Delusion

Sometimes we just have to accept that life isn't all that is cracked up to be. It isn't some Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after. Sometimes, what am I talking about, often the bad guy win, the jerk get the girl and the prince, well the prince is left sitting on his white horse looking zany. I don't know if I'm becoming cyncial but this shit is for the birds for real. Fittingly enough since its coming up on that time of year I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge and say, "Baa Humbug" to all this shit. Life and love is one big horror movie pretending to be a Disney classic...

Abandon

I’ve had restless nights for the past several nights. All I do now is cry, pray and write poems. I feel like I’m trapped in pain and helpless to do anything about it. Last night all I did was cry and pray; just talked to God as the tears run down my face. When I wasn’t doing that I would write a poem or try to do something; watch a movie, surf the web, etc. Nothing seem to work. I can feel my body so consumed in pain I feel numb. I socked the wall several times and felt no pain or minimal pain. At one point it felt like I was having a panic attack. I feel abandon, no longer important to her. We hardly even talk, my calls go unanswered and not returned. My instant messages go un-replied. I’m not important enough anymore to want to talk to me every chance she get like she use to a few weeks ago, now she’s dating someone so Raheem gets thrown on the back burner. All I get now is a “morning” instant message and that’s it for the whole day. The person she cared so much about, the person that was so important to her, now that she’s seeing someone its as if I’m nobody. I’ve been abandon and there’s nothing I can do about it but cry and write pathetic ass poems. Is this what people mean when they say love hurt? Cause I’m in a lot of pain right now. Even though I’m hurting from other things that’s going on in my life this right here is by far the most painful and is effecting me the most. All I do now is cry and try to find comfort in my tears…

Recurring Dream

For the past couple of night I keep having a recurring dream. It’s been so intense it has woke me up out of myself. I’m slowly getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep at night. The dream is where I’m running from a huge dragon, running all over the city trying to get somewhere. I feel if I can get to that location I would be safe from this dragon. I’m constantly running and hiding, even asking others for help but no matter where I go, how well I’m hidden the dragon always finds me. It’s like it know what I’m going to do before or as I do it. And it’s very aggressive dragon although when it finds me it couldn’t capture me; like a cat and mouse chase and the mouse is me.

For two nights in a row I’ve had this dream and I can’t make any sense of it all. I’m here trying to figure out the meaning behind the dream and others I’ve always had during the night. I know my dream i.e. my mind is trying to tell me something or figure something out but I have no idea what that is. Overall I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks but this dream in particular is adding stress during a time when I should be relaxing from all the shit that I’m dealing with while awake. It’s bad enough I’m not at peace while awake and a few while I’m asleep. Now it seems I’m not getting any at all. I can’t figure out what my subconscious part of my brain is telling me or want me to figure out and I’m losing sleep as a result, actually I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve been in a constant state of depression for over a year now but with this dream its worst and I’m getting worried, it’s freaking me out a bit.

Emotionally Alone

It feels as if I'm the only one left in the world. Yet at the same time it feels as if with so many people around I have no one to talk to. She and I have hardly spoken in the past few days; she's busy doing whatever she's doing, being interested in other guys. People who I once consider friends I feel I can't trust of communicate with anymore. I'm emotionally alone, for the past five years things were the complete opposite especially in the past three. Now I'm once again at a place where I've been before but hoped I wouldn't return, but I'm here, here again. My emotionally state of mind is parallel with my physical; no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one I feel is there for me anymore. Just isolation emotionally and physically it would seem.

It’s a re-adjustment once again. Going back to a time when I had no one, I communicate with no one, just like now back them because of circumstance in life I was alone is all sense of the world. Just as with then, now I feel it’s just me, left with my feelings for someone I can't share towards, feelings and now believing I have no one in my corner, feeling as if there's a impossible mountain in front of me that I must climb and feeling just cut off from the world.

I'm trying to accept things as they are right now, trying to suppress my feelings for her, put her out of my mind, fight the urge to want to talk to her because it’s clear she doesn't want to talk to me nor am I on her mind. I have to learn to only communicate with myself, once again find joy in this isolation, and find happiness knowing I'm not happy. Just like before I have to realize and understand I have no friends, I seem to be place on this earth to be alone, to not find joy in the simple things in life, human interaction. I'm going to an extremely emotional and difficult moment in my life and one thing for sure is certain, I'm in it by myself and when I emerge for this experience I will continue to be by myself.

Finish The Art of War

I finished reading The Art of War in several hours. It wasn’t a difficult read nor did it drag the point out to make the book lengthy. I saw in that book things I was doing wrong in my personal life, fail strategies that I was continuing. Even though The Art of War is about military strategy its clear after reading a few of the pages that you can apply it to all areas of life and that’s what I intend on doing. I was caught up in reading it just as I was caught up in reading The Secret. What I’ve got from both those book I plan on changing the way I think, act and look at life and the world. I enjoy reading it and it isn’t a book where you only read once, it along with The Secret are books that you return to over and over again when you need to understand events in your life or even yourself when you are going through those events. Now that I’m finish reading that, there’s still the Bible that I’m reading now I’m trying about what other books I should get.

The Art of War

I finished reading The Secret last Saturday, only took me four days to read it, I’m sure I would have finished it soon if I wasn’t at Chris house. I’ve began reading more of the Bible, still in the Old Testament; Genesis. But today I went to the book store and bought The Art of War. I’ve heard a lot about it and it’s a good book to ready about war strategy or just strategy in general. I’ve been curious to see what the big deal is so finally I have a copy of my own to read. Just like with The Secret I’m reading both the Art of War and the Bible together. All part of the healing process that I’m on, I’m trying to heal from within so that my outer shell can be strong and personally I feel the best way to do that is with the heart, mind and spirituality.

The Bible of course deal with the spiritual side and though I believe in Christianity I’m not going to limit myself to only book about Christianity, I plan on buying book from different religions in order to be a more spiritual and spiritually enlighten person. I will pray more and also meditate in pursuit to be one with myself and one with Christ.

The Secret will deal with understanding who I am and the powers I have within me given by God to understand and connect with the universe. To be one with everything and everyone around me and in the world, therefore be the master of my surroundings and future. The Secret is how to be the person I want to be and have the things I want in life through my through process; understanding that the way I think, feeling, act, believe is what will shape my life.

And the Art of War I will be how to understand others, how to make a plan for what I want, how to understand the art of strategy and execution to be able to achieve that which I’ve set my mind on. I know I can’t heal from the outside in so I’m tackling things from the inside on a mental and spiritual level. I’m sure these only be the only literatures I buy on the path of self healing but I think I’m certainly off to a good start.

I’m still waiting on the book Joy bought and sent to me, I think it will still be several weeks before it arrive; that deal with relationship and how to handle a breakup. That I think will provide some insight to the complexity of what I went through and thus the reason I’m on the journey. Right now I’m all about healing, all about growing within myself and learning about who I am on all levels so that can maximize the potential of who Raheem is. Honestly, I actually like this path I’m on; learning and growing within yourself is actually a pleasant and rewarding feeling.

