Saturday, February 26, 2011

Jamaica vs USA Soccer Match

Yesterday I went to my first football (soccer) match between U.S.A and Jamaica. It was the semi finals in a tournament for boys under 17yrs old. The tournament itself was a big deal but this particular match carried more weight; Jamaica had made it to the semi finals, they were going against the U.S. and on top of that the game was played on Jamaica Day, the day different from the country's Independence Day and you wear Jamaica colors and stuff. The people that I knew out there said they were going to go, they wanted to see Jamaica defeat the U.S., I figured I'll go, I had nothing else to do and I felt a bit of American pride and wanted to support the U.S. That has been something that has grown deeper within me since being here. Through Jamaica is my birthplace I don't consider myself Jamaican in the sense of "love of country" nor do I consider it home. I'm Americanize, I consider the U.S. my home and it is where my heart lies. Since being here I've had to defend against those in argument who want to trash the news. Most of the time not by choice, people hear my accent, presume I'm American and would direct their argument or dislike against the U.S. towards me in the form of "Your country" or "The place where you love some much" and so on. Since I feel more connected to the U.S. than Jamaica the match gave me a reason to relax a bit, enjoy something and cheer for the home team, my home team.

By the time we got to the match it already started, typical black folks and their CP time. I had no idea the volume of people that would be at the match. The ticket booth was swamped with people trying to buy last minute tickets including us. There wasn't any order to the process and everyone rushed to the window in hopes of getting a ticket. But they were sold out. People ran to various entry gate trying to see if they could get in, some wanted them to take their money and let them in without getting a ticket and others wanted to and indeed starting jumping the fence. It was a bit chaotic. It was clear that the organizers wasn't prepared from the volume that showed up nor did they have enough tickets the sell. Some people that couldn't get in stood on a fire truck to see the match, others were calling whoever they can to find out if they have an extra ticket or where they could get one. It was an event and this was a match against high school age boys that's what made it more amazing to watch. We were finally able to get some tickets which by the way wasn't tickets for that particular match. They were old tickets from 2008 when Jamaica played another team, event the location of where the ticket said was wrong. By this time it was half time of the game, I quickly found out that getting the ticket was the easy part, actually getting in was a challenge of itself.

When we got to the entry gate the best way to describe it was chaos, people were packed against the gate wanting to get in and the police on the other side literally were pushing against it trying to stop them. At one point they stop letting anyone through, bad move. The crowd went in a rage, you heard all kind of profanity and people complaining how they have their ticket and want to get in etc, etc. One of the guy I went with I followed him in the crowd and got caught in the mist of the chaos but with his determination he was able to get through the gate before they closed it. After minutes of arguing with people and trying to figure out how to handle the flood of people trying to get in the police reopen the gate, I manage to squeeze my way inside. I didn't go through all of that and was so close to getting in to not make it.

When we got in the second half already started and when we reach the bleachers we saw it was completely full. There was nowhere to stand let alone sit and hardly anywhere to walk, standing room only. But at least we were inside. The stadium was beautiful, very open and I was told it was recently built. The level of noise and cheering that took place I admit was beautiful, typical of what you see on TV when a soccer match is on. The bleachers literally were shaking from people stomping the floor and having a good time. It was hard to believe this wasn't a professional match but a match for minors. The U.S. already scored one goal in the first half but people were still supportive of Jamaica and with every touch of the ball, every goal attempt, every push into the U.S. side of the field they cheered. At this point I didn't want to verbally cheer for the U.S. around so many die hard Jamaicans especially with Jamaica down 2-0 and there's nowhere to run in the event I needed a quick exist but those I was with knew who I was going for.

Jamaica did lose by 2-0 but it was a great turn out. There was nothing but yellow, green and black colors and the support they showed up until the last minute was heart warming. Given the match was between minor I felt most of the people should have stayed to the very end to showed their continued support and encourage the kids win or lose. But overall I'm glad I went and took the experience in and saw first hand the love of football Jamaica has. It was chaotic, exciting and beautiful wrapped into one. Not the mention my home team won…. lol

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Rage is Growing

I often find myself sad when I see little kids especially little girls. Sad because I can’t help think about [____] and how much I miss her and want to return to be a part of her life as her father once again. But I know that won’t happen, there’s another man [____] has placed in her life. I turn my head when I see guys with what I presume to be their daughters because I can’t bare the sight. I miss my family so much and now that I’m able to return I just want to go back home to them. There’s a little girl I see often that’s around the same age as [____] when I left L.A., her and [____] could be sisters. It breaks my heart to look at her but I can’t take my eyes off her. I captivated by how she look so much like her and I remember painfully what I had and lost. The pain of not going back to that family add to the overall rage I’ve been feeling more and more as of late.

