Thursday, July 15, 2010

Finish The Art of War

I finished reading The Art of War in several hours. It wasn’t a difficult read nor did it drag the point out to make the book lengthy. I saw in that book things I was doing wrong in my personal life, fail strategies that I was continuing. Even though The Art of War is about military strategy its clear after reading a few of the pages that you can apply it to all areas of life and that’s what I intend on doing. I was caught up in reading it just as I was caught up in reading The Secret. What I’ve got from both those book I plan on changing the way I think, act and look at life and the world. I enjoy reading it and it isn’t a book where you only read once, it along with The Secret are books that you return to over and over again when you need to understand events in your life or even yourself when you are going through those events. Now that I’m finish reading that, there’s still the Bible that I’m reading now I’m trying about what other books I should get.

The Art of War

I finished reading The Secret last Saturday, only took me four days to read it, I’m sure I would have finished it soon if I wasn’t at Chris house. I’ve began reading more of the Bible, still in the Old Testament; Genesis. But today I went to the book store and bought The Art of War. I’ve heard a lot about it and it’s a good book to ready about war strategy or just strategy in general. I’ve been curious to see what the big deal is so finally I have a copy of my own to read. Just like with The Secret I’m reading both the Art of War and the Bible together. All part of the healing process that I’m on, I’m trying to heal from within so that my outer shell can be strong and personally I feel the best way to do that is with the heart, mind and spirituality.

The Bible of course deal with the spiritual side and though I believe in Christianity I’m not going to limit myself to only book about Christianity, I plan on buying book from different religions in order to be a more spiritual and spiritually enlighten person. I will pray more and also meditate in pursuit to be one with myself and one with Christ.

The Secret will deal with understanding who I am and the powers I have within me given by God to understand and connect with the universe. To be one with everything and everyone around me and in the world, therefore be the master of my surroundings and future. The Secret is how to be the person I want to be and have the things I want in life through my through process; understanding that the way I think, feeling, act, believe is what will shape my life.

And the Art of War I will be how to understand others, how to make a plan for what I want, how to understand the art of strategy and execution to be able to achieve that which I’ve set my mind on. I know I can’t heal from the outside in so I’m tackling things from the inside on a mental and spiritual level. I’m sure these only be the only literatures I buy on the path of self healing but I think I’m certainly off to a good start.

I’m still waiting on the book Joy bought and sent to me, I think it will still be several weeks before it arrive; that deal with relationship and how to handle a breakup. That I think will provide some insight to the complexity of what I went through and thus the reason I’m on the journey. Right now I’m all about healing, all about growing within myself and learning about who I am on all levels so that can maximize the potential of who Raheem is. Honestly, I actually like this path I’m on; learning and growing within yourself is actually a pleasant and rewarding feeling.

Appetite Returning

In the last few days I’ve been eating a lot so its safe to say my appetite is returning. I think I’ve even gain back a few pounds. My lost of appetite signaled me at a very low point emotionally, spiritually and definitely physically so me now wanting to eat and eating more than usually is a good sign that things are improving for me. Everyone is happy that I’m eating again but my mom and her still from time to time ask me if I'm eating. I knew it would only be a matter of time before I started eating so I wasn’t too concern like they were. I still can’t believe I went that long without a bit, crazy what the mind and body can endure. I was that depress that my body shut down its most basic function; survival. I’m in no rush to do that again but if I’m every in a situation where I have to go without food at least I know I can do it.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Boyz II Men - I Will Get There

I believe and know I'm going to get through this and become a stronger, better, and wiser, person. I'm in the dark but I'm slowly starting to see the light at the end of this dark journey.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Spiritual and Mental Guidance

For the longest time I’ve felt that I’m missing something, feeling that I need to reconnect or connect spiritually and mentally. With all the things that is going on and especially when what’s going on with Dee I feel more than ever I need that connection. I feel like I’m out of control, lost, powerless, alone and scared. I feel like my life is on a spiral dive and I can’t stop it. For several months I’ve felt the need to find spiritual balance, start going to church, pray more, mediate, something, anything to get to a place of spiritual and mental balance. The past month has been extremely difficult for me on top of already having a difficult past 12 months. I decided I can’t handle what I’m going through alone, the thoughts I’m having, the emotions I’m feeling, the things I’m doing isn’t physically, psychology, emotionally or spiritually healthy for me. I have to find help and fast before something crazy or bad happen to me. Yesterday, I went downtown to a bookstore and purchase two books that I feel will help me regain myself both emotionally and spiritually.

