Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Fear of The Outside World
I find myself more and more afraid to go outside and be around people. It isn't that the location I'm at or going to is more physically dangerous than before but I feel more comfortable than before away from people. Today I went outside for a bit and I didn't feel right or at ease being outside and around anyone (not that I've felt totally at ease in Jamaica), I couldn't wait to return to the house and in the room. I feel more emotionally safe within the four walls I'm renting and now that her and I hardly speak I'm finding acceptance not talking to anyone for hours at a time or the entire day regardless of the venue of communication. I already stopped communicating with just about everyone from L.A. so not speaking to her as often anymore in a sense mean I don’t talk to anyone anymore from LA or here in Jamaica unless its necessary with the exception of my mom and sister. Where some people seek out others for social interaction and companionship I'm trying to avoid it, when some people get lonely if they aren't around anyone or speak to anyone it's the opposite for me. I was anti social for most of my life then during my experiences at Plei I become social, some went as far as calling me a social butterfly and "the life of the party" so to speak. But now I feel I'm surpassing the definition of that of anti social. I'm not sure what that term is call or the characteristic of such a person but I don't want to be around anyone anymore physically or emotionally nor do I want to communicate with anyone. Its like the movie, I Am Legend or Cast Away in the sense that I want to be alone in the world or at least avoid human interactions as much as possible; I feel safer and comfortable that way. The world has more people than ever before, 7 billion and counting. I'm trying to avoid interacting with those 7 billion, its less painful that way.