I’m angry and that anger is growing slowly in me. I’ve snapped at several people in the past few weeks to no faults of their own. Oddly and ironically I’ve also been more polite as I walk around Montego Bay. I find myself saying excuse me and thank you more than I normally do, which was rarely. But despite being polite on the outside I’m in rage and in pain on the inside. Now that some individuals know of my return they are expecting things to return the way they were. [____] feel and want me to return to [____] and continue as if I never left or it would be uncomfortable at [____] with [____] there or knowing that there are those that knew of the guys she dated or still dating during my absents. I’m suppose to ignore and pretend I don’t know there are those who have turned out to be more of an enemy than my friends, I’m suppose to return and act as if I never left. [____] and a comment she made a few days ago sum up how she think, expect or in her words, “I was just watching a couple of [____] videos with you narrating. I can't wait until you get back so we can have more of your silly narrations!” She feels things are going to return to the way they where, we can go back to having fun like nothing has happened. FUCK!! No one has any idea what I’ve gone through these past two year and for [____] to expect things to be all smiles when I return show her ignorance and lack of situational awareness. I can’t and won’t put myself in that situation again, it was painful with other women and it is painful now with [____] and I won’t continue to put myself through it anymore. I’m tired of this pain and if [____] and I can’t find a way to get pass this and be a family again then I’m not going to be around her in anyway and that include not going to [____]. I’ve been alone for two years, I’ve spent my entire life alone in one form or another. If that’s how I have to leave the rest of my life, alone, then so be it.

No one fucking understands the shit I went through and is going through. [____], the one person who I thought would be there and understand abandon me…… FUCK! FUCK! This shit is bullshit FUCK EVERYONE! I’m not fucking with anybody once I return fuck them. If nothing else since I’ve been here I’ve learned that people are full of shit and even those that help you and has been there for you, you can’t and shouldn’t rely and depend on no one. Its just a matter of time when things are at their worst they will abandon you and leave you hanging.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Step by Step

Today was a relaxed day, it was very beautiful day though I enjoyed it from inside the room. I spent the day sleeping and working on one of the projects I have going on. I'm still amazed at the turn around since I recieve the news that I will be allowed to return home. A few things have began to change, change in ways I wasn't expecting and in ways I never dreamed. Its hard to explain I'm amazed, proud of myself and in a state of shock and disbelief. I'm going into areas I've either never ventured before or never ventured this deeply. I don't know what to make of it or how to explain and seeing that I'm being tight lipped about it, its more difficult to explain without revealing what I'm doing and what's going on.

I'm taking things step by step. I assumed that my readjustment would begin once I return to L.A. but I'm finding out that process has already began. I've changed since I've been here with all that I've gone through. And within the past two weeks more changes have accured. With what has happened since I've been here and what I'm undertaking now my world has litterally turned upside down and I'm force to adjust whether I want to or not. But these changes that has happened within the past two weekend and one that happened last November is the kind of change I'm proud of and look forward to see the fruits of my labor. Soon, I hope to add certain titles to my name. Titles that I've either only dreamed about or never thought in my wildest dream would happen.

I'm taking things step by step like I said, well I've always been like that since I've been here. There are those who are extremely happy hearing the news of my return. Those who want things to return to the way they were or return to the way THEY want them to, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I still haven't jumped for joy of the news. My heart was racing when the lady told me over the phone I was approved to return and I've extremely grateful and happy on the inside but it still hasn't sunk in and visually I haven't been able to express that joy. Maybe with all that I've gone through I've become numb to the feeling of joy and excitement. I understand the magnitude of the news and what it mean but it hasn't fully hit me as yet that soon I will be heading home. Perhaps because my return is still a ways away or maybe its because of the kind of L.A. I will return to that is without the one I love, the family I want to return to or the friends I thought I had. I'm not sure what the reason is but there are those who know of my return who is more excited than I am at the moment.

