Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I’m angry and that anger is growing slowly in me. I’ve snapped at several people in the past few weeks to no faults of their own. Oddly and ironically I’ve also been more polite as I walk around Montego Bay. I find myself saying excuse me and thank you more than I normally do, which was rarely. But despite being polite on the outside I’m in rage and in pain on the inside. Now that some individuals know of my return they are expecting things to return the way they were. [____] feel and want me to return to [____] and continue as if I never left or it would be uncomfortable at [____] with [____] there or knowing that there are those that knew of the guys she dated or still dating during my absents. I’m suppose to ignore and pretend I don’t know there are those who have turned out to be more of an enemy than my friends, I’m suppose to return and act as if I never left. [____] and a comment she made a few days ago sum up how she think, expect or in her words, “I was just watching a couple of [____] videos with you narrating. I can't wait until you get back so we can have more of your silly narrations!” She feels things are going to return to the way they where, we can go back to having fun like nothing has happened. FUCK!! No one has any idea what I’ve gone through these past two year and for [____] to expect things to be all smiles when I return show her ignorance and lack of situational awareness. I can’t and won’t put myself in that situation again, it was painful with other women and it is painful now with [____] and I won’t continue to put myself through it anymore. I’m tired of this pain and if [____] and I can’t find a way to get pass this and be a family again then I’m not going to be around her in anyway and that include not going to [____]. I’ve been alone for two years, I’ve spent my entire life alone in one form or another. If that’s how I have to leave the rest of my life, alone, then so be it.
No one fucking understands the shit I went through and is going through. [____], the one person who I thought would be there and understand abandon me…… FUCK! FUCK! This shit is bullshit FUCK EVERYONE! I’m not fucking with anybody once I return fuck them. If nothing else since I’ve been here I’ve learned that people are full of shit and even those that help you and has been there for you, you can’t and shouldn’t rely and depend on no one. Its just a matter of time when things are at their worst they will abandon you and leave you hanging.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I'm taking things step by step. I assumed that my readjustment would begin once I return to L.A. but I'm finding out that process has already began. I've changed since I've been here with all that I've gone through. And within the past two weeks more changes have accured. With what has happened since I've been here and what I'm undertaking now my world has litterally turned upside down and I'm force to adjust whether I want to or not. But these changes that has happened within the past two weekend and one that happened last November is the kind of change I'm proud of and look forward to see the fruits of my labor. Soon, I hope to add certain titles to my name. Titles that I've either only dreamed about or never thought in my wildest dream would happen.
I'm taking things step by step like I said, well I've always been like that since I've been here. There are those who are extremely happy hearing the news of my return. Those who want things to return to the way they were or return to the way THEY want them to, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I still haven't jumped for joy of the news. My heart was racing when the lady told me over the phone I was approved to return and I've extremely grateful and happy on the inside but it still hasn't sunk in and visually I haven't been able to express that joy. Maybe with all that I've gone through I've become numb to the feeling of joy and excitement. I understand the magnitude of the news and what it mean but it hasn't fully hit me as yet that soon I will be heading home. Perhaps because my return is still a ways away or maybe its because of the kind of L.A. I will return to that is without the one I love, the family I want to return to or the friends I thought I had. I'm not sure what the reason is but there are those who know of my return who is more excited than I am at the moment.
But today was a beautiful day the kind of day combined with the weather, it being quite and calm and me being relaxed, that I haven't had in an extremely long time.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"Joyeux Anniversaire!!! I'm so happy to see that God has blessed you with another year. I miss you much and hope that you come home soon. I hope this message made you smile. I and I'm pretty sure many others haven't forgotten our wonderful [friend]. LOVE YOU BUNCHES."
Happy Birthday!!! We all miss you DEARLY!!! It's just not the same without you. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you come home soon. Until then, I hope that you are in good spirits! Hopefully all of the bday wishes make you feel a little better. So do me a favor, crack a smile for me!!!!!"
"Happy birthday :) warm hugs from your friends on the west coast. Miss you and hope you enjoy your birthday."
"Hey Rah ……. This is your friend Tasha from Facebook …word is going around today is a special day …….. please enjoy and know that tons of people are here missing you and Wishing you a Happy Birthday ….. I will have a drink for you!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but i wanted to say happy birthday bro. I miss you and hope to have you back home. I love you bro (no homo lol).Take care of yourself and know that you have some family out here who loves you."
That's basically the general theme of all the emails. Oh, the last one was from someone who turns out to be really foul and disrespectful to me and someone I care about. Perhaps it's because of the emotional state I'm in or maybe I don't care anymore but when I received all the emails I had no desire to reply to them and I still don't. I'm purposely isolating myself from "my friends" and associates. I don't trust them or anyone for that matter. Though some of them by all accounts have truly been a good or great friend to me; sometimes the innocent have to pay for the guilty. Normally I would be happy that so many people still care about me and miss me but so what. As I'm writing this now I'm getting upset thinking about it, I think its because I don't believe them or I'm in so much people because not only of the situation I'm in but also what a few of them did and I can't stand to be around anyone or in contact with anyone. I feel betrayed by those same people who call themselves my friend, yeah, betrayed is the best way I can describe it. So their outreach instead of making me feel all warm and toasty on the inside actually upset me. I'm getting more upset as I continue to write this so let me stop…
As for what I did to celebrate my twenty ninth birthday I didn't do anything whether before during or after. Sunday, I did go to a beach party I heard people around the area talking about. Its something that goes on every Sunday at a beach that was re-opened. I'm mentioning the party because originally I didn't want to go especially since I had to pay to go on the beach but I said, "Fuck it!" I didn't have shit that day that day and I'm suppose to be enjoy my so-called birthday so I went it. I ended up winning two of the games there and won two bottle of liquor, I don't drink by the way. Later that evening this young lady introduce herself to me, she said she came over because she saw that I was standing there alone. After talking to her I found out it was her birthday. I gave her one of the bottles as a birthday gift. The day was fun because I won the games, man I'm competitive lol. On my birthday I spent most of the day drained and even more stressed. Arguing on the phone with my mom about things that's going on with my sister, feeling sick the whole day. All I wanted to do was crawl in a whole somewhere and erase my whole existence. That night I went walking downtown Montego Bay but there wasn't shit to do, this place is boring as fuck. So I went back to the house and opened the bottle I won in hopes of getting drunk and drink the day and my horrible feelings away but after two sips once again I couldn't do it. I really hate the taste of alcohol. I don't see how people can drink. So that's my birthday experience in a nut shell. People made a bigger deal about my birthday than I did which at this point I really don't give a fuck about.