy something and cheer for the home team, my home team.

By the time we got to the match it already started, typical black folks and their CP time. I had no idea the volume of people that would be at the match. The ticket booth was swamped with people trying to buy last minute tickets including us. There wasn't any order to the process and everyone rushed to the window in hopes of getting a ticket. But they were sold out. People ran to various entry gate trying to see if they could get in, some wanted them to take their money and let them in without getting a ticket and others wanted to and indeed starting jumping the fence. It was a bit chaotic. It was clear that the organizers wasn't prepared from the volume that showed up nor did they have enough tickets the sell. Some people that couldn't get in stood on a fire truck to see the match, others were calling whoever they can to find out if they have an extra ticket or where they could get one. It was an event and this was a match against high school age boys that's what made it more amazing to watch. We were finally able to get some tickets which by the way wasn't tickets for that particular match. They were old tickets from 2008 when Jamaica played another team, event the location of where the ticket said was wrong. By this time it was half time of the game, I quickly found out that getting the ticket was the easy part, actually getting in was a challenge of itself.

When we got to the entry gate the best way to describe it was chaos, people were packed against the gate wanting to get in and the police on the other side literally were pushing against it trying to stop them. At one point they stop letting anyone through, bad move. The crowd went in a rage, you heard all kind of profanity and people complaining how they have their ticket and want to get in etc, etc. One of the guy I went with I followed him in the crowd and got caught in the mist of the chaos but with his determination he was able to get through the gate before they closed it. After minutes of arguing with people and trying to figure out how to handle the flood of people trying to get in the police reopen the gate, I manage to squeeze my way inside. I didn't go through all of that and was so close to getting in to not make it.

When we got in the second half already started and when we reach the bleachers we saw it was completely full. There was nowhere to stand let alone sit and hardly anywhere to walk, standing room only. But at least we were inside. The stadium was beautiful, very open and I was told it was recently built. The level of noise and cheering that took place I admit was beautiful, typical of what you see on TV when a soccer match is on. The bleachers literally were shaking from people stomping the floor and having a good time. It was hard to believe this wasn't a professional match but a match for minors. The U.S. already scored one goal in the first half but people were still supportive of Jamaica and with every touch of the ball, every goal attempt, every push into the U.S. side of the field they cheered. At this point I didn't want to verbally cheer for the U.S. around so many die hard Jamaicans especially with Jamaica down 2-0 and there's nowhere to run in the event I needed a quick exist but those I was with knew who I was going for.

Jamaica did lose by 2-0 but it was a great turn out. There was nothing but yellow, green and black colors and the support they showed up until the last minute was heart warming. Given the match was between minor I felt most of the people should have stayed to the very end to showed their continued support and encourage the kids win or lose. But overall I'm glad I went and took the experience in and saw first hand the love of football Jamaica has. It was chaotic, exciting and beautiful wrapped into one. Not the mention my home team won…. lol

My Rage is Growing

I often find myself sad when I see little kids especially little girls. Sad because I can’t help think about [____] and how much I miss her and want to return to be a part of her life as her father once again. But I know that won’t happen, there’s another man [____] has placed in her life. I turn my head when I see guys with what I presume to be their daughters because I can’t bare the sight. I miss my family so much and now that I’m able to return I just want to go back home to them. There’s a little girl I see often that’s around the same age as [____] when I left L.A., her and [____] could be sisters. It breaks my heart to look at her but I can’t take my eyes off her. I captivated by how she look so much like her and I remember painfully what I had and lost. The pain of not going back to that family add to the overall rage I’ve been feeling more and more as of late.

I’m angry and that anger is growing slowly in me. I’ve snapped at several people in the past few weeks to no faults of their own. Oddly and ironically I’ve also been more polite as I walk around Montego Bay. I find myself saying excuse me and thank you more than I normally do, which was rarely. But despite being polite on the outside I’m in rage and in pain on the inside. Now that some individuals know of my return they are expecting things to return the way they were. [____] feel and want me to return to [____] and continue as if I never left or it would be uncomfortable at [____] with [____] there or knowing that there are those that knew of the guys she dated or still dating during my absents. I’m suppose to ignore and pretend I don’t know there are those who have turned out to be more of an enemy than my friends, I’m suppose to return and act as if I never left. [____] and a comment she made a few days ago sum up how she think, expect or in her words, “I was just watching a couple of [____] videos with you narrating. I can't wait until you get back so we can have more of your silly narrations!” She feels things are going to return to the way they where, we can go back to having fun like nothing has happened. FUCK!! No one has any idea what I’ve gone through these past two year and for [____] to expect things to be all smiles when I return show her ignorance and lack of situational awareness. I can’t and won’t put myself in that situation again, it was painful with other women and it is painful now with [____] and I won’t continue to put myself through it anymore. I’m tired of this pain and if [____] and I can’t find a way to get pass this and be a family again then I’m not going to be around her in anyway and that include not going to [____]. I’ve been alone for two years, I’ve spent my entire life alone in one form or another. If that’s how I have to leave the rest of my life, alone, then so be it.

No one fucking understands the shit I went through and is going through. [____], the one person who I thought would be there and understand abandon me…… FUCK! FUCK! This shit is bullshit FUCK EVERYONE! I’m not fucking with anybody once I return fuck them. If nothing else since I’ve been here I’ve learned that people are full of shit and even those that help you and has been there for you, you can’t and shouldn’t rely and depend on no one. Its just a matter of time when things are at their worst they will abandon you and leave you hanging.

Step by Step

Today was a relaxed day, it was very beautiful day though I enjoyed it from inside the room. I spent the day sleeping and working on one of the projects I have going on. I'm still amazed at the turn around since I recieve the news that I will be allowed to return home. A few things have began to change, change in ways I wasn't expecting and in ways I never dreamed. Its hard to explain I'm amazed, proud of myself and in a state of shock and disbelief. I'm going into areas I've either never ventured before or never ventured this deeply. I don't know what to make of it or how to explain and seeing that I'm being tight lipped about it, its more difficult to explain without revealing what I'm doing and what's going on.

I'm taking things step by step. I assumed that my readjustment would begin once I return to L.A. but I'm finding out that process has already began. I've changed since I've been here with all that I've gone through. And within the past two weeks more changes have accured. With what has happened since I've been here and what I'm undertaking now my world has litterally turned upside down and I'm force to adjust whether I want to or not. But these changes that has happened within the past two weekend and one that happened last November is the kind of change I'm proud of and look forward to see the fruits of my labor. Soon, I hope to add certain titles to my name. Titles that I've either only dreamed about or never thought in my wildest dream would happen.

I'm taking things step by step like I said, well I've always been like that since I've been here. There are those who are extremely happy hearing the news of my return. Those who want things to return to the way they were or return to the way THEY want them to, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I still haven't jumped for joy of the news. My heart was racing when the lady told me over the phone I was approved to return and I've extremely grateful and happy on the inside but it still hasn't sunk in and visually I haven't been able to express that joy. Maybe with all that I've gone through I've become numb to the feeling of joy and excitement. I understand the magnitude of the news and what it mean but it hasn't fully hit me as yet that soon I will be heading home. Perhaps because my return is still a ways away or maybe its because of the kind of L.A. I will return to that is without the one I love, the family I want to return to or the friends I thought I had. I'm not sure what the reason is but there are those who know of my return who is more excited than I am at the moment.

But today was a beautiful day the kind of day combined with the weather, it being quite and calm and me being relaxed, that I haven't had in an extremely long time.