Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Below are some of the photos from that trip, click on photo to enlarge.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
This two images represent a proud moment for me today. I've accomplished something I never dreamed of doing while in Jamaica. I'm amazed at myself for the path I'm on as represented by those images. I'm still not visually or for the most part internally excited but deep down I'm happy I am proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, this is only the beginning but "the journey of a thousand miles begin with one step" and this mark my first step. I've gone through a lot in life, I've gone through a lot these past two years and I'm still going through a lot emotionally but despite the pain I'm feeling I'm still trying to find ways to help myself accomplish certain goals. The road behind me wasn't easy and the road ahead won't be either but I'm walking step by step. I have little emotions to show but trust me when I say if I could smile I'll have one from ear to ear. Good job Raheem, I'm proud of you.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
I’m angry and that anger is growing slowly in me. I’ve snapped at several people in the past few weeks to no faults of their own. Oddly and ironically I’ve also been more polite as I walk around Montego Bay. I find myself saying excuse me and thank you more than I normally do, which was rarely. But despite being polite on the outside I’m in rage and in pain on the inside. Now that some individuals know of my return they are expecting things to return the way they were. [____] feel and want me to return to [____] and continue as if I never left or it would be uncomfortable at [____] with [____] there or knowing that there are those that knew of the guys she dated or still dating during my absents. I’m suppose to ignore and pretend I don’t know there are those who have turned out to be more of an enemy than my friends, I’m suppose to return and act as if I never left. [____] and a comment she made a few days ago sum up how she think, expect or in her words, “I was just watching a couple of [____] videos with you narrating. I can't wait until you get back so we can have more of your silly narrations!” She feels things are going to return to the way they where, we can go back to having fun like nothing has happened. FUCK!! No one has any idea what I’ve gone through these past two year and for [____] to expect things to be all smiles when I return show her ignorance and lack of situational awareness. I can’t and won’t put myself in that situation again, it was painful with other women and it is painful now with [____] and I won’t continue to put myself through it anymore. I’m tired of this pain and if [____] and I can’t find a way to get pass this and be a family again then I’m not going to be around her in anyway and that include not going to [____]. I’ve been alone for two years, I’ve spent my entire life alone in one form or another. If that’s how I have to leave the rest of my life, alone, then so be it.
No one fucking understands the shit I went through and is going through. [____], the one person who I thought would be there and understand abandon me…… FUCK! FUCK! This shit is bullshit FUCK EVERYONE! I’m not fucking with anybody once I return fuck them. If nothing else since I’ve been here I’ve learned that people are full of shit and even those that help you and has been there for you, you can’t and shouldn’t rely and depend on no one. Its just a matter of time when things are at their worst they will abandon you and leave you hanging.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I'm taking things step by step. I assumed that my readjustment would begin once I return to L.A. but I'm finding out that process has already began. I've changed since I've been here with all that I've gone through. And within the past two weeks more changes have accured. With what has happened since I've been here and what I'm undertaking now my world has litterally turned upside down and I'm force to adjust whether I want to or not. But these changes that has happened within the past two weekend and one that happened last November is the kind of change I'm proud of and look forward to see the fruits of my labor. Soon, I hope to add certain titles to my name. Titles that I've either only dreamed about or never thought in my wildest dream would happen.
I'm taking things step by step like I said, well I've always been like that since I've been here. There are those who are extremely happy hearing the news of my return. Those who want things to return to the way they were or return to the way THEY want them to, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I still haven't jumped for joy of the news. My heart was racing when the lady told me over the phone I was approved to return and I've extremely grateful and happy on the inside but it still hasn't sunk in and visually I haven't been able to express that joy. Maybe with all that I've gone through I've become numb to the feeling of joy and excitement. I understand the magnitude of the news and what it mean but it hasn't fully hit me as yet that soon I will be heading home. Perhaps because my return is still a ways away or maybe its because of the kind of L.A. I will return to that is without the one I love, the family I want to return to or the friends I thought I had. I'm not sure what the reason is but there are those who know of my return who is more excited than I am at the moment.
But today was a beautiful day the kind of day combined with the weather, it being quite and calm and me being relaxed, that I haven't had in an extremely long time.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"Joyeux Anniversaire!!! I'm so happy to see that God has blessed you with another year. I miss you much and hope that you come home soon. I hope this message made you smile. I and I'm pretty sure many others haven't forgotten our wonderful [friend]. LOVE YOU BUNCHES."
Happy Birthday!!! We all miss you DEARLY!!! It's just not the same without you. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you come home soon. Until then, I hope that you are in good spirits! Hopefully all of the bday wishes make you feel a little better. So do me a favor, crack a smile for me!!!!!"
"Happy birthday :) warm hugs from your friends on the west coast. Miss you and hope you enjoy your birthday."