But today was a beautiful day the kind of day combined with the weather, it being quite and calm and me being relaxed, that I haven't had in an extremely long time.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Return

The past several days has been a change from the normal routine of the past almost two years. I receive word from the embassy that I’m approved to return to the U.S. In that one moment my life is suddenly changed. No more will I be in limbo, not knowing if I’ll be here permanently or when I can return. Now I know, I know that I can go home soon. I can begin the plan the life I want and plan how I will achieve the objectives I’ve set for myself. In that one moment, that one conversation on the phone I felt I was given a second chance at life. Those who know of my return are overjoyed with the exception of her, the most reaction I receive from her was, “Cool… you’ll return just in time for some fun in the sun.” We haven’t even spoke on the phone about it or her express her excitement. She was the one person I thought would be the happiest, but she’s the person that expressed the lease joy. The reality is the close I get to going home and once I get home it will be the beginning of the end for Dee and I, something I never wanted. I’m happy I can go home but it hasn’t sunk in as yet. Deep down I know I’m excited, this is something I’ve waited for and wanted for almost two years now to return home and be back in the place I call home. Now that I’m returning things have changed and is beginning to change. My mood is a bit lighter, I still get depress largely thinking about Dee and knowing that I will be alone once I return and also depress that I still have awhile here. I can and will endure but I’m itching to return. It has been so long, almost two years. So much has change in ways I never dreamed or wanted. It has been a very difficult journey and learning experience for me, I’ve shed countless tears and this experience in many ways have broken and put me on my knees. But at the same time I am a stronger and I hope a better person because of it. I have a lot of emotional healing to do and readjusting to make but its another journey in life that I must take whether I want to or not, but the good news is I get to go home. There’s no doubt that as the day and hour draw near my excitement will build to the point where I won’t be able to contain myself and I know once I touchdown on American soil especially Los Angeles and see my mom and sister I will cry. After two years I will finally get to go home…

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Illusion of Separation

One of the biggest deception we tell ourselves and others is we are separate from each other. The world operates on the notion we aren't connected to everything and everyone. I understand and maybe I'm one of the few people on this planet that understand we aren't separate from anything and anyone. We are all connection, those we care about and love that connection is strongest but we are connected none the less to the world. But when you're the only one that understand and realize that connection it can become a very painful experience. I'm in tremendous pain right now because I'm separated from the greatest connection I've ever experience. I'm in tremendous pain right now because I'm the only one that see that connection, I'm the only one where that connection is strong. I'm connected to someone who doesn't want to be connected to me. I'm connected to a family; sister, mother, wife, and daughter that I can't reunite with and its painful so painful my physical being can't endure the physical distance well as the emotional one. We are all connected some stronger than others but we are all connected. For the first time in my life I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone and for the first time in my life I've never wanted to break that connection like I want to now. My connection to this world, my connection to certain individuals is too painful. We were created too perfectly for us to fully handle and I'm here to say I can't handle this connection. I don't want to be connected anymore. I want to be like everyone and believe we are separate from each other. I don't want to be the wiser who know, understand and feel this connection. I cry day and night because I'm so connected, I'm crying now because all I want to do is return to be next to my connections next to the one and the ones I love. I would do anything just to have the one I feel the most connected to feel the same about me. For the first time I'm trying to break that connection with this world, with everyone in it simply because its too painful. I don't want to be in pain anymore, I don't want to be the one crying and feeling empty, alone, scared and sad. I don't want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I want to detach and unplug from everything, let me be like everyone and believe that we are separate so that I no longer will be in pain. Or better yet, take my heart away so there's no emotions for anything. I want to be detach, please break this connection, my heart can't take it anymore.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Changed Behavior

I’ve notice lately my attitude and behavior has or is changing. I don’t look at things the same way I use to, I notice that early last fall but it became more apparent recently. But now I’m seeing that my behavior towards people and the world has also changed, a bit of the person I was last summer is gone. I’m more cynical, more blunt and honest. Whereas I would see the glass as half full, though in reality its completely full with whatever liquid that’s in it and air, I now see the glass and is; just the glass, yeah I know its hard to grasp. I’m losing a part of my sympathy towards people and life. I’m grumpier now, I don’t care about certain things as much as I use to. I feel like what little compassion I had for people in general I’m losing it and that compassion is now only focus on certain individual that I care about. I’ve even though about dropping the quote I try to mold my life by, “Together Everyone Achieve More.” There’s a growing part of me that is starting not to believe that or at least starting to believe that quote doesn’t hold true for everyone and everything. Its weird because I feel like I’m a cynic, a realist, and a pessimist wrap in one. Simply put its like I don’t give a fuck anymore about the world just want to return home. I haven’t even replied to the birthday email I receive and I don’t think I’m going to reply to any of them, why should I? I honestly don’t believe their words are sincere and if they are who care, their words won’t change anything or how I’m feeling. I no longer want to be the change I wish to see in this world (another quote I live my life off). It is too painful and in the end I’m the one that end up with tears and alone. So “FUCK THE WORLD!” Whether or not the change in my attitude and behavior is a good or bad thing I don’t care, it is what it is.