Appetite Returning

In the last few days I’ve been eating a lot so its safe to say my appetite is returning. I think I’ve even gain back a few pounds. My lost of appetite signaled me at a very low point emotionally, spiritually and definitely physically so me now wanting to eat and eating more than usually is a good sign that things are improving for me. Everyone is happy that I’m eating again but my mom and her still from time to time ask me if I'm eating. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I started eating so I wasn’t too concern like they were. I still can’t believe I went that long without a bit, crazy what the mind and body can endure. I was that depress that my body shut down its most basic function; survival. I’m in no rush to do that again but if I’m every in a situation where I have to go without food at least I know I can do it.

Boyz II Men - I Will Get There

I believe and know I'm going to get through this and become a stronger, better, and wiser, person. I'm in the dark but I'm slowly starting to see the light at the end of this dark journey.

Spiritual and Mental Guidance

For the longest time I’ve felt that I’m missing something, feeling that I need to reconnect or connect spiritually and mentally. With all the things that is going on and especially when what’s going on with Dee I feel more than ever I need that connection. I feel like I’m out of control, lost, powerless, alone and scared. I feel like my life is on a spiral dive and I can’t stop it. For several months I’ve felt the need to find spiritual balance, start going to church, pray more, mediate, something, anything to get to a place of spiritual and mental balance. The past month has been extremely difficult for me on top of already having a difficult past 12 months. I decided I can’t handle what I’m going through alone, the thoughts I’m having, the emotions I’m feeling, the things I’m doing isn’t physically, psychology, emotionally or spiritually healthy for me. I have to find help and fast before something crazy or bad happen to me. Yesterday, I went downtown to a bookstore and purchase two books that I feel will help me regain myself both emotionally and spiritually.

I bought a copy of the Bible, the King James version and also The Secret. Separately, they are good reading materials but together I’m hoping they would be what I need in my life right now; guidance. I’m still waiting on the book that Joy bought for me and when that arrive I’m going to use that to also help me through all of this. I’m broken, hurt, sad, depress, having thoughts of suicide, thinking about starting to drink. I’m experiencing things I’ve never experienced in a situation and combination of situations I’ve never experience before and going through it all completely alone, away from home without friends and family for support. I’m weak and I’m not afraid to say this maybe a situation I can’t deal with by myself and is willing to seek the help of a higher power as well as tapping into my own personal strength to get through this. Some say the first step in healing is to admit you have a problem, well, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM. I can’t do this alone and will need help in whatever form that help may come. With that said, let the healing process begin.

God’s Plan, Cause and Effect, Choice

I just finish reading someone’s blog and the point of the blog was stop trying to control life but instead live it. She mentioned that we have a choice on how to act on the events in our lives. There’s a plan but its up to us basically how we deal with that plan thus how our live turn out; positively or negatively.

Maybe this is me being cynical or perhaps I’m starting to see things and the world clearer but I don’t think we have a choice like we think we do. I think the only thing we can do is to react to the shit that happen to us, cause and effect which mean we really don’t have a choice at all. I think God does have a plan for us and the more I go through life, the more I deal with certain things the more I realize that his plan is completely different from my plan. If that is the case then I have no control, thus, all my actions is a reaction to or against the original plan that he has for me.

It’s a simple matter of cause and effect; something happen thus I react to it. We think we are acting on it but the truth is we aren’t because our “proactive action” or “reaction” was set in motion only because of what happened. In other words if “this” didn’t happen we wouldn’t do “that.” Or because “this” happened we did “that.’ We want to believe that we are in control of our lives, we want that feeling of power to know we are the one who decide what happen and how our lives turn out but the reality is we aren’t. We are a part of God’s plan reveal to us through cause and effect. We have no control, its an illusion just like power and love.

Some people would say if something happen to you its up to you how you deal with it, really? So if I slap you do you really have much control on your reaction to being slap? One would say yes, you can get upset and hit me back or you can stand there and take it. I say no, if I slap you (cause), the response is pain (effect) and your action is a direct result of the level of pain I cause you. Lets say I didn’t hit you that hard, still, the effect would be angry for being slap or the body reacting out of reflex or defense and you will do something. Or lets go to the extreme, say you didn’t do anything after I slap; physically you may not have done anything but internally your body did respond to being hit. We don’t act on situations in life we react to them, whatever that reaction is whether positively or negatively is a matter of degree base on each individual perspective.

Like I said, maybe I’m being cynical because of what I’m currently experiencing but I’m starting not to believe that we have any control over our lives, we only have the illusion of control and at the end of the day its simply cause and effect, God’s plan. Now this isn’t to say that God’s plan is bad or taken in a negative light but base on the shit I’m dealing with and to a greater extent other shit that I’ve been dealing with for the past year, I really don’t believe in certain shit anymore and feel that all the things that we talk about, do, or pretend to know is bullshit.

At the end of the day shit is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it, at the end of the day regardless of who you are, how good of a person you are, how caring and loving you are your still going to get fucked in the end because that’s the plan, that’s the effect. However you “react” to things really doesn’t matter, you aren’t the one in control.

Too Guarded! Maybe, Maybe Not

It seems I was too good at what I didn’t realize I was doing. I was too guarded with my feelings and emotions so God decided to punish me by taking away the love of one of the people I love the most. So now I have all this love that I want to show, all this love that I want to express and now I can’t. Its too late, its not enough, time ran out on me. Fearing I would get hurt and be alone I’m ultimately now hurting and is alone. I’m not going to put all of the blame for what’s going on solely on my shoulders but I can only speak for my own actions. Love was there, I did the best I could to show as much of that love as I could, walls did come down but not enough I suppose. Not enough to show and prove to her that I do love her, my actions alone wasn’t enough. I really believe I’m being punish although I feel its not completely my fault; I was afraid to completely let down all my walls because of past experience yet at the same time I fully and completely trust, love her and let her in closer than I’ve ever allowed anyone to get to me. I let down more walls and open up to her more than anyone before but like I said, it wasn’t enough.

I think it wasn’t that I was too guarded, honestly I don’t know what it was because I did overcome a lot of the fears that I once had. I was open with her, I love her the best way I could. Given more time I know I would continue to be open with her and show her the kind of love I have for her and the kind she wanted me to show or learn how to love her the way she wanted. I love her and showed her that love through my actions, it wasn’t what I said but what I did that displayed how much she meant to me. But it wasn’t enough, guarded or not I wonder would things ever be enough with anyone. So now I’m without the one I love and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. It seems no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, guarded or not, the end result will still be the same. I believe that’s why I’m feeling this way about people in general; no matter what it seems love and romance just isn’t for me so why continue to put myself through it. Why keep trying, trusting people, having faith in people, why? Was I too guarded with her, maybe, maybe not; that’s a question of degree. Do I love her, yes, of course. Did I try, did I make an honest effort to show that love yes. But I’m still at the end of the day in tears, sad, depress, thoughts of suicide, thinking about drinking to ease the pain. So whether or not I have walls up its basically the same shit but didn’t person.