"Hey Rah ……. This is your friend Tasha from Facebook …word is going around today is a special day …….. please enjoy and know that tons of people are here missing you and Wishing you a Happy Birthday ….. I will have a drink for you!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but i wanted to say happy birthday bro. I miss you and hope to have you back home. I love you bro (no homo lol).Take care of yourself and know that you have some family out here who loves you."
That's basically the general theme of all the emails. Oh, the last one was from someone who turns out to be really foul and disrespectful to me and someone I care about. Perhaps it's because of the emotional state I'm in or maybe I don't care anymore but when I received all the emails I had no desire to reply to them and I still don't. I'm purposely isolating myself from "my friends" and associates. I don't trust them or anyone for that matter. Though some of them by all accounts have truly been a good or great friend to me; sometimes the innocent have to pay for the guilty. Normally I would be happy that so many people still care about me and miss me but so what. As I'm writing this now I'm getting upset thinking about it, I think its because I don't believe them or I'm in so much people because not only of the situation I'm in but also what a few of them did and I can't stand to be around anyone or in contact with anyone. I feel betrayed by those same people who call themselves my friend, yeah, betrayed is the best way I can describe it. So their outreach instead of making me feel all warm and toasty on the inside actually upset me. I'm getting more upset as I continue to write this so let me stop…
As for what I did to celebrate my twenty ninth birthday I didn't do anything whether before during or after. Sunday, I did go to a beach party I heard people around the area talking about. Its something that goes on every Sunday at a beach that was re-opened. I'm mentioning the party because originally I didn't want to go especially since I had to pay to go on the beach but I said, "Fuck it!" I didn't have shit that day that day and I'm suppose to be enjoy my so-called birthday so I went it. I ended up winning two of the games there and won two bottle of liquor, I don't drink by the way. Later that evening this young lady introduce herself to me, she said she came over because she saw that I was standing there alone. After talking to her I found out it was her birthday. I gave her one of the bottles as a birthday gift. The day was fun because I won the games, man I'm competitive lol. On my birthday I spent most of the day drained and even more stressed. Arguing on the phone with my mom about things that's going on with my sister, feeling sick the whole day. All I wanted to do was crawl in a whole somewhere and erase my whole existence. That night I went walking downtown Montego Bay but there wasn't shit to do, this place is boring as fuck. So I went back to the house and opened the bottle I won in hopes of getting drunk and drink the day and my horrible feelings away but after two sips once again I couldn't do it. I really hate the taste of alcohol. I don't see how people can drink. So that's my birthday experience in a nut shell. People made a bigger deal about my birthday than I did which at this point I really don't give a fuck about.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
If my life were to end today what would that mean to others, would it even matter? The obvious answer is I would no longer be around. I wouldn’t be here to talk to and or interact with. But for some people in a sense it’s already like that, so would it really matter is if I was completely gone. There are those who naturally it will affect more deeply than others but again would it truly matter since I’ve been away from them for so long? My life is not the way I want or even hope it would be I feel like it’s a life wasted, without purpose, meaning, direction or importance and without my family; any family. I’ve heard over the years that, “Life is what you make of it” and I’ve also heard that, “God knows all and sees all; he’s the alpha and the omega.” If everything is already planned that mean I have no control over my life, my life was predetermine to be this way and I’m just playing out a script.
So what good is my part in this play? What purpose do I serve in this grand production? I’m not happy with the current state of my life, I have no control over it. It isn’t what I make of it because I can’t do what I would like, be where I would like, I can’t even return home to be with what little family I have remaining. Some would stay change the state of your life if you are not happy but if there’s no purpose or meaning to me, my life, my very existence how can or will I ever be happy? It would seem that this life, this play that I’m a part of is a painful one, a lonely one, a tragedy. I’m connected to a world where I seem to have no purpose in, I’m connected to people that I love but some doesn’t love me in return, connected to people I can’t be around in other words I’m being tortured; whether by God’s grant plan or self inflected. I feel only pain, there’s no joy in me, what is my life about?
So, the question repeat itself, would it even matter if my life were to end right now? I don’t think the sudden end to my life would matter much to anyone even those that still have a connection with me, but here’s the reality, whether it matters or not life still goes on. My death wouldn’t stop life from going on, in the grant scheme of life my passing would not change the play God has written out nor would it solve anything; well it would stop the pain I’m feeling and break my connection with this world and those in it. The truth therefore is it doesn’t matter if I’m dead or not the only difference is me directly; the pain and hurt I’m feeling will be gone.
