Sunday, January 30, 2011


I’m beginning not to fear death, only fearing the when and what’s on the other side. Given the current position of my life death seem to be the only thing that makes any sense now, it’s the only thing for certain I know will happen. I’ve wanted to die before, I think everyone at some point has said these words, “I wish I was died.” Sometimes life put you in positions and give you challenges where the only way out is death. But I’ve never thought about, prayed for, wish for, cried for death like this before. I'm in so much pain, I'm weak, broken and sad. I'm seeing the world as a place that is painful for me, a place where I don't belong, a place where the longer I'm here, tthe more I interact with people the more I will get hurt. I feel, I am, alone in this world. I'm alone in my tears, my pain and my hurt so why not wish for death. Not like anyone would care or lose any sleep over it, the world will continue as if I was never here...

If my life were to end today what would that mean to others, would it even matter? The obvious answer is I would no longer be around. I wouldn’t be here to talk to and or interact with. But for some people in a sense it’s already like that, so would it really matter is if I was completely gone. There are those who naturally it will affect more deeply than others but again would it truly matter since I’ve been away from them for so long? My life is not the way I want or even hope it would be I feel like it’s a life wasted, without purpose, meaning, direction or importance and without my family; any family. I’ve heard over the years that, “Life is what you make of it” and I’ve also heard that, “God knows all and sees all; he’s the alpha and the omega.” If everything is already planned that mean I have no control over my life, my life was predetermine to be this way and I’m just playing out a script.

So what good is my part in this play? What purpose do I serve in this grand production? I’m not happy with the current state of my life, I have no control over it. It isn’t what I make of it because I can’t do what I would like, be where I would like, I can’t even return home to be with what little family I have remaining. Some would stay change the state of your life if you are not happy but if there’s no purpose or meaning to me, my life, my very existence how can or will I ever be happy? It would seem that this life, this play that I’m a part of is a painful one, a lonely one, a tragedy. I’m connected to a world where I seem to have no purpose in, I’m connected to people that I love but some doesn’t love me in return, connected to people I can’t be around in other words I’m being tortured; whether by God’s grant plan or self inflected. I feel only pain, there’s no joy in me, what is my life about?

So, the question repeat itself, would it even matter if my life were to end right now? I don’t think the sudden end to my life would matter much to anyone even those that still have a connection with me, but here’s the reality, whether it matters or not life still goes on. My death wouldn’t stop life from going on, in the grant scheme of life my passing would not change the play God has written out nor would it solve anything; well it would stop the pain I’m feeling and break my connection with this world and those in it. The truth therefore is it doesn’t matter if I’m dead or not the only difference is me directly; the pain and hurt I’m feeling will be gone.

I guess I just answered my own question, the play will go on with or without me yet at the same time I have no purpose in the play, there’s no joy or happiness written for me. The person I love I won’t be with, the place I call home I won’t see, the family I have I won’t be around and the things I want to accomplish will only be dreams that tortures me while away and asleep. The only thing my death will change is the dreams and pain will stop. Whether I take my own life now or wait on God, again, it doesn’t really matter. When a life has no purpose or meaning, no significant value the outcome of said life is meaningless and without value. For me death will be the first and only time in my life where I will finally be able to rest in peace and without pain.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fear of The Outside World

I find myself more and more afraid to go outside and be around people. It isn't that the location I'm at or going to is more physically dangerous than before but I feel more comfortable than before away from people. Today I went outside for a bit and I didn't feel right or at ease being outside and around anyone (not that I've felt totally at ease in Jamaica), I couldn't wait to return to the house and in the room. I feel more emotionally safe within the four walls I'm renting and now that her and I hardly speak I'm finding acceptance not talking to anyone for hours at a time or the entire day regardless of the venue of communication. I already stopped communicating with just about everyone from L.A. so not speaking to her as often anymore in a sense mean I don’t talk to anyone anymore from LA or here in Jamaica unless its necessary with the exception of my mom and sister. Where some people seek out others for social interaction and companionship I'm trying to avoid it, when some people get lonely if they aren't around anyone or speak to anyone it's the opposite for me. I was anti social for most of my life then during my experiences at Plei I become social, some went as far as calling me a social butterfly and "the life of the party" so to speak. But now I feel I'm surpassing the definition of that of anti social. I'm not sure what that term is call or the characteristic of such a person but I don't want to be around anyone anymore physically or emotionally nor do I want to communicate with anyone. Its like the movie, I Am Legend or Cast Away in the sense that I want to be alone in the world or at least avoid human interactions as much as possible; I feel safer and comfortable that way. The world has more people than ever before, 7 billion and counting. I'm trying to avoid interacting with those 7 billion, its less painful that way.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Family Coat of Arms