Hiatus

I think for the remaining time that I’m here I’m going to continue to stay to myself except of course when I really have to interact or socialize with someone. I may conserve with one of two people occasionally but that’s about it. Once I return to LA I’m going to continue my hiatus and isolation. I can’t deal with people on an intimate level anymore, I can’t deal with people even on a casual level. I’m cynical, I think everyone is full of shit right now, not one to be trusted or way bother dealing with anyone when the outcome will likely be the same as this one. In a sense I’m going to completely cut my interaction and socialization with mankind down to only dealing with people when I absolutely have to. What I’m going through right now has completely turned me off from EVERYONE. I’m going in a cave and lock myself up, whether I heal from this or not; emerge as a beautiful butterfly I really don’t care. I simply don’t want to fuck with people anymore. I’ll vent with the outside world through these blogs and Twitter but since no one follow me on either one I don’t have to worry about corresponding with anyone. I’m in a lot of pain, I’m hurting really bad. I need to go somewhere and lick my wounds, I need to go somewhere and heal, I need to go someone mentally and as physically as I possibly can and alone. I’ve been here alone for a year, I was hoping to return to the life I left, the one I love but that world, that life no longer exists so I need to continue what I’ve already been doing for a year, be alone. I have to learn once again to find comfort and joy in complete isolation; there’s little of my past life that I’ll be returning to. So, I have to get use to being by myself again. I’ve already not spoken to 99.9999% of my friends and associates in a month and I think its best that I completely cut all ties with everyone and completely stay to myself. *LET THE HIATUS CONTINUE*

29yr Old Habit Broken

In the mist of what’s going on I’ve been able to break a 29yr old habit. Actually I feel its because of what’s going on that I’ve been able to break it. It's an embarrasing habit, at least for me so I'm not going to mention what it is, but its something I thought I probably never be able to do I’ve stopped. I’ve been ashamed for so long but no I can say with confidence that I’ve broken that habit. For so long it has provided me comfort and relaxation but not anymore. Not that it no longer provide those things for me but I feel I no longer need to do it to be comfortable or relax. I’m a bit surprise that I cut the habit just like that. I remember saying to myself that what’s the point anymore, what’s the point in doing anything now that she doesn’t love me anymore and told myself I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I figured I’ll go a few hours, maybe a day or two. If I went two weeks without doing it, the habit should be broken. After a week of not doing it I figured I might as well push for the two weeks and sure enough, two weeks later I still hadn’t done it. For those two weeks I got the urge but I catch myself and said no, I’m not going to do it. Slowly those urges went away. In a weird way its all thanks to the shit I’m going through right now. I’m extremely proud of myself and to be honest I don’t miss it like I thought I would. For so long it had a bit of hold on me like I had to do it but now I don’t see how something that had such a hold for some long I’ve been able to stop just like that and not miss it. Either way, like I said I’m proud of myself for doing it and doing it on my own.

Joining The Dark Side

Throughout my life I’ve always felt there is an ongoing battle in my head; a battle for balance, peace and love. The best way I can describe it would be like the character from the Matrix trilogy; Agent Smith and Neo. Ultimately they are the same being but opposite of each other, one want peace the other want chaos or in my case just lack of emotions. I feel there’s a constant struggle in my head for peace base on the things I’ve gone through in life. I notice within myself at times decisions are difficult for me to make because I see both sides the pros and cons of whatever I’m deciding equally. I want to be love yet I want to not have anything to do with anyone. I’m a social person yet a loner at the same time. I do what’s right though at times I can for nothing. I’m both black and white, positive and negative, ying and yang. At times like right now I just want to be angry, not care, not give a fuck and whatever happens just happens. Yet on the other hand there’s a part of me that find beauty in everything, love the world and is a humanitarian and environmentalist. But right now, right at this moment I feel the battle for my mind and ultimately my soul will soon be in the hands of the dark side. I’m not a big Star War’s fan, I’ll admit that I’ve only watched one of the movies but like the character Anakin Skywalker plague by tragic life changing experiences who eventually became Darth Vader, I too feel its only a matter of time before I join the dark side. After losing his wife, Padmé Amidala, Anakin lost hope and faith. The rage and pain of so many years of hurt despite being a Jedi finally consumed him with her death. That’s how I feel like, the years of hurt and pain feeling like I’m finally being consumed by it now that the one I’ve love the most is now gone. My heart can’t seem to take it anymore; I’m angry, lost of patients, seem to be numb of other emotions other than rage. Now, all that’s left is the dark side, all that’s left is my rage and anger. What I’m going through seem to be the final straw, the last hope in my life long battle of peace and love seem to now be gone now that I’m without her love. Agent Smith will soon consume me, I’m crossing over to the Sith to become Darth Vader. My life long battle for mental and emotional peace probably has come to an end and the good guys didn’t win. Agent Smith and Darth Vader will soon have control…

Drinking Isn’t For Me

I tried the drinking and its obvious it isn’t for me and something I’ll never do again. I couldn’t drown my sorrows in alcohol. I couldn’t even get drunk, at most all I got was really tipsy. My body rejected the alcohol and I threw up. The only good thing that came from that experience was I slept like a baby that night. The pain I’m feeling I’m going to have to endure it sober until it eventually go away. I don’t know how some people can drink on a regular or drink to the point where they get drunk and pass out. I was tipsy but still functional and couldn’t get myself to the point of being drunk like I wanted to. I wanted to drink so I wouldn’t have to think about her, wouldn’t have to think about anything or feel anything. Just drink until I can’t stand and pass out; I failed at that attempt. I suppose for me, I’ll never find escape at the bottom of a bottle and maybe God doesn’t want me to either. Either way, all that happened was I got tipsy, I threw up, went to bed and because I didn’t have anything in the system when I drank the next morning my stomach wasn’t feeling right; I didn’t even come close to getting a hangover. How do you fail at getting drunk hahaha. I never liked alcohol and this experience has proven that I never will. Drinking just isn’t for me…

I'm Out Of Control

I don’t know what to do, I feel out of control. I’m feeling lost and confused. I’m in a place both physically, spiritually, and emotionally that I’ve never been before, its unfamiliar and scary. I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do or where to turn or who to turn to. I know I’m not losing my mind but it feel like I have no control over my thoughts anymore, my brain thinks what it want to think and there’s nothing I can do about it. The moment and time I’m in is really testing my will and strength, I’m so broken, so weak, so alone, all I would to do is sleep or drown my sorrows away with something, anything that would give me a moment of escape. I can honestly say I’m at a point now where I’m lost in mind, heart and life. I still have the goals I want to achieve but I don’t know how I’m going to reach them. I’m at a cliff and on the other side of another cliff are my goals, future, life but there’s no bridge, no path to get me from where I am to the other side so I can achieve all that I want; its just a huge gap between me and the future and it scares me. I feel powerless and have no control anymore, only pain, hurt and frustration. Its like my chain links are weaken and is about to break, no longer do I feel strong like I can do anything achieve any goal and be the great person I once thought I would be before all of this happened. I’ve lost control over myself or at least I feel that way and its scaring the shit out of me.

Decisions

What would you say if I told you I love you?
What would you say if I told you I need you, that you are the air I breathe, you give me life.
You are the beat of my heart, the smile on my face, what would you say if I told you I miss you, I long to feel your touch, long to kiss you, long to have you close.
What would you do if I tell you I’m lost without you, I feel empty being away from you, you are the reason I found joy in my heart.
What would you do if I tell you I love you and don’t want to love anyone else, my heart belong to you, I see forever in your eyes, I feel forever in your touch, I want our lives to be one.
What would you do if I tell you all these things, would you believe me, would you love me in return, would you trust me with your heart?
What would you do because I’m ready to love you and give you all of me.

