Delusion

Sometimes we just have to accept that life isn't all that is cracked up to be. It isn't some Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after. Sometimes, what am I talking about, often the bad guy win, the jerk get the girl and the prince, well the prince is left sitting on his white horse looking zany. I don't know if I'm becoming cyncial but this shit is for the birds for real. Fittingly enough since its coming up on that time of year I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge and say, "Baa Humbug" to all this shit. Life and love is one big horror movie pretending to be a Disney classic...

Abandon

I’ve had restless nights for the past several nights. All I do now is cry, pray and write poems. I feel like I’m trapped in pain and helpless to do anything about it. Last night all I did was cry and pray; just talked to God as the tears run down my face. When I wasn’t doing that I would write a poem or try to do something; watch a movie, surf the web, etc. Nothing seem to work. I can feel my body so consumed in pain I feel numb. I socked the wall several times and felt no pain or minimal pain. At one point it felt like I was having a panic attack. I feel abandon, no longer important to her. We hardly even talk, my calls go unanswered and not returned. My instant messages go un-replied. I’m not important enough anymore to want to talk to me every chance she get like she use to a few weeks ago, now she’s dating someone so Raheem gets thrown on the back burner. All I get now is a “morning” instant message and that’s it for the whole day. The person she cared so much about, the person that was so important to her, now that she’s seeing someone its as if I’m nobody. I’ve been abandon and there’s nothing I can do about it but cry and write pathetic ass poems. Is this what people mean when they say love hurt? Cause I’m in a lot of pain right now. Even though I’m hurting from other things that’s going on in my life this right here is by far the most painful and is effecting me the most. All I do now is cry and try to find comfort in my tears…

Recurring Dream

For the past couple of night I keep having a recurring dream. It’s been so intense it has woke me up out of myself. I’m slowly getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep at night. The dream is where I’m running from a huge dragon, running all over the city trying to get somewhere. I feel if I can get to that location I would be safe from this dragon. I’m constantly running and hiding, even asking others for help but no matter where I go, how well I’m hidden the dragon always finds me. It’s like it know what I’m going to do before or as I do it. And it’s very aggressive dragon although when it finds me it couldn’t capture me; like a cat and mouse chase and the mouse is me.

For two nights in a row I’ve had this dream and I can’t make any sense of it all. I’m here trying to figure out the meaning behind the dream and others I’ve always had during the night. I know my dream i.e. my mind is trying to tell me something or figure something out but I have no idea what that is. Overall I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks but this dream in particular is adding stress during a time when I should be relaxing from all the shit that I’m dealing with while awake. It’s bad enough I’m not at peace while awake and a few while I’m asleep. Now it seems I’m not getting any at all. I can’t figure out what my subconscious part of my brain is telling me or want me to figure out and I’m losing sleep as a result, actually I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve been in a constant state of depression for over a year now but with this dream its worst and I’m getting worried, it’s freaking me out a bit.

Emotionally Alone

It feels as if I'm the only one left in the world. Yet at the same time it feels as if with so many people around I have no one to talk to. She and I have hardly spoken in the past few days; she's busy doing whatever she's doing, being interested in other guys. People who I once consider friends I feel I can't trust of communicate with anymore. I'm emotionally alone, for the past five years things were the complete opposite especially in the past three. Now I'm once again at a place where I've been before but hoped I wouldn't return, but I'm here, here again. My emotionally state of mind is parallel with my physical; no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one I feel is there for me anymore. Just isolation emotionally and physically it would seem.

It’s a re-adjustment once again. Going back to a time when I had no one, I communicate with no one, just like now back them because of circumstance in life I was alone is all sense of the world. Just as with then, now I feel it’s just me, left with my feelings for someone I can't share towards, feelings and now believing I have no one in my corner, feeling as if there's a impossible mountain in front of me that I must climb and feeling just cut off from the world.