For several years I've wanted to create a family coat of arms; something that says and symbolize my family or the family I've created. I like the idea of a family or more specific my family being represented visually. Cities, states, countries and companies alike all have something visual that says this is us, this is what we stand for. That idea has grown more over the past maybe three years, I've toy with brainstorm ideas of what I want the coat of arms to look like. Today I finally put those idea down on paper. I went online research a bit, found COAs that best represent what I stand for and what I want my family to stand for. Ironically I'm creating a COA for a family with only one member, down from three in the sense that I'm the only one with my last night; how pathetic is that, I no longer have a family yet I'm creating something that represent a family (que violin music). But before I display the images and meaning behind the COA I'm working on I thought I would provide a bit of history behind the concept; perhaps it will inspire you to create your own for your family granted there are more than one member in your family.

A coat of arms is, strictly speaking, a distinctive heraldic design on a tunic used to cover and protect armour, but the term is more broadly applied to mean a full heraldic achievement which consists of a shield and certain accessories. In either sense, the design is a symbol unique to a person, family, corporation, or state. Such displays are also commonly called armorial bearings, armorial devices, heraldic devices, or arms.

Historically, armorial bearings were first used by feudal lords and knights in the mid-12th century on battlefields as a way to identify allied from enemy soldiers. As the uses for heraldic designs expanded, other social classes who never would march in battle began to assume arms for themselves. Initially, those closest to the lords and knights adopted arms, such as persons employed as squires that would be in common contact with the armorial devices. Then priests and other ecclesiastical dignities adopted coats of arms, usually to be used as seals and other such insignia, and then towns and cities to likewise seal and authenticate documents.

In the heraldic traditions of England and Scotland an individual, rather than a family, had a coat of arms. In those traditions coats of arms are legal property transmitted from father to son; wives and daughters could also bear arms modified to indicate their relation to the current holder of the arms. Undifferenced arms are used only by one person at any given time. Other descendants of the original bearer could bear the ancestral arms only with some difference: usually a color change or the addition of a distinguishing charge. One such charge is the label, which in British usage (outside the Royal Family) is now always the mark of an heir apparent or (in Scotland) an heir presumptive.

Because of their importance in identification, particularly in seals on legal documents, the use of arms was strictly regulated; few countries continue in this today. This has been carried out by heralds and the study of coats of arms is therefore called "heraldry". Some other traditions (e.g., Polish heraldry) are less restrictive — allowing, for example, all members of a dynastic house or family to use the same arms, although one or more elements may be reserved to the head of the house.

In time, the use of arms spread from military entities to educational institutes, and other establishments. According to a design institute article, "The modern logo and corporate livery have evolved from the battle standard and military uniform of medieval times". In the 21st century, coats of arms are still in use by a variety of institutions and individuals; for example, universities have guidelines on how their coats of arms may be used, and protect their use as trademarks. Many societies exist that also aid in the design and registration of personal arms, and some nations, like England and Scotland, still maintain to this day the mediaeval authorities that grant and regulate arms.

Now that you know what a COA is and the history behind it here is my early concept of what my COA will look like. Then I will explain the representation behind the COA

Coat of Arms

Explanation: In chosing my COA like I mention above, I want something that represent who I am and in extention the family I've created (in reality its just me). Everything about that COA represent something I strongly believe in and hold true to. When you see that COA its like the mission statement of a company, its says what I stand for, believe in and its what make me who I am. I'm changing, obviously, the COA around to suite who I am, colors symbols etc. so the explanation below will not match the sample photo above. I also didn't go into detail about the colors I'm chosing simply because for the blog it doesn't serve much purpose, but, I hope you can still visualize what I'm trying to create.