Rebuilding a Heart

It takes seconds to destroy something; a building, family, friendship, romance, the heart. But it takes months, years or in some case never to build from the ruins or rebuild what was destroyed. Case in point its been nine years and nothing has been build on the Word Trade site. It’s much easier to destroy something than it is to fix it and the heart is no different. My heart has been destroyed and the destruction stage is proven to be very difficult to get pass and remove. When something is destroyed say like a building, again lets take the World Trade Towers for example. It took weeks to clear the debris, it was a slow step by step process. First you had to search for survivors i.e. hope, just as with a broken heart you hope that there’s still a chance something is there, something to hold on to, something to fight to save. Then come the recovery stage of those lost, the realization that all hope is lost. After that passes come the removal of debris and that could be difficult. The pain of knowing you can’t get back what was lost, you can’t undo it yet you can’t stay the way you are, you can’t leave things as is because it’s a constant reminder of what you lost. The recovery and removal stage can be the most painful and long lasting stage of building something over something that was lost or trying to rebuild what was lost. Even after you clear the debris, sometimes its just too emotionally difficult to rebuild in that area; its too difficult to love again, to trust again, to have faith again. So like the WTC site a void is left, a big empty hole is left where once memories and something whole was. The moving on process can take years or never to get past and that’s the challenge part, getting to a point after the destruction, after searching for hope, and after removing what was damage, to be able to move on.

I’m at the point now where these debris are too high, too much damage, too much pain. I can’t see anything past the pain as if there’s no future but that pain. I have to find a way to clear all of this mess and I don’t know how long that will take, I don’t know if once I’ve cleared it I’m going to be too emotionally broken and tired to do anything else. I don’t know what the future looks like. Once I do clear the broken pieces of my heart like the WTC, will there be an empty hole with nothing to fill it, will it be too painful to move on from what happened or will I find the strength to rebuild; to trust, have faith and love again. I honestly don’t know, right now I want all these broken pieces, the pain, the tears, the hurt to go away. I can’t see anything past what I’m currently feeling and its painful. This stage, this process is extremely difficult and challenging for me and I want to get past it. If I am like the WTC where nine years later there’s still a hole then so be it, I’m willing to accept that over the pain I’m feeling now. I’m willing to accept that the damage emotionally was too great to rebuild as long as I’m not in all this pain; crying, being depress, constantly thinking about her, wanting to see her, talk to her, dreaming of her, wishing things were different and we were back together. I don’t want to be in this stage but I have to be as painful as it is, as much as I don’t want to be here I have to be. I’m trying to understand that the breakup, the destruction of my heart has place me on this path, this journey and now I have to go through it even though its extremely painful. Its call life and sometimes life isn’t easy or fun. Sometimes like now, its painful and dark but you go through it, whether it make you stronger you still have to go through it once you’ve been place on that path. So I’m painfully dealing with it, using my journal, blogs, walking, sleeping, whatever it takes to remove the broken pieces of my heart so my future can be clear again and I can get past this. As painful as it maybe sometimes you have no choice but to keep walking, keep removing the pieces, keep crying because that’s the path you have to take, that’s the journey life has you on at that moment.

House of Pain

I cried again today then I went into downtown. I needed to get out the house. I find that I don’t want to be in the house because I feel I’m overwhelmed by the emotions I have while here. So I went out and tried my best to stay out for as long as possible, its as if now I don’t want to be inside the house. I’m afraid to be here, alone because all I’ll do is think about the situation and feel even more pain. If I could I’ll stay out all day and only come back to the house to shower and sleep. Its not even that I socialize when I’m out but simply being in the house I feel like the only thing I do is think about it and cry. I force myself go hang out for those hours at the shop where I get my minutes, I talked to the lady and for those few hours I didn’t think about her or how I’m feeling. Ultimately, I don’t want to be around or be bothered by anyone but right now I’m willing to take the lesser of the two shit I don’t want to deal with. That’s why today I decided to go back on Facebook; the Bonifide Skillz account, not the main one. I’m going to use Facebook right now to just kill time and help it will get my mind off things. I’m not going to try and socialize much with any one individual, but be a silent observer.

This is painful, I’m lost, confused and hurt and alone; really alone. Base on what she’s told me I’m beginning to realize that this isn’t my fault, I thought it was because I was guarded but I realize I did the best I could loving her and showing her that love but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t show her what SHE needed to see and hear. She felt somethings were missing with me although I’ve showed her more love and affection than I’ve ever showed anyone before her. So why does this still hurt? Why am I the one that suffers from it and the one in tears while she’s interested and hanging out with someone else. I did the best I could, it wasn’t enough but I’m the one in the end that got dumped and my world turned upside down, I’m the one left all alone now. I did the best I could yet I’m the one who now feel bitter towards love and relationships, I’m the one who is felt feeling that relationships are now meaningless, pointless, and serve no purpose. I love her the best way I could but that wasn’t enough for her and I’m the one left in tears. I have a difficult and painful road ahead of me on my journey to heal myself from this experience. Right now I feel I don’t ever want to be in another relationship again EVER! I feel I’m meant and will always be alone. But I often here some people say, “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this or will be willing to try at a relationship again, the future is uncertain now. A lot of things is uncertain, its all in God’s hands but right now, I’m damaged goods, not good to myself or anyone. I’m in a lot of pain and just ask God to give me strength and guidance through all of this because right now I need him more than ever…

God Has Taken Everything

The only thing he hasn’t taken away from me of value is my health, life and sister. He’s taken everything else from me. He’s taken away her love for me, he’s taken me away from my home and the life I had back in LA. Some people get to show the one they love that they’ve change or do love them. I don’t even get that chance, I’m fucking stuck here powerless to do anything to win her back. When I return to LA it will be to nothing. He’s taken love away from me, he want me to return to absolutely nothing. Yet this shit is suppose to make me a better and stronger person and have a positive outlook on life. I really don’t see how taken all that I hold close is going to make me look at life positively. I’ll never understand why I go through the shit I go through, I’ll never understand why some people get the opportunities they get but I don’t. The simplest things in life is the most difficult things in my life, why? I’m alone once again in this world, I have no one to call my own.

By me being here I’m gaining one thing yet I’m losing something far more valuable, love. I’ve said it and I’ll say it again, I’m losing far more than I’m gaining since I’ve been here. I’ll never understand why I go through certain shit and I’ll never understand why my life has been so painful why can’t I be like everyone else, why can’t I find love and be able to hold on to that love like some people. God has taken everything from me except what I’ve mention, he’s left me alone, without love or faith in people. Why does he punish some of his children so harshly yet go easy on others? He’s taken love away from me so I’ve decided now to live my life without it, why seek something you won’t obtain especially when the journey prove so painful. It hurt, it hurt but I guess I’m strong so eventually I’ll get through this but I thought I would be forgiven and granted a second chance with the one I love. I was such a fool to think that, such a fool to have faith in love, to have faith in her, such a fool to have faith in the world. I’m with nothing so with nothing is where I shall stay.