I bought a copy of the Bible, the King James version and also The Secret. Separately, they are good reading materials but together I’m hoping they would be what I need in my life right now; guidance. I’m still waiting on the book that Joy bought for me and when that arrive I’m going to use that to also help me through all of this. I’m broken, hurt, sad, depress, having thoughts of suicide, thinking about starting to drink. I’m experiencing things I’ve never experienced in a situation and combination of situations I’ve never experience before and going through it all completely alone, away from home without friends and family for support. I’m weak and I’m not afraid to say this maybe a situation I can’t deal with by myself and is willing to seek the help of a higher power as well as tapping into my own personal strength to get through this. Some say the first step in healing is to admit you have a problem, well, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM. I can’t do this alone and will need help in whatever form that help may come. With that said, let the healing process begin.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

God’s Plan, Cause and Effect, Choice

I just finish reading someone’s blog and the point of the blog was stop trying to control life but instead live it. She mentioned that we have a choice on how to act on the events in our lives. There’s a plan but its up to us basically how we deal with that plan thus how our live turn out; positively or negatively.

Maybe this is me being cynical or perhaps I’m starting to see things and the world clearer but I don’t think we have a choice like we think we do. I think the only thing we can do is to react to the shit that happen to us, cause and effect which mean we really don’t have a choice at all. I think God does have a plan for us and the more I go through life, the more I deal with certain things the more I realize that his plan is completely different from my plan. If that is the case then I have no control, thus, all my actions is a reaction to or against the original plan that he has for me.

It’s a simple matter of cause and effect; something happen thus I react to it. We think we are acting on it but the truth is we aren’t because our “proactive action” or “reaction” was set in motion only because of what happened. In other words if “this” didn’t happen we wouldn’t do “that.” Or because “this” happened we did “that.’ We want to believe that we are in control of our lives, we want that feeling of power to know we are the one who decide what happen and how our lives turn out but the reality is we aren’t. We are a part of God’s plan reveal to us through cause and effect. We have no control, its an illusion just like power and love.

Some people would say if something happen to you its up to you how you deal with it, really? So if I slap you do you really have much control on your reaction to being slap? One would say yes, you can get upset and hit me back or you can stand there and take it. I say no, if I slap you (cause), the response is pain (effect) and your action is a direct result of the level of pain I cause you. Lets say I didn’t hit you that hard, still, the effect would be angry for being slap or the body reacting out of reflex or defense and you will do something. Or lets go to the extreme, say you didn’t do anything after I slap; physically you may not have done anything but internally your body did respond to being hit. We don’t act on situations in life we react to them, whatever that reaction is whether positively or negatively is a matter of degree base on each individual perspective.

Like I said, maybe I’m being cynical because of what I’m currently experiencing but I’m starting not to believe that we have any control over our lives, we only have the illusion of control and at the end of the day its simply cause and effect, God’s plan. Now this isn’t to say that God’s plan is bad or taken in a negative light but base on the shit I’m dealing with and to a greater extent other shit that I’ve been dealing with for the past year, I really don’t believe in certain shit anymore and feel that all the things that we talk about, do, or pretend to know is bullshit.

At the end of the day shit is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it, at the end of the day regardless of who you are, how good of a person you are, how caring and loving you are your still going to get fucked in the end because that’s the plan, that’s the effect. However you “react” to things really doesn’t matter, you aren’t the one in control.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Too Guarded! Maybe, Maybe Not

It seems I was too good at what I didn’t realize I was doing. I was too guarded with my feelings and emotions so God decided to punish me by taking away the love of one of the people I love the most. So now I have all this love that I want to show, all this love that I want to express and now I can’t. Its too late, its not enough, time ran out on me. Fearing I would get hurt and be alone I’m ultimately now hurting and is alone. I’m not going to put all of the blame for what’s going on solely on my shoulders but I can only speak for my own actions. Love was there, I did the best I could to show as much of that love as I could, walls did come down but not enough I suppose. Not enough to show and prove to her that I do love her, my actions alone wasn’t enough. I really believe I’m being punish although I feel its not completely my fault; I was afraid to completely let down all my walls because of past experience yet at the same time I fully and completely trust, love her and let her in closer than I’ve ever allowed anyone to get to me. I let down more walls and open up to her more than anyone before but like I said, it wasn’t enough.

I think it wasn’t that I was too guarded, honestly I don’t know what it was because I did overcome a lot of the fears that I once had. I was open with her, I love her the best way I could. Given more time I know I would continue to be open with her and show her the kind of love I have for her and the kind she wanted me to show or learn how to love her the way she wanted. I love her and showed her that love through my actions, it wasn’t what I said but what I did that displayed how much she meant to me. But it wasn’t enough, guarded or not I wonder would things ever be enough with anyone. So now I’m without the one I love and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. It seems no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, guarded or not, the end result will still be the same. I believe that’s why I’m feeling this way about people in general; no matter what it seems love and romance just isn’t for me so why continue to put myself through it. Why keep trying, trusting people, having faith in people, why? Was I too guarded with her, maybe, maybe not; that’s a question of degree. Do I love her, yes, of course. Did I try, did I make an honest effort to show that love yes. But I’m still at the end of the day in tears, sad, depress, thoughts of suicide, thinking about drinking to ease the pain. So whether or not I have walls up its basically the same shit but didn’t person.