I'm trying to accept things as they are right now, trying to suppress my feelings for her, put her out of my mind, fight the urge to want to talk to her because it’s clear she doesn't want to talk to me nor am I on her mind. I have to learn to only communicate with myself, once again find joy in this isolation, and find happiness knowing I'm not happy. Just like before I have to realize and understand I have no friends, I seem to be place on this earth to be alone, to not find joy in the simple things in life, human interaction. I'm going to an extremely emotional and difficult moment in my life and one thing for sure is certain, I'm in it by myself and when I emerge for this experience I will continue to be by myself.

Finish The Art of War

I finished reading The Art of War in several hours. It wasn’t a difficult read nor did it drag the point out to make the book lengthy. I saw in that book things I was doing wrong in my personal life, fail strategies that I was continuing. Even though The Art of War is about military strategy its clear after reading a few of the pages that you can apply it to all areas of life and that’s what I intend on doing. I was caught up in reading it just as I was caught up in reading The Secret. What I’ve got from both those book I plan on changing the way I think, act and look at life and the world. I enjoy reading it and it isn’t a book where you only read once, it along with The Secret are books that you return to over and over again when you need to understand events in your life or even yourself when you are going through those events. Now that I’m finish reading that, there’s still the Bible that I’m reading now I’m trying about what other books I should get.

The Art of War

I finished reading The Secret last Saturday, only took me four days to read it, I’m sure I would have finished it soon if I wasn’t at Chris house. I’ve began reading more of the Bible, still in the Old Testament; Genesis. But today I went to the book store and bought The Art of War. I’ve heard a lot about it and it’s a good book to ready about war strategy or just strategy in general. I’ve been curious to see what the big deal is so finally I have a copy of my own to read. Just like with The Secret I’m reading both the Art of War and the Bible together. All part of the healing process that I’m on, I’m trying to heal from within so that my outer shell can be strong and personally I feel the best way to do that is with the heart, mind and spirituality.

The Bible of course deal with the spiritual side and though I believe in Christianity I’m not going to limit myself to only book about Christianity, I plan on buying book from different religions in order to be a more spiritual and spiritually enlighten person. I will pray more and also meditate in pursuit to be one with myself and one with Christ.

The Secret will deal with understanding who I am and the powers I have within me given by God to understand and connect with the universe. To be one with everything and everyone around me and in the world, therefore be the master of my surroundings and future. The Secret is how to be the person I want to be and have the things I want in life through my through process; understanding that the way I think, feeling, act, believe is what will shape my life.

And the Art of War I will be how to understand others, how to make a plan for what I want, how to understand the art of strategy and execution to be able to achieve that which I’ve set my mind on. I know I can’t heal from the outside in so I’m tackling things from the inside on a mental and spiritual level. I’m sure these only be the only literatures I buy on the path of self healing but I think I’m certainly off to a good start.

I’m still waiting on the book Joy bought and sent to me, I think it will still be several weeks before it arrive; that deal with relationship and how to handle a breakup. That I think will provide some insight to the complexity of what I went through and thus the reason I’m on the journey. Right now I’m all about healing, all about growing within myself and learning about who I am on all levels so that can maximize the potential of who Raheem is. Honestly, I actually like this path I’m on; learning and growing within yourself is actually a pleasant and rewarding feeling.

Appetite Returning

In the last few days I’ve been eating a lot so its safe to say my appetite is returning. I think I’ve even gain back a few pounds. My lost of appetite signaled me at a very low point emotionally, spiritually and definitely physically so me now wanting to eat and eating more than usually is a good sign that things are improving for me. Everyone is happy that I’m eating again but my mom and her still from time to time ask me if I'm eating. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I started eating so I wasn’t too concern like they were. I still can’t believe I went that long without a bit, crazy what the mind and body can endure. I was that depress that my body shut down its most basic function; survival. I’m in no rush to do that again but if I’m every in a situation where I have to go without food at least I know I can do it.

Boyz II Men - I Will Get There

I believe and know I'm going to get through this and become a stronger, better, and wiser, person. I'm in the dark but I'm slowly starting to see the light at the end of this dark journey.