Love Is Dead To Me Now

I’m done playing God’s love game. Fuck it, all my life its been one bad outcome after another with women and this is the last fucking straw. This one hurt the most and the wound is deep. I’m done with this shit. I see now regardless of if I try my best or don’t do shit at all its not going to work with any woman. So why deal with the shit anymore. This girl will be the last person I ever fall in love with, she will be the last person I allow to get this close to me EVER again. God place us on here, he put experiences in our path to see how we handle them. Ever woman he has place in my life that meant something to me, i.e. I had feelings for them has always goes sour. So I’m making the decision that no matter how many women he place in front of me from this day fourth I’m going to turn and walk the other way. I just don’t want to go through this shit anymore.

Some people aren’t meant to be with anyone, some people aren’t meant to have that happily ever after. Its clear now I’m that person so I need to stop fooling myself and accept the shit for what it is. I swear to God I’ll never give my heart to another person again. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, do all that I’ve ever wanted to do, go to all the places I’ve ever wanted to visit but I’m going to do it alone. It seems and its clear now that my best isn’t good enough for neither her or him (God) or for anyone. I tried so hard in loving her, to show her that I do love her but it wasn’t it wasn’t enough. How can your best not be enough? I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life, a lot of shit that has traumatize with mostly with women i.e. my mother and others. Its left me guarded with my feelings, no being able to show physical affection and at times be none verbal with my feelings. With her I did my best to break that cycle; I was open as best I could, I did show her as best I could through my actions and things I didn't say or said, but she basically told me it wasn’t enough. She figured in 1 ½ yrs I should have been able to change 28yrs worth of damage that was down to me emotionally, open up and let all my walls down just like that. Its not just with her, all other woman I’ve fallen for there’s been something or another; cheated on, breaking up with me without even an explaination, believing others over me and so on.

One would say, maybe it’s not the women but maybe its me, maybe I'm fallen for all the wrong kind of women. If that’s true then I’m making the stand to step out of the game, retiring so to speak. Love is dead to me now and it died on Thursday June 24, 2010. If I’m ever to fall in love again, God himself would have to come down and tell me that she’s the one otherwise fuck it. I’m so tired of this, so tired of being the one who hurt the most, so tired of being the one left crying and so tired of people saying its going to be okay, she wasn’t the one. Well guess what? One will be the one. I’ve loved for the last time, I’m done dealing with people closely, done caring and feeling. That shit is for the birds for real, once I’m fully over her that’s it, it ends with her. God plays some cruel games so I’m going to stop playing his love games. After tonight my focus is getting over my feeling for her and locking my heart away. Some people just isn’t meant for that love this, I guess I’m one of those people. I’m tired of it and I’m not going to do it anymore.

Whoever reads this I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I hope you aren't sorry for me, if you are, don't be, I'm not. The shit is what it fucking is and that's all its going to be.

Current Feeling: Complete rage
Current Mood: Don't even give a shit anymore

Six Billion Alone

I wrote a poem earlier called “6 Billion Alone” to describe how I’m feeling once again. So many people on this planet yet I feel completely alone. I feel like I have no one for me anymore. Its amazing how love can make you feel, on one hand love can make you feel on top of the world, you feel you can do anything, you feel safe, protected, loved. Yet on the other hand love or in my case when its gone can make you feel like you have no on in the world to turn to. You feel abandoned, you feel scared and you feel lost and alone. I’m feeling all of that now that I don’t have someone that loves me, I feel like I’m back to square one.

We are social creatures but not I don’t feel like being social with anyone, the few people who I’m social with and talk it its because I have to other than that I don’t talk to anyone which at or rather promote me feel that much more alone. One person, one person out of six plus billion people has left my life, took her love away and now I feel like shit, feel like the world is empty with me the only one in it. There’s nothing I can do except work on healing myself, picking myself up off the ground, reminding myself to smile, get out of bed and brush my teeth in the morning, live life the best I can despite my lost and the pain I’m feeling. Six billion people on this blue planet yet I feel completely alone.

Two Week Check Up

Today marks two weeks since I had that talk with her that lead to how I’m feeling now I thought I’ll give myself alittle update to see what’s going on. I’ve eaten again so this mark twice that I’ve ate something in eleven days. My appetite maybe slowly returning, I find myself feeling for certain foods though I still wouldn’t eat. Today I ate some cookies and a few pieces of banana chips, whether I eat anything again for the rest of the day is still a question but at least I ate something no matter how small it was.

So far I haven’t cried and if it remain that way I would have ended fourteen straight days of tears. Its not that emotionally I’m okay, I’m still sad and depress but I think instead of challenging my pain through my tears I’m internalizing it. I’m calm yet emotionally quiet as if I had no emotions like I don’t care about anything anymore, its that whatever mindset. I know I’m far from okay and just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean that things are getting better I’m perhaps at the point where I’m choosing a different way to express and deal with the pain.

I still haven’t shaved, cut my hair or remove the covers all the mirrors though I have seen reflections of myself. Doing those things doesn’t matter to me anymore, I really don’t care how I look or care if someone think I’m unattractive because I’m not groomed. Nor do I really want to look at myself anyway, just doesn’t seem to concern me at the moment.

All and all its still a day to day situation. I try not to think about her as much now but I still do. My told me, “There’s nothing you can do about it so stop trying to get into her head” and that’s what I’ve been working on, not thinking about what she’s doing whether or not she’s talking to or hanging out with the guy she’s interested in. I try not to talk to her as much although I really and truly miss our conversations. I do check how she’s doing because of the car accident she was in. Last night we spoke for almost three hours on the phone and if felt so good just to hear her voice, laugh with her, it felt like things were going to be okay with us but deep down I wasn’t sure, deep down knew I was only fooling myself in thinking that way.

I still haven’t gone back on Facebook but I did check in on my Twitter. I’ve thought about going back on my less popular Facebook account but again, I don’t see the point in doing so. If I do go back anytime soon it would be because I’m extremely bored with nothing to do. I don’t want to have any direct contact or interactions with anyone anymore. I still don’t talk to anyone on my messengers except obviously her, my sister and my friend who's helping me through this but I haven’t talked her in a day. I don’t care to talk to anyone or want to deal with anyone, another friend has tried to contact twice on Yahoo! Messenger but I ignored her and that’s how I’ve treated people who attempted to reach out to me.

Two weeks have pass, I’m still hurt, still in a lot of pain, still don’t want to talk or really deal with anyone. Just want to be to myself and my thoughts as I deal with this, my improvement won’t be measured over days but rather time; weeks or months. Lets see how the next two weeks turn out…

Mother's Maternal Bond

Yesterday I spoke to my mom and she told me she was checking on me because she’s had two dreams in the past few days or weeks where she was holding me while I was crying. She doesn’t know that I’ve been crying for fourteen days now and I’m surprised and amazed that she would dream something like that during a time that I’ve been in so much pain. I haven’t seen my mom obviously is a year and our relationship isn’t the best or the most connected to begin with yet I suppose the maternal bond between a mother and her child is never broken. Instinctively my mother feels there’s something wrong with me thus she dream of me crying and I suppose instinctively she want to be there for me and protect me. If only she knew how accurate her dreams are. I lied and told her I was okay knowing its far from the truth. As much as its touching and heart felt that my mother would have such dreams the reality is she’s not the affectionate and consoling type. If I were to explain to her in detail what’s going on she would give me some cut and dry response and say something like, “You’re a man, get over it. Fuck her, etc, etc.” No compassion what so ever and right now what I perhaps need the most is compassion, to know that its going to be okay and there’s someone there for me if and when I need them. This would be a great time to have a wonderful relationship with my mom so I could turn to her for advice, comfort, protection and overall love. But my mother and I don’t have that kind of relationship, plus I’ve never been the one to express my emotions in detail with my her. Perhaps why I have a difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions with those I really care about but that’s for another time to discuss. Internally my mother know there’s something wrong with her son, its one of those parent things that I guess you can’t understand unless you yourself is a parent. I wanted to tell her what is going on, want her to be there for me but I know she wouldn’t give me the kind of affection I would need in this particular situation. It’s moments like these where I wish my mom and I had a better relationship, I wish I had the ideal relationship with her because right now, right now is where I really, really need her. Right now with what I’m dealing with is where a child would need the comfort, love, understanding, care and protection of his mother and the love and feeling only a mother can give. If only she knew how on point her dreams were, I wish things were different but they’re not. This does prove that no matter how good or bad the relationship with your parent is or the distance between the two of you, there will always be a maternal bond that connects you.