Meaning & Symbols: The rays behind the dove and top banner represent the sun and may it always shine over the family. The dove represents peace within the family. The crown atop the helmet symbolizes the grace and dignity that’s within the family and say, no matter where we go or what circumstance that lay in front of us we will always as a family and individuals of the family carry ourselves above the rest. Our family believe in being there for each other during good times and bad times, we are each other’s keeper, we are hard head, stubborn, we are committed and loyal to each other.

The helmet depict that commitment and the key on the helmet symbolize that our commitment is the key to our family strength. On the shield the picture of chains represents teamwork and strength; we as a family are only as strong as our weakest link. So the family must and will always work together to improve on our individual and collective strengths but also work equally hard to turn our weakness into strengths. Ying and Yang symbolize balance and without balance the family will be in chaos. It is that balance that will keep our family as one, that balance that the foundation of the family rest on.

The praying hands symbolize faith and trust in each other, the only way we will survive as a family is if we support and believe in each other. Each family member is responsible for doing his or her part to ensure the family is a strong and supportive one and each of us is equally responsible in watching and taking care of other. The lions represent the mother and father and they are the one in charge of the overall guidance, direction and protection of the family. The lions were chosen because lions work as teams, they symbolize strength, royalty (as depicted by the crown on their head) and leadership.

The rope around each lion ties and bond the family to each other and the values the family believe in and live by; we are a family of one. Each lion has a set of wings that represent the mother and father always lifting up the family, taking the family to new heights whether its in the commitment and values of the family or the direction the family is going. The wings on the lions as well as the wings of the dove also represent although in less significant value aviation and say at least one member in the family is a pilot or a part of the aviation community.

The quote “Le chéile ag gach duine a bhaint amach níos” on the bottom banner which is in Irish translate to “Together Everyone Achieve More” is the bedrock foundation of the Barnes family (Barnes is a Irish, Scottish and English name that derive from the word barn and so is the reason why the motto is in Irish). We are a family that work together in all manner of life. We believe that we are and act like a team, a team that love and support each other. A team that when times are difficult we bond tighter together like a Chinese finger trap and become unbreakable. The Barnes family is a family that is many working as one.

Coat of Arm Flag: In addition to creating the COA I decide to create a flag to go with it. Below is a rough idea of what that flag will look like.

Family Flag

So there you have it, my one member family COA and flag, a visual represtation of who I am and what I stand for. The final product is months if not about a year away from completing, but its a nice and fun hobby. Afterall this is who I am and it won't be rush. BTW, this isn't the project I'm working on that I told you about in another blog, that project is still under wrap.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Struggle 2 Survive

Each day I wake up and wonder why I'm still here, how is it possible that I made it to see another day. I'm struggle minute by minute each day both physically and mentally. I'm struggling to hold on to faith I will return home, to LA, soon and once again see my family. Each day it's a battle to continue believing in life, to find some meaning to my life and to the world. I desperately want to return home yet at the same time I also pray for death; how is that possible to ask for two contradicting things. I'm losing faith, losing hoping while I wake each day and see that new day I'm sadden that God has given me strength and breath to witness his wonders while still trap in my prison call Jamaica. It's a physical and mental struggle to see the light in this dark tunnel I'm in, to believe that the light will appear and I will see my mom and sister again. I'm losing the best part of me; my will to press on and not give up, I can feel myself dying on the inside. I want to go home so badly yet I'm lacking the strength, faith and will to endure this experience so that I can make it home. How much longer do I have to go through this, how much longer do I have to be in pain? I've lost so much since being here I wonder why God don't finish the job and take my life.

