Monday, May 23, 2011
Yaad2Yard is up and running on Facebook and I'm nervous about it. Its like watching your baby take their first step, your mindful of ever movement they make and your primary concern is their safety; or as in my case how well the page will be received and will anyone purchase someone. I find myself more interested in the negative feedback, if any, from people who visit or buy from me. But overall I'm both excited and nervous. This is a small accomplishment for me, the page represent that I'm trying to do something especially something I've never done before. I want people to like the stuff on there but I know not everyone will. Some will like what I offer but find the price high. So Yaad2Yard is official public now, I'm a business own once again. That phase was the easy part, the next phase and the next challenge is to make it profitable.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I’m slowly able to start listening to music again. A few weeks ago I played some classical music for the first time this year and earlier this evening I played some jazz music. Overall playing any kind of music make me sad and I definitely still have a hard listening to any R&B music. No matter where I am and I hear it I try to tone it out but I would always get depress by it. Crazy enough jazz and classical though I feel like I’m rediscovering music again if I play it too much like I would normally do with that kind of music I would then start to feel lonely. Its difficult doing through what I’m dealing with and one would think music would be something to help relax me but for the most part in only make the pain hurt more. Little by little I’m going to play more jazz and classical music, after those are my favorite genres beside R&B. But R&B is definitely off the menu until further notice, just can’ handle it. Its weird to actually go through the day purposely avoiding listening or playing any form or music. I suppose its one of those things that has changed with me….
Monday, May 16, 2011
My experience here in Jamaica is coming to an end, hopefully. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. As I sit and reflection on the journey I've made I'm tearful. It wasn't easy and still not easy as I'm writing this. I've gone through some very emotional experiences and to a large part still going through them. Me leaving Jamaica won't be the end of my tears but it will be the beginning of me understanding something that I've had to dwelt with very painfully; isolation. I'm learning very painfully to be alone both emotionally and physically, I'm learning very painful to enjoy my own company, to love only me. I'm once again learning detachment and voluntary isolation. What happened between her and I broke me, it nearly destroyed me. I don't know how or where I got the strength from but somehow, someway I made it through. I'll admit I'm not completely through it, I'm not over her; I'm very much in love with her. I would want nothing else but to return to the family I see in and with her but I know that won't happen. It is something I have to painfully expect and get through. As a combination of mostly that experience and being away from everything and those I hold dear I'm learning that it is nice again okay to be alone; physically and emotionally. In the past year I've detach myself for almost everyone I know. I think collectively both in Jamaica and in the U.S. I talk to about 20 people and if your referring to on a more personal level that number perhaps is reduce to less than half. Love and life painfully is teaching me that less is more, few is better and safer and love is pain. I wish things were different, I believe I was on a path a different path, a more loving, socialable and family oriented path with her and those I had back in LA. Now the path I'm on is void of that, void of most emotions, void of affection and interactions. I'm starting to feel great being alone, starting to feel comfortable not being around anyone. And as my love slowly and painfully fade away for Dee it is replaced with the understanding and acceptance that life is an isolated one. You were born alone, most of us live alone and we will all die alone. I still believe that humans are social creatures, we want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known and we want friends. But I now believe that won't be me, each time I try to be that person the experience end painfully usually with me in constant tears while those who I care for and even love move on happily as if I wasn't even a thought. That's a torturing experience to endure, the one you love loving someone else and as you sit there crying begging for another chance they treat your feelings as if it wasn't important enough to stop and understand that someone love them more than life itself. I don't want to feel and experience that anymore, I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore. I don't want to be betrayed by friends and love anymore so now the path I'm on is a lonely one. I understand and whether I accept this or not all the sign are clear as day so I'm learning once again, I'm learning to live an isolated life.