Maybe I Should Drink

I’m starting to think maybe I should start drinking. I need something to take the pain and hurt away, since there’s no activity for me to get into, nothing for me to do but sit here maybe I should drink. I need something to take my thoughts and tears away, something to drown my sorrows in. As much as I strongly dislike the taste and smell of liquor it maybe the one thing that will get me through this difficult time. I want to get drunk and pass out, wake up and not remember shit, don’t want the hammering headache, I just want to escape this shit for awhile. I’m in so much pain and there’s nothing to ease it, nothing to help me through this. Yeah I write, I read blogs from people who has or is experiencing what I’m going through and read how they dealt with the situation. But this shit is killing me, I’m tired of being strong, tired of dealing with his day by day. I want it to be over, I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to be weak and give into alcoholism so that I don’t have to deal with it. I’ve never been drunk, never been high, the few times I’ve tasted alcohol I never like it. I think I may have to change that, I just want the hurt and all my emotions to go away for awhile. Whether I talk to her or not the pain is there, I don’t want it to be. I can’t be strong by myself anymore, I can’t be the strong anymore. I’m in so much pain I just want it to stop. Please God take the pain away or just take my life and get it over with. I wake up and I cry, throughout the day I cry. I’m in so much pain I feel like I’m numb, I don’t smile, there’s a blank look constantly on my face. I emotionally weak which in turn has made me physically weak, I’m lost, scared, angry, frustrated, confused and I want it to stop. I can’t do this shit anymore, I want it to stop. I need something to take this pain away even if its for a little while.

Neighborhood Child

There's a little boy I see everyday, he rarely smile and hardly play with the other kids in the neighborhood. There's probably one other boy that he associate himself with. This little boy seems to have something wrong with him, nothing physical but something internal. I've tried to be friend the boy but he never seems to want to get close to me or allow me to get close to him nor does he get close to anyone. With each day, I see him, I can tell there's something wrong with this child; something that he's not telling or allowing anyone to figure out. I feel helpless to do anything for him, I want to be there for him and help him through whatever it is that troubling him but there’s a glass wall between us.

Each time I look into that child's brown eyes I see pain, I see a deep rooted pain that somehow has a hold on this child and won't let him go. It puzzles me trying to understand what has caused this child such pain. Pain that he's isolated himself from everyone; who could have hurt this child so much that he wishes not to be around anyone, choose not to smile, laugh or take part in child like activities. I'm powerless to do anything for this child thus it cause me great pain. I feel like a father powerless to help his dieing son, each day I see this boy I try to reach out to him, each day he is reluctant to even want me close yet I see apart of him that is crying out for someone to hold him, someone to love and protect him.

Each day I see this little boy and internally I cry I want to hold this child; I want to love this child. I want to show this child that I'm not here to hurt him and he can trust me. But each day I fail in my attempts and I watch this child at such a young age go through the world all alone in pain and there's nothing I can do to change that.

I wrote that several years ago. Every morning I look in the mirror I can still see that little boy hurting and there's nothing I can do to stop his pain. Now that little boy is in even more pain and again I'm powerless to comfort him or do anything to help him.

Guillaume Nery base jumping at Dean's Blue Hole, filmed on breath hold b...

Something about this video is breathe taking. It was a beautiful creation done at a beautiful location. Its World champion freediver Guillaume Nery dive at Dean's Blue Hole, the deepest blue hole or underwater sinkhole in the world. It plunges 202 metres (663 ft) into bay west of Clarence Town on Long Island, Bahamas. It was filmed entirely on breath hold by the french champion Julie Gautier.

Note: This is a fictional video in the sense that neither Nery or Gautier dive to the bottom of Dean's Blue Hole, that of course would be impossible.

I Woke Up Confused

I woke up a few minutes ago confused and dazed; not sure where I am or what time it was. I needed to sleep, I needed to not be in the now of reality for awhile, I needed not to think about anything i.e. her or cry so I slept. I played some mediation music (sounds of nature), closed my eyes and drifted off. The good news was I didn't dream about her, I didn't dream about anything. That nap felt really good perhaps too good because I was confused when I woke up. I wasn't sure what time it was or where I was and everything was a blur. For however long my nap was I was in a state of nothing-ness and it was peaceful. There was no emotions, nothing. Its hard to explain, it was just emptiness as I slept. No concept of anything, like someone turned my brain off and everything went black. Like I said, it was peaceful. The bad news is, its only momentary. I'm awake now, force to face reality and back in my state of sadness, state of pain and depression.... If only I could just sleep, sleep until the pain goes away.

No More Lyrical Music

One of the reasons why I stopped listening to love songs or just about any songs with words is because it would remind me of her, my feelings for her and what happened. Have you ever notice when you’re going through emotional shit, in my case a breakup, the songs on the radio seem to talk directly to you. Like the DJ know exactly what song to play at that exact moment, and that song seem to describe exactly what you’re going through or what happened. Everytime I’m in a taxi going downtown or if I’m walking and a car pass by with its radio up, its always a love song or a song that remind me of the shit I’m going through. The lyrics of whatever song is playing is what I’m feeling right at this moment, its crazy. It makes the situation that worst and me feel more sad. The only kind of music I listen to know is classical, instrumental of sounds of nature music. Something to clear my head and relax me, take my mind off of her. I refuse to play any other type of music now and when I hear any other kind I do my best to tune it out or leave the area, it sounds crazy I know but I know if I listen to lyrical music the pain will only feel worst and I’m already in enough pain. I love R&B music but I’m done with it, at least for awhile, a long while…

On another note, no pun, intented, after nine days without food I finally ate and most of the time I had to force myself, now I kind of feel like I want to throw up. I know I needed to eat something but ultimately I forced myself. My friend say its normal to have a lost of appetite and its are of the griefing process and it will pass. Either way, I don't have the urge to eat anymore. I doubt I’ll eat anything for the rest of the day, still don’t have an appetite even after I ate. The food itself was okay and I can already feel my body processing it. But, I’m not going to force myself to eat again, If I don’t have an appetite its just that, I won’t eat. I don't feel for food anymore… DAMN! The shit that love put you through is a BITCH!