I wake up each day and understand that this day will be another battle, a battle to hold on to hope and faith, hold on to what little emotional strength I have. I wake up sad and depress wondering when will it be over, when will the pain and tears stop, when will I be able to go home but every day is like the last so I ask God to end it for me since I lack the strength and courage to do it myself. I'm fighting within myself each day for my survival. I no longer see beautiful and joy in life, I no longer see reason or meaning for social interactions, my outlook on life is grim and the things that would be my light in this tunnel; returning home and seeing my family I can't embrace. The love of my life is with another, away from home in a place I strongly dislike and away from my family I struggle to understand how this can be part of God's plan for a better life for me. All I feel is pain, emptiness, sadness and depression. How much longer can I or must I endure this, how much longer will I have to go away from home and my family? Where do I find strength, hope and meaning to all of this madness. I'm trying my best to believe that soon I will leave this place and see my sister but with each day that I'm here my hope and faith is one step closer to fading away. I see no purpose or meaning to my life anymore, I've stop living months again and I'm barely surviving. All I want to do is go home and see my sister but I'm not sure if God will grant me that. He has taken me away from my home and taken away everyone dare to my heart, I don't understand why he doesn't take my life and end the pain I'm in. I'm fighting to hold on but I'm not sure how much strength I have in me, all I want to do is go home… The struggle to survive continue but I'm not sure for how long!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Someone's Regret

Throughout my life with the women that I’ve encountered I’ve wish things were different with them and I. Wish I would have did things differently or not done certain things. But the stories all seem to be the same; I’m the one that misses them, I’m the one that don’t want to live my life without them and I’m the one that regret how things turned out. It’s a torturing feeling, you feel like you’re the problem, like you’re the one that did something wrong and what’s worst you’re the one left in tears and broken heart. But for once, I would like to be the one someone can’t live without. For once I want to be the one someone feel they have to have in their life and would do anything to have back. I want to be someone’s regret, that person she look at and realize she made a mistake letting go or not fighting to hold on to. I want to be that person that she can't get out of her head, she constantly dream of, that person that she feel so deeply for that life isn't worth living without. I’m left feeling empty, broken, rejected and alone because there’s someone I don’t want to live without someone I love with all my heart but can’t be with. For once I want to know what it feel like to have someone beg for me and cry over me, to tell me she's madly in love with me, for once I want someone to feel for me what I’m feeling right now for her.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Endless Sleep

I wonder why God allow me to wake up this morning. Why does he want me to see another day, I see no point in me taking up valuable space on this planet or any other planet, using precious air that can go to someone more deserving. There’s no life in me, no energy to want to live. I’m existing in this world, not living. If only I have to strength to remove myself from this world, remove myself and be done with it. Why do I wake up each moving, why must I endure another day, minute, second in this world. This feels like I dream yet I’m wake awake, I can’t escape or change what’s going on. I’m force to watch my life dissolve before my eyes…. Starting to get another headache, I wish I was dead, I want all of this to be over with.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Paradox of Love

I’m emotionally out of it. Emotionally I’ve check out. The only emotions I seem to have now is anger and sadness, beyond that I’m numb. Once more I’m having restless nights, having these weird dreams and dreaming constantly about her. My mind, body, heart and soul is in turmoil. Its like being in a barrel while its rolling down the side of a hill, nothing make sense. I can’t even focus on part of the project I've committed myself to completing the story; my thoughts of her, tears and anger over the situation has me exsiting instead of living. Lately, again, I’ve cried myself to sleep, that’s the only way I’ve been able to get any rest, if you want to call it that, pass a few hours. I don’t think I’ve gone a night since the year started without dreaming about her in some way.

Is this the love that so many people want to be in? Am I the only person who sees it for the pain that it is and want nothing to do with it? Love is an evil paradox; when things are good you feel alive, on top of the world, like you can do anything. You feel great and okay with the world, your high on life. But when things are bad, it suck the life out of you. It bring you down faster than gravity. The pain and hurt you feel is enough to make you want to take your life, it destroys you for the inside out. Love is one fuck up paradox which I’m at the bad end of.

Last night in the mist of my tears I went inside the bathroom, cried there for a few minutes then reach for the bottle of Advil… Well, leave it to me to be technical about things; the bottle said expired 12/10 so I assumed they are no longer affective. My life is a sad Italian romance with American drama. All that remain is the tragic end cause by hopelessness. Going to see if I can force myself back to sleep.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sick... Physical?... Emotional?... Both

Being sick is never a happy feeling regardless of what form of sickness it is. Dealing with one form is bad enough but when its both emotional and physical the feeling can't be properly explained. For going on two weeks now I've been under the weather really badly; flu and bacteria like symptons. Physically its has really knocked me off my feet. Before my body took ill there's my other sickness, the emotional one of the heart. The feeling of being emotionally weak, sad, depress and the list goes on. I'm bearly holding it together emotionally but now my body too is under attack from this unknown source. I feel like my body is breaking down and its hard to tell if its because of my broken heart and state of me or because I'm phycially ill.