Spiritual and Mental Guidance

For the longest time I’ve felt that I’m missing something, feeling that I need to reconnect or connect spiritually and mentally. With all the things that is going on and especially when what’s going on with Dee I feel more than ever I need that connection. I feel like I’m out of control, lost, powerless, alone and scared. I feel like my life is on a spiral dive and I can’t stop it. For several months I’ve felt the need to find spiritual balance, start going to church, pray more, mediate, something, anything to get to a place of spiritual and mental balance. The past month has been extremely difficult for me on top of already having a difficult past 12 months. I decided I can’t handle what I’m going through alone, the thoughts I’m having, the emotions I’m feeling, the things I’m doing isn’t physically, psychology, emotionally or spiritually healthy for me. I have to find help and fast before something crazy or bad happen to me. Yesterday, I went downtown to a bookstore and purchase two books that I feel will help me regain myself both emotionally and spiritually.

I bought a copy of the Bible, the King James version and also The Secret. Separately, they are good reading materials but together I’m hoping they would be what I need in my life right now; guidance. I’m still waiting on the book that Joy bought for me and when that arrive I’m going to use that to also help me through all of this. I’m broken, hurt, sad, depress, having thoughts of suicide, thinking about starting to drink. I’m experiencing things I’ve never experienced in a situation and combination of situations I’ve never experience before and going through it all completely alone, away from home without friends and family for support. I’m weak and I’m not afraid to say this maybe a situation I can’t deal with by myself and is willing to seek the help of a higher power as well as tapping into my own personal strength to get through this. Some say the first step in healing is to admit you have a problem, well, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM. I can’t do this alone and will need help in whatever form that help may come. With that said, let the healing process begin.

God’s Plan, Cause and Effect, Choice

I just finish reading someone’s blog and the point of the blog was stop trying to control life but instead live it. She mentioned that we have a choice on how to act on the events in our lives. There’s a plan but its up to us basically how we deal with that plan thus how our live turn out; positively or negatively.

Maybe this is me being cynical or perhaps I’m starting to see things and the world clearer but I don’t think we have a choice like we think we do. I think the only thing we can do is to react to the shit that happen to us, cause and effect which mean we really don’t have a choice at all. I think God does have a plan for us and the more I go through life, the more I deal with certain things the more I realize that his plan is completely different from my plan. If that is the case then I have no control, thus, all my actions is a reaction to or against the original plan that he has for me.

It’s a simple matter of cause and effect; something happen thus I react to it. We think we are acting on it but the truth is we aren’t because our “proactive action” or “reaction” was set in motion only because of what happened. In other words if “this” didn’t happen we wouldn’t do “that.” Or because “this” happened we did “that.’ We want to believe that we are in control of our lives, we want that feeling of power to know we are the one who decide what happen and how our lives turn out but the reality is we aren’t. We are a part of God’s plan reveal to us through cause and effect. We have no control, its an illusion just like power and love.

Some people would say if something happen to you its up to you how you deal with it, really? So if I slap you do you really have much control on your reaction to being slap? One would say yes, you can get upset and hit me back or you can stand there and take it. I say no, if I slap you (cause), the response is pain (effect) and your action is a direct result of the level of pain I cause you. Lets say I didn’t hit you that hard, still, the effect would be angry for being slap or the body reacting out of reflex or defense and you will do something. Or lets go to the extreme, say you didn’t do anything after I slap; physically you may not have done anything but internally your body did respond to being hit. We don’t act on situations in life we react to them, whatever that reaction is whether positively or negatively is a matter of degree base on each individual perspective.

Like I said, maybe I’m being cynical because of what I’m currently experiencing but I’m starting not to believe that we have any control over our lives, we only have the illusion of control and at the end of the day its simply cause and effect, God’s plan. Now this isn’t to say that God’s plan is bad or taken in a negative light but base on the shit I’m dealing with and to a greater extent other shit that I’ve been dealing with for the past year, I really don’t believe in certain shit anymore and feel that all the things that we talk about, do, or pretend to know is bullshit.

At the end of the day shit is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it, at the end of the day regardless of who you are, how good of a person you are, how caring and loving you are your still going to get fucked in the end because that’s the plan, that’s the effect. However you “react” to things really doesn’t matter, you aren’t the one in control.