I’m beginning not to fear death, only fearing the when and what’s on the other side. Given the current position of my life death seem to be the only thing that makes any sense now, it’s the only thing for certain I know will happen. I’ve wanted to die before, I think everyone at some point has said these words, “I wish I was died.” Sometimes life put you in positions and give you challenges where the only way out is death. But I’ve never thought about, prayed for, wish for, cried for death like this before. I'm in so much pain, I'm weak, broken and sad. I'm seeing the world as a place that is painful for me, a place where I don't belong, a place where the longer I'm here, tthe more I interact with people the more I will get hurt. I feel, I am, alone in this world. I'm alone in my tears, my pain and my hurt so why not wish for death. Not like anyone would care or lose any sleep over it, the world will continue as if I was never here...
If my life were to end today what would that mean to others, would it even matter? The obvious answer is I would no longer be around. I wouldn’t be here to talk to and or interact with. But for some people in a sense it’s already like that, so would it really matter is if I was completely gone. There are those who naturally it will affect more deeply than others but again would it truly matter since I’ve been away from them for so long? My life is not the way I want or even hope it would be I feel like it’s a life wasted, without purpose, meaning, direction or importance and without my family; any family. I’ve heard over the years that, “Life is what you make of it” and I’ve also heard that, “God knows all and sees all; he’s the alpha and the omega.” If everything is already planned that mean I have no control over my life, my life was predetermine to be this way and I’m just playing out a script.
So what good is my part in this play? What purpose do I serve in this grand production? I’m not happy with the current state of my life, I have no control over it. It isn’t what I make of it because I can’t do what I would like, be where I would like, I can’t even return home to be with what little family I have remaining. Some would stay change the state of your life if you are not happy but if there’s no purpose or meaning to me, my life, my very existence how can or will I ever be happy? It would seem that this life, this play that I’m a part of is a painful one, a lonely one, a tragedy. I’m connected to a world where I seem to have no purpose in, I’m connected to people that I love but some doesn’t love me in return, connected to people I can’t be around in other words I’m being tortured; whether by God’s grant plan or self inflected. I feel only pain, there’s no joy in me, what is my life about?
So, the question repeat itself, would it even matter if my life were to end right now? I don’t think the sudden end to my life would matter much to anyone even those that still have a connection with me, but here’s the reality, whether it matters or not life still goes on. My death wouldn’t stop life from going on, in the grant scheme of life my passing would not change the play God has written out nor would it solve anything; well it would stop the pain I’m feeling and break my connection with this world and those in it. The truth therefore is it doesn’t matter if I’m dead or not the only difference is me directly; the pain and hurt I’m feeling will be gone.
I guess I just answered my own question, the play will go on with or without me yet at the same time I have no purpose in the play, there’s no joy or happiness written for me. The person I love I won’t be with, the place I call home I won’t see, the family I have I won’t be around and the things I want to accomplish will only be dreams that tortures me while away and asleep. The only thing my death will change is the dreams and pain will stop. Whether I take my own life now or wait on God, again, it doesn’t really matter. When a life has no purpose or meaning, no significant value the outcome of said life is meaningless and without value. For me death will be the first and only time in my life where I will finally be able to rest in peace and without pain.