Birthday Wishes

Two days after my birthday I'm still receiving birthday wishes email. For the past three days I've gotten a lot of those email from "my friends." They all say nice things; how they miss and love me, how they haven't forgotten me, things aren't the same without me and how much they look forward to seeing me again soon, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure if anyone else received the amount of emails I received it would make them smile and feel they have friends who love and care for them. Given what I'm going through and how I general feel about people and especially those that Dee and I mutually know the gesture didn't more me. If anything I was a bit annoyed and upset especially since she gave my email address out, against my instructions to keep my email address confidential, in order for them to email. Here's what some of them said…

"Joyeux Anniversaire!!!  I'm so happy to see that God has blessed you with another year. I miss you much and hope that you come home soon. I hope this message made you smile. I and I'm pretty sure many others haven't forgotten our wonderful [friend]. LOVE YOU BUNCHES."

"Hey man!

Happy Birthday!!! We all miss you DEARLY!!! It's just not the same without you. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you come home soon. Until then, I hope that you are in good spirits! Hopefully all of the bday wishes make you feel a little better. So do me a favor, crack a smile for me!!!!!"

"Happy birthday :) warm hugs from your friends on the west coast. Miss you and hope you enjoy your birthday."

"Hey Rah ……. This is your friend Tasha from Facebook …word is going around today is a special day …….. please enjoy and know that tons of people are here missing you and Wishing you a Happy Birthday ….. I will have a drink for you!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but i wanted to say happy birthday bro. I miss you and hope to have you back home. I love you bro (no homo lol).Take care of yourself and know that you have some family out here who loves you."

That's basically the general theme of all the emails. Oh, the last one was from someone who turns out to be really foul and disrespectful to me and someone I care about. Perhaps it's because of the emotional state I'm in or maybe I don't care anymore but when I received all the emails I had no desire to reply to them and I still don't. I'm purposely isolating myself from "my friends" and associates. I don't trust them or anyone for that matter. Though some of them by all accounts have truly been a good or great friend to me; sometimes the innocent have to pay for the guilty. Normally I would be happy that so many people still care about me and miss me but so what. As I'm writing this now I'm getting upset thinking about it, I think its because I don't believe them or I'm in so much people because not only of the situation I'm in but also what a few of them did and I can't stand to be around anyone or in contact with anyone. I feel betrayed by those same people who call themselves my friend, yeah, betrayed is the best way I can describe it. So their outreach instead of making me feel all warm and toasty on the inside actually upset me. I'm getting more upset as I continue to write this so let me stop…

As for what I did to celebrate my twenty ninth birthday I didn't do anything whether before during or after. Sunday, I did go to a beach party I heard people around the area talking about. Its something that goes on every Sunday at a beach that was re-opened. I'm mentioning the party because originally I didn't want to go especially since I had to pay to go on the beach but I said, "Fuck it!" I didn't have shit that day that day and I'm suppose to be enjoy my so-called birthday so I went it. I ended up winning two of the games there and won two bottle of liquor, I don't drink by the way. Later that evening this young lady introduce herself to me, she said she came over because she saw that I was standing there alone. After talking to her I found out it was her birthday. I gave her one of the bottles as a birthday gift. The day was fun because I won the games, man I'm competitive lol. On my birthday I spent most of the day drained and even more stressed. Arguing on the phone with my mom about things that's going on with my sister, feeling sick the whole day. All I wanted to do was crawl in a whole somewhere and erase my whole existence. That night I went walking downtown Montego Bay but there wasn't shit to do, this place is boring as fuck. So I went back to the house and opened the bottle I won in hopes of getting drunk and drink the day and my horrible feelings away but after two sips once again I couldn't do it. I really hate the taste of alcohol. I don't see how people can drink. So that's my birthday experience in a nut shell. People made a bigger deal about my birthday than I did which at this point I really don't give a fuck about.