Thursday, September 23, 2010


I’ve had restless nights for the past several nights. All I do now is cry, pray and write poems. I feel like I’m trapped in pain and helpless to do anything about it. Last night all I did was cry and pray; just talked to God as the tears run down my face. When I wasn’t doing that I would write a poem or try to do something; watch a movie, surf the web, etc. Nothing seem to work. I can feel my body so consumed in pain I feel numb. I socked the wall several times and felt no pain or minimal pain. At one point it felt like I was having a panic attack. I feel abandon, no longer important to her. We hardly even talk, my calls go unanswered and not returned. My instant messages go un-replied. I’m not important enough anymore to want to talk to me every chance she get like she use to a few weeks ago, now she’s dating someone so Raheem gets thrown on the back burner. All I get now is a “morning” instant message and that’s it for the whole day. The person she cared so much about, the person that was so important to her, now that she’s seeing someone its as if I’m nobody. I’ve been abandon and there’s nothing I can do about it but cry and write pathetic ass poems. Is this what people mean when they say love hurt? Cause I’m in a lot of pain right now. Even though I’m hurting from other things that’s going on in my life this right here is by far the most painful and is effecting me the most. All I do now is cry and try to find comfort in my tears…

Friday, September 17, 2010

Recurring Dream

For the past couple of night I keep having a recurring dream. It’s been so intense it has woke me up out of myself. I’m slowly getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep at night. The dream is where I’m running from a huge dragon, running all over the city trying to get somewhere. I feel if I can get to that location I would be safe from this dragon. I’m constantly running and hiding, even asking others for help but no matter where I go, how well I’m hidden the dragon always finds me. It’s like it know what I’m going to do before or as I do it. And it’s very aggressive dragon although when it finds me it couldn’t capture me; like a cat and mouse chase and the mouse is me.

For two nights in a row I’ve had this dream and I can’t make any sense of it all. I’m here trying to figure out the meaning behind the dream and others I’ve always had during the night. I know my dream i.e. my mind is trying to tell me something or figure something out but I have no idea what that is. Overall I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks but this dream in particular is adding stress during a time when I should be relaxing from all the shit that I’m dealing with while awake. It’s bad enough I’m not at peace while awake and a few while I’m asleep. Now it seems I’m not getting any at all. I can’t figure out what my subconscious part of my brain is telling me or want me to figure out and I’m losing sleep as a result, actually I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve been in a constant state of depression for over a year now but with this dream its worst and I’m getting worried, it’s freaking me out a bit.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Emotionally Alone

It feels as if I'm the only one left in the world. Yet at the same time it feels as if with so many people around I have no one to talk to. She and I have hardly spoken in the past few days; she's busy doing whatever she's doing, being interested in other guys. People who I once consider friends I feel I can't trust of communicate with anymore. I'm emotionally alone, for the past five years things were the complete opposite especially in the past three. Now I'm once again at a place where I've been before but hoped I wouldn't return, but I'm here, here again. My emotionally state of mind is parallel with my physical; no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one I feel is there for me anymore. Just isolation emotionally and physically it would seem.

It’s a re-adjustment once again. Going back to a time when I had no one, I communicate with no one, just like now back them because of circumstance in life I was alone is all sense of the world. Just as with then, now I feel it’s just me, left with my feelings for someone I can't share towards, feelings and now believing I have no one in my corner, feeling as if there's a impossible mountain in front of me that I must climb and feeling just cut off from the world.

I'm trying to accept things as they are right now, trying to suppress my feelings for her, put her out of my mind, fight the urge to want to talk to her because it’s clear she doesn't want to talk to me nor am I on her mind. I have to learn to only communicate with myself, once again find joy in this isolation, and find happiness knowing I'm not happy. Just like before I have to realize and understand I have no friends, I seem to be place on this earth to be alone, to not find joy in the simple things in life, human interaction. I'm going to an extremely emotional and difficult moment in my life and one thing for sure is certain, I'm in it by myself and when I emerge for this experience I will continue to be by myself.