I think for the remaining time that I’m here I’m going to continue to stay to myself except of course when I really have to interact or socialize with someone. I may conserve with one of two people occasionally but that’s about it. Once I return to LA I’m going to continue my hiatus and isolation. I can’t deal with people on an intimate level anymore, I can’t deal with people even on a casual level. I’m cynical, I think everyone is full of shit right now, not one to be trusted or way bother dealing with anyone when the outcome will likely be the same as this one. In a sense I’m going to completely cut my interaction and socialization with mankind down to only dealing with people when I absolutely have to. What I’m going through right now has completely turned me off from EVERYONE. I’m going in a cave and lock myself up, whether I heal from this or not; emerge as a beautiful butterfly I really don’t care. I simply don’t want to fuck with people anymore. I’ll vent with the outside world through these blogs and Twitter but since no one follow me on either one I don’t have to worry about corresponding with anyone. I’m in a lot of pain, I’m hurting really bad. I need to go somewhere and lick my wounds, I need to go somewhere and heal, I need to go someone mentally and as physically as I possibly can and alone. I’ve been here alone for a year, I was hoping to return to the life I left, the one I love but that world, that life no longer exists so I need to continue what I’ve already been doing for a year, be alone. I have to learn once again to find comfort and joy in complete isolation; there’s little of my past life that I’ll be returning to. So, I have to get use to being by myself again. I’ve already not spoken to 99.9999% of my friends and associates in a month and I think its best that I completely cut all ties with everyone and completely stay to myself. *LET THE HIATUS CONTINUE*

Sunday, July 4, 2010

29yr Old Habit Broken

In the mist of what’s going on I’ve been able to break a 29yr old habit. Actually I feel its because of what’s going on that I’ve been able to break it. It's an embarrasing habit, at least for me so I'm not going to mention what it is, but its something I thought I probably never be able to do I’ve stopped. I’ve been ashamed for so long but no I can say with confidence that I’ve broken that habit. For so long it has provided me comfort and relaxation but not anymore. Not that it no longer provide those things for me but I feel I no longer need to do it to be comfortable or relax. I’m a bit surprise that I cut the habit just like that. I remember saying to myself that what’s the point anymore, what’s the point in doing anything now that she doesn’t love me anymore and told myself I wasn’t going to do it anymore. I figured I’ll go a few hours, maybe a day or two. If I went two weeks without doing it, the habit should be broken. After a week of not doing it I figured I might as well push for the two weeks and sure enough, two weeks later I still hadn’t done it. For those two weeks I got the urge but I catch myself and said no, I’m not going to do it. Slowly those urges went away. In a weird way its all thanks to the shit I’m going through right now. I’m extremely proud of myself and to be honest I don’t miss it like I thought I would. For so long it had a bit of hold on me like I had to do it but now I don’t see how something that had such a hold for some long I’ve been able to stop just like that and not miss it. Either way, like I said I’m proud of myself for doing it and doing it on my own.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Joining The Dark Side

Throughout my life I’ve always felt there is an ongoing battle in my head; a battle for balance, peace and love. The best way I can describe it would be like the character from the Matrix trilogy; Agent Smith and Neo. Ultimately they are the same being but opposite of each other, one want peace the other want chaos or in my case just lack of emotions. I feel there’s a constant struggle in my head for peace base on the things I’ve gone through in life. I notice within myself at times decisions are difficult for me to make because I see both sides the pros and cons of whatever I’m deciding equally. I want to be love yet I want to not have anything to do with anyone. I’m a social person yet a loner at the same time. I do what’s right though at times I can for nothing. I’m both black and white, positive and negative, ying and yang. At times like right now I just want to be angry, not care, not give a fuck and whatever happens just happens. Yet on the other hand there’s a part of me that find beauty in everything, love the world and is a humanitarian and environmentalist. But right now, right at this moment I feel the battle for my mind and ultimately my soul will soon be in the hands of the dark side. I’m not a big Star War’s fan, I’ll admit that I’ve only watched one of the movies but like the character Anakin Skywalker plague by tragic life changing experiences who eventually became Darth Vader, I too feel its only a matter of time before I join the dark side. After losing his wife, Padmé Amidala, Anakin lost hope and faith. The rage and pain of so many years of hurt despite being a Jedi finally consumed him with her death. That’s how I feel like, the years of hurt and pain feeling like I’m finally being consumed by it now that the one I’ve love the most is now gone. My heart can’t seem to take it anymore; I’m angry, lost of patients, seem to be numb of other emotions other than rage. Now, all that’s left is the dark side, all that’s left is my rage and anger. What I’m going through seem to be the final straw, the last hope in my life long battle of peace and love seem to now be gone now that I’m without her love. Agent Smith will soon consume me, I’m crossing over to the Sith to become Darth Vader. My life long battle for mental and emotional peace probably has come to an end and the good guys didn’t win. Agent Smith and Darth Vader will soon have control…