Life Line

I don’t want to hear your voice, I don’t want to see your face.
I don’t want to be reminded of the source of my pain.
But I can’t escape you, I can’t run from you, I can’t be free of you as you are free of me.
You are my survival, my life line, I need you more than you need me so I can’t run from you.
The same person that is sustaining my life is also draining it away.
You are my life line so I have to hear your voice and be reminded of the pain, I have to see your face and see the source of my pain.
I can’t escape you, can’t run from you for in that act death also follow, yet I’m dying now because of you.
I can’t stand the pain but can’t escape it, can’t run or I will die, yet I’m dying on the inside.
You are my life line though my love for you is killing me.
You sustain me yet drain me so I sit trapped, trapped by love and by life because you are my life line and I need you.

Love Me Again

You were once mine, now I’ve lost you and it hurt
The world now doesn’t matter, breathing isn’t important, eating has become pointless.
All that consume my thoughts, my vision, my world is the pain of your absence.
A pain that with each passing moment, second, hour and day become more unbearable, like a burn on my heart that’s becoming too intense to endure.
I’ve lost you therefore I’ve lost myself.
The part of me that smiles, the part of me that is happy, the part of me that find meaning in life, joy, beauty in every sun rise and sunset is gone. Now in it’s place is a hole filled with sadness.
I’ve pushed you away and you took my heart as you were leaving.
You were once min and I let you go, now I’ll do anything to have you again, to see your smile, to feel your touch, to hold you.
I’ve lost you thus I’ve lost my heart, I’ve lost love, I’ve lost life. A life without love is no life and a life without you is not worth living.

Dreams of Her

I notice lately I’m having a lot of dreams about her and dreams of me fighting. For the past several night in addition to can’t stop thinking about her I would dream about her and those dreams would wake me up early in the morning. I normally don’t get eight hours of sleeping but not the little sleep I do get is shorten by my dreams. When I dream of her it isn’t a direct dream like I see her in the dream. It’s more like I see scenes of things and I know it represent her and what I’m feeling. So far I haven’t had a dream where she’s actually in the dream but all the dreams I’ve had in the past 3-4 night have been of her.

Sometimes I hear myself thinking about her while I sleep; not dreaming, there’s no pictures or talking in myself but actually thinking about her. My mind doesn’t stop dwelling on her even after I fall asleep. At night just before I pass out is the most intense, when I have all the lights, computer, tv is off my mind seem to go into overdrive and it doesn’t stop. Sometimes those dreams are accompanied by dreams of me fighting. One dream was me fighting off people who broke into my house and tried to blow it up. Another dream, I was in the army and I wanted to go fight some evil guy and last night I dreamt I was protecting a friend by fighting another person I know. Some of my fighting dream could be because I’ve watched The A-Team so many times. I could be trying to be like the characters of the movie.

As far as my dreams of her, I don’t know how to make sense of them. My mind can’t seem to escape her, I’m sad to say right now she has power over me. My friend gave me tips on what to do help with my dreams or rather help to not think and dream about her, but she says its all part of the healing process of going through a breakup. Its normal and something I have to face and go through to heal and get past this situation. Whatever it is, I’m in it, I’m consumed by it and whether I want it or not, whether I want to deal with it or not its here.

Prayer From A Friend

My good friend, the one who's been helping me through this, sent me a prayer a few days ago asking God to help me through what's going on. I thought I'll share it...

"Dear Jesus, please comfort [blank] and bring him peace to his heart. Reveal to him your unconditional love and give him strength. He is going through a very tough time right now, but I know that you love him because he is your son. He is suffering through great pain. He doesn't understand why this is happening to him. I pray that you will reveal your master plan to him and fill [blank's] heart with joy and love, and that you will show him that everything is in your control. You have the best plan for him and his life. Amen."

She's been a really good friend to me over the years and I thank her so much not only for the prayer but her friendship as well.

Still No Food

I think I’m being effected by now eating for so long. It’s now eight days since I’ve had any food. I’m not sure if it’s the same headaches that I normally would get but I’m getting headaches again. If I sit for a period of time then get up I would feel momentary weakness and get dizzy. At times I have trouble remembering things that have to do with numbers. I’m sure my body is breaking down from not having its normal intake of energy but since I’ve been here its never had its normal intake, being stressed, depress, not eating as much to begin with and now not eating anything in days I know my body is in the red.

I wanted to force myself to eat something today but I couldn’t, I just don’t have the appetite. Yet I feel like I’m being tempted to eat, the woman who often come to the house cooked yesterday and it smell so good, kinda of remind me of my mother’s cooking. For myself that night all I was thinking about was maybe I should eat but I didn’t. Then today I thought about buying some rice and peas and chicken from the restaurant I normally go to; I even walked up to it but decided not to, again feeling like I was forcing myself to eat. And now I’m noticing I’m making a lot of typos writing this entry. I’ve never done anything like this before, not eating. I have gone a few times while here a day without any food and juice but that was just one day; nothing like what I’m doing now. A large part of it is because I’m so depress I truly have no appetite but another part is because I don’t care anymore and want to see how long it would take before I eat or worst pass out. I’m not trying to prove something to myself but I think I just no longer have the urge to eat.

I went for another walk and as I was walking the pain, the hurt was overtaking me. With each step I took felt like I was going to break down. Eventually I made to the one of the beach area that didn’t have a lot of people and I was able to sit on the grass with no one close to me and I cried. I couldn’t help it I just broke down, afterwards I came back to the house the first time I cried myself to sleep. That’s how I feel a lot of the time, so overwhelmed with emotions that I have to cry or find somewhere alone to cry if I’m out. I woke up and felt I needed to walk some more and walked back to the beach area where I had cried earlier and wrote a poem. Its now day eleven of me crying. While I was out the second time I notice I started feeling anger towards everything and everyone. When I walked in crowed areas that anger grew worst, like I couldn’t stand them and wanted to scream out fuck everybody.

I notice that I’m feeling more angry lately, not at any one person but at people, nature, the world everything and everyone. I didn’t want to be near anyone, forget not having any kind of physical contact with people, I now don’t even want to be near anyone. Perhaps I’m losing my connect with people, if not already perhaps I’m beginning to shut myself off from them as another way of guarding myself but learning from the mistake that got me here in the first place. I was guarded but I still interact with people, still laugh, party and socialize which lead to me falling in love because there was weakness in my walls. She broke through those weakness and I fall in love with her as a result. I was still connect with people, the way I’m feeling now I want to completely break that connection and just do my own thing with as little human contact as possible. In a world of 6 billion and a very social world that’s going to be difficult to do especially with me going to be a pilot.

I think love, friendship, family, things like that isn’t for me. They have brought me a great deal of pain and I believe its now time to accept and embrace what I’ve been trying to avoid. I’m a loner, a lonely person, love and a family are things I’ll never have. The more I try to get it the more I’ll get hurt. So I need to learn to accept the reality of my life and completely disconnect myself from everyone but my sister. What I’m going through with her is killing me and maybe this is what need to happen, I need to die so I can begin to reshape my life to a more isolated one. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been stuck out here for so long, perhaps that’s why she choose this time to fall out of love with me, God’s way of taking everything away from me to teach me that I don’t need them, they weren’t mine to begin with and things like those I’ll never have. Perhaps I’m here so I can learn to be alone…

(first written Saturday June 19, 2010)

Updates

The most important update would be that as I type my sister is graduating. I’m both proud and sad, she’s growing up and for this special moment I’m not there. My mom says its okay, its understandable given that I’m in another country and its only junior high but I feel a level of responsibility of always being there for my little sister no matter what. To show her my love and support and to let her know that no matter what she does in life I’m going to be there to support her. But I’m proud of her just the same, my little sister is growing up. Going to be in high school in a few months, how the time flies. I love her so much.