I don't have the physical strength nor the emotionally one to properly aid myself in this struggle. My back is killing me, head hurt, coughing like crazy and feeling weak. When I'm not doing that I'm crying, still feeling weak and depress. My entire body is a wreck and there's no to my aid. I'm physically and emotionally under the weather, what a way to end one year and start an other. But I'm trying to accept the now that I'm in, it is what it is.

Friday, January 7, 2011


2010 is over, a new year has began. As I look back on 2010 a lot has happen, I’ve grown, I’ve learn, I’m still learning and I’m understanding. So much has happened in ways I’m still trying to understand and make sense of. Going into 2011, I’m broken, damaged, in pain and alone but I’m wiser. I’m beginning to see the world and people a lot differently and I’m becoming more cynical towards people, the world and life. Things aren’t what they appear to be, people aren’t who they say they are and when shit hit the fan the only person you can count on is YOU. 2010 perhaps by far was the most emotional and difficult year for me, I still away from my home and I’ve had to watch helpless as the one I love abandon me when I need her the most. Emotionally she was nowhere to be found. As I reached out to her for strength, comfort, support, love she pulled away, seeking comfort in the arms of others. When the going got tough, she left.

Its eating me up inside as I try to come to terms to the new reality that I’m in; tears still flow from my eyes, heart shattered and numb to the world. I now understand that pain is my comfort. I often steer aimlessly in space, in a daze and would start crying knowing how much pain I’m in, how much it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you. Looking back on 2010 I understand that life’s only purpose is to end and going into and starting 2011 I’ve asked for my life to end, I no longer fear death or is delusional like so many others who feel death isn’t constantly upon them. Unlike others, I see no purpose to my life and I welcome death to free me of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I’ve lost love and important people in 2010; my father figured past away in early December and I wasn’t able to pay my final respect, I feel I owe him that much for all that he has done for me and it burn me inside to know I’m unable to do so.

I hear people say they are living life or that I’m living or should live life, I now feel that’s bullshit. Life is an illusion of death, the reality is each moment, second, minute, hour and day we are “living” the reality is we draw one step closer to our death. The only time we were truly alive was the moment of our birth, after that we started the journey of our death. We are dead men and women walking and the illusion we give ourselves is what we do between the moment we are born and the moment we die actually matter and make a difference. It doesn’t matter what we do, we are all going to die. All we do is hurt each other with our actions and lies. As much as I am in pain right now once I die it won’t matter, the pain will go away and my life just as the lives of countless before me and countless after me won’t matter to the universe or God. My life and the life of everyone in this world is meaningless; pain and a broken heart in 2010 taught me that.

Realizing that God doesn’t answer prayers; logically he can’t answer everyone's prayers, its impossible nor does he really care is what I learned in 2010. God is a spectator and we are the game he’s watching for entertainment. Now I understand, the shit we care about, the people we care love, all of it doesn’t matter. We care for people when it fit our benefit, we love people because we are selfish and want to be love in return. We love ONLY when it benefit our needs and is easy, once it become hard we turn and run. Life is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now, love is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now. The only thing that seems to make sense now in my world is pain and death. I’m in pain but I understand and I realize why, all that remain is death to free me from this illusion.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Trying Different Things

So far the year started the same way it ended; tears and emotional pain. But I'm trying for the new year something I've thought about doing but never really given it much enegry until now. I'm being tight lip about it, doesn't ask me why but I'm not completely ready to share it with those who aren't helping me with the project plus I don't want anyone taking my idea.

I'm stepping outside my box a bit, trying things I've never done before. Its difficult working on this project simply because I'm doing something I don't like to do nor have any experience at it. But something inside me is telling me I should bring it to life so that's what I'm going to try to do. Whether its successful or not isn't the issue but if it does see the light of day I will be extremely proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.