As for me the past week has been emotional but things seem to slowly improve, today mark ten days straight that I’ve been crying but I’m not crying as often and not for a lengthy period of time like a few days ago. So emotional, slowly its finally sinking what the reality is and that there’s nothing I can do about it, at least not while being stuck here. Ten days of tears, WOW… I’m not sleeping constantly sleeping as much. I suspect that though I’m far from okay emotional I’m not drowning myself in sleep to escape what’s going on and what I’m feeling. I still wish I could sleep even more then when I was at that point just to escape period. The sad reality is if its not the emotional depression with what’s going on with her that bring me down its also the fact that I’m still stuck here not knowing when I’ll return. I’m dealing with two emotional situations at the same time alone.

I still haven’t ate anything only drank so today make it a week I’ve gone without food. I still don’t have an appetite and I don’t drink that much either. I haven’t shaved or cut my hair in a month and some days now, also don’t feel like grooming myself… Again, feeling like what’s the point. I think that’s what is driving me to change a lot of what I’ve normally do and its feeling like there’s no more point to it now that she has no more feelings for me. My life is even more upside down, certain things I no longer feel the point in doing anymore. Being here and going through what I’m going through with her completely shake my world up. I have to do the difficult task of trying to handle it day by day. Certain things about me is changing and though I’m not sure if they are for a positive change I’m not going to stop it just going to deal with it as it come.

Long Walk For Peace

I spoke to my friend again yesterday and then I took a much needed walk downtown. I stopped by one of the beach areas, cried then talk to God and asked for strength, guidance, peace and for the pain not to last long. Then I went by the airport, sat close to the runway and stayed there for about an hour and a half. I cried some more, talk to God again and then I wrote a poem. On my way back to the house I bought some movies, got to the house and popped them in. I feel a lot better, I know I’m far from okay, I still think about her and that she’s moved on. At times while watching the movie I wondered what she’s doing, is she talking to the person she’s interested in, is she with him at the moment etc. Things are going to be day to day, each day I’m going to have to find ways to get through this pain, get through this emotional hurricane I’m caught in the middle of.

Each day will be a new day of trying to find peace and strength but today was better than yesterday. My friend because she’s recently going through what I’m not experiencing she’s been able to talk me through some of the stuff I’m experiencing. Talking to her has really helped me. I’ve never gone through anything like this before, not with any of the few women in my past, largely because her and I physically and emotional where so close; we did and went everywhere together. A lot of my friends became her friends and now that its over I face an unknown future, unknown reality and of yeah, I’m stuck in another country by myself going through it. I’ve broke contact with all of those friends when I deactivated my facebook. It’s a challenge and I pray that I can make it through it all. Her and I haven’t talked much in the past two days, I want to talk to her but I guess she doesn’t want to talk to me. A long time ago she told me that when she’s interested in someone that’s all she focus on I guess that’s where she’s at now, focus just on him and no room for anyone else, i.e. me. So much for the friendship she want us to have.

I feel abandon by her on top of all the other emotions. I thought she would at least keep in regular contact with me given circumstance I’m in and still rely heavily on her in a lot of ways, and that she says she’s my friend and how much as a friend she love me. I saw this action before and questioned her about it, how come we don’t talk as much anymore. At the time she would say its because we hang nothing to talk about, then all of a sudden we go back to talking everyday again. So now I’m sure if I ask her again her reply would be the same but now I know it would be because there’s someone in the picture. Yeah, I feel hurt and now abandon and as much as it hurt I refuse to be anger at her or take it out on her. At the end of the day I will forever be grateful for what she has done for me and whether or friendship survive this or not if she ever need me I’m going to be there for her. But right now I have to be there for myself, I have to find a way to get past this, to get past her and like she said and want, I have to “let her go.” That walk I took really help but that’s only one day, now I have to find a way again and again and again to heal myself and get through this.

Moving On

I never thought things would be like this with that person especially with me away from home. I’m still in shock and disbelief how things are unfolding, yet some way, somehow I guess I have to accept it and move on. I spoke to a close friend two days about the situation and it look like the conversation helped. I felt better after talking to her even though I still was crying, she always gave me some things to read to help me through this difficult time. I now have to begin the process of healing, yeah, I have to heal myself from the one I love. I honestly thought her and I was too close for something like to happen to us, I never thought that in a sense we would be breaking up while I’m stuck out here. I never thought it would end. I have to heal myself now, focus on me and how I’m going to deal with this rebuilding stage and break my feelings and addiction of her. For the past two years she’s been my world, we did and went everywhere together now that world is no more. I have to put it behind me and somehow move on and what’s worst is I’m out here alone having to do it, or maybe that’s a good thing I’m not sure. But things looks to really be over, she wants to us to still be friends. I don’t think that will be possible, I’m too deeply in love with her to just be her friend, seeing her with another person knowing that I want to be the one she’s with, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.

Once I return to LA I’m going to cut all ties completely with her even with our mutual friends. I’m sadden by what I’m saying and what I about to do, I love her so much but she couldn’t see that I loved her in my own way and I showed that love as best I could. She knew I love her but she wanted me to love her the way she felt she should be love so at the end my love wasn’t enough to keep her. Once I was stuck out there she got the opportunity she needed to emotionally separate herself from me. Like I told her and she denied, I was outta sight and became outta mind. It won’t be so easy for me to do with her but I have no choice, I’m force to move on. I feel like crying now but that’s okay, I won’t hold back my tears, I’m going to let it all out when it need to until there’s no more tears for her. I’ve asked God to give me another chance with her and as of today he’s sees fit not to grant me that chance. Its going to be a difficult and painful road ahead, things won’t be easy but it’s a road I have no choice but to travel down. I’m in love with someone who no longer love me, I would have never thought things would end like this with her and I, oh I miss her so much. Like what my friend said, I was too guarded, and it back fired, now I have to pay for that mistake. This is a road I don’t want to travel down, especially not with her, not her, not when I’ve fallen so deeply in love with her and she mean so much to me. I’m crying again, I hope I have the strength to make it through this so here goes the first of what will be many painful steps in moving on…

Starting Anew

I’ve decided to start these blogs as a way to express what I’m feeling inside, a way to vent my pain, hurt, anger, frustration etc. about how my life is right now. I’m not sure if what I’m doing will help but its worth a try. I’m in so much pain I don’t know where to turn, I'm out there in another country with no one to turn to and my world is falling apart. I’ve thought about killing myself, just ending it so the pain will stop, not think about her and how much I miss her. I feel so alone now, I feel like I have no one to love me, to turn to. I feel like my world has fallen apart, how do you move on from that? What lessons are to be learned with so much pain? How are you to be a stronger person from all of it when you are so weak? I’ve loved and now I’ve lost, so now I’m writing and crying because its the only thing I can do. So we shall see how this turns out…