I guess I just answered my own question, the play will go on with or without me yet at the same time I have no purpose in the play, there’s no joy or happiness written for me. The person I love I won’t be with, the place I call home I won’t see, the family I have I won’t be around and the things I want to accomplish will only be dreams that tortures me while away and asleep. The only thing my death will change is the dreams and pain will stop. Whether I take my own life now or wait on God, again, it doesn’t really matter. When a life has no purpose or meaning, no significant value the outcome of said life is meaningless and without value. For me death will be the first and only time in my life where I will finally be able to rest in peace and without pain.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A coat of arms is, strictly speaking, a distinctive heraldic design on a tunic used to cover and protect armour, but the term is more broadly applied to mean a full heraldic achievement which consists of a shield and certain accessories. In either sense, the design is a symbol unique to a person, family, corporation, or state. Such displays are also commonly called armorial bearings, armorial devices, heraldic devices, or arms.
Historically, armorial bearings were first used by feudal lords and knights in the mid-12th century on battlefields as a way to identify allied from enemy soldiers. As the uses for heraldic designs expanded, other social classes who never would march in battle began to assume arms for themselves. Initially, those closest to the lords and knights adopted arms, such as persons employed as squires that would be in common contact with the armorial devices. Then priests and other ecclesiastical dignities adopted coats of arms, usually to be used as seals and other such insignia, and then towns and cities to likewise seal and authenticate documents.
In the heraldic traditions of England and Scotland an individual, rather than a family, had a coat of arms. In those traditions coats of arms are legal property transmitted from father to son; wives and daughters could also bear arms modified to indicate their relation to the current holder of the arms. Undifferenced arms are used only by one person at any given time. Other descendants of the original bearer could bear the ancestral arms only with some difference: usually a color change or the addition of a distinguishing charge. One such charge is the label, which in British usage (outside the Royal Family) is now always the mark of an heir apparent or (in Scotland) an heir presumptive.
Because of their importance in identification, particularly in seals on legal documents, the use of arms was strictly regulated; few countries continue in this today. This has been carried out by heralds and the study of coats of arms is therefore called "heraldry". Some other traditions (e.g., Polish heraldry) are less restrictive — allowing, for example, all members of a dynastic house or family to use the same arms, although one or more elements may be reserved to the head of the house.
In time, the use of arms spread from military entities to educational institutes, and other establishments. According to a design institute article, "The modern logo and corporate livery have evolved from the battle standard and military uniform of medieval times". In the 21st century, coats of arms are still in use by a variety of institutions and individuals; for example, universities have guidelines on how their coats of arms may be used, and protect their use as trademarks. Many societies exist that also aid in the design and registration of personal arms, and some nations, like England and Scotland, still maintain to this day the mediaeval authorities that grant and regulate arms.
Now that you know what a COA is and the history behind it here is my early concept of what my COA will look like. Then I will explain the representation behind the COA
Explanation: In chosing my COA like I mention above, I want something that represent who I am and in extention the family I've created (in reality its just me). Everything about that COA represent something I strongly believe in and hold true to. When you see that COA its like the mission statement of a company, its says what I stand for, believe in and its what make me who I am. I'm changing, obviously, the COA around to suite who I am, colors symbols etc. so the explanation below will not match the sample photo above. I also didn't go into detail about the colors I'm chosing simply because for the blog it doesn't serve much purpose, but, I hope you can still visualize what I'm trying to create.
Meaning & Symbols: The rays behind the dove and top banner represent the sun and may it always shine over the family. The dove represents peace within the family. The crown atop the helmet symbolizes the grace and dignity that’s within the family and say, no matter where we go or what circumstance that lay in front of us we will always as a family and individuals of the family carry ourselves above the rest. Our family believe in being there for each other during good times and bad times, we are each other’s keeper, we are hard head, stubborn, we are committed and loyal to each other.
The helmet depict that commitment and the key on the helmet symbolize that our commitment is the key to our family strength. On the shield the picture of chains represents teamwork and strength; we as a family are only as strong as our weakest link. So the family must and will always work together to improve on our individual and collective strengths but also work equally hard to turn our weakness into strengths. Ying and Yang symbolize balance and without balance the family will be in chaos. It is that balance that will keep our family as one, that balance that the foundation of the family rest on.
The praying hands symbolize faith and trust in each other, the only way we will survive as a family is if we support and believe in each other. Each family member is responsible for doing his or her part to ensure the family is a strong and supportive one and each of us is equally responsible in watching and taking care of other. The lions represent the mother and father and they are the one in charge of the overall guidance, direction and protection of the family. The lions were chosen because lions work as teams, they symbolize strength, royalty (as depicted by the crown on their head) and leadership.
The rope around each lion ties and bond the family to each other and the values the family believe in and live by; we are a family of one. Each lion has a set of wings that represent the mother and father always lifting up the family, taking the family to new heights whether its in the commitment and values of the family or the direction the family is going. The wings on the lions as well as the wings of the dove also represent although in less significant value aviation and say at least one member in the family is a pilot or a part of the aviation community.
The quote “Le chéile ag gach duine a bhaint amach níos” on the bottom banner which is in Irish translate to “Together Everyone Achieve More” is the bedrock foundation of the Barnes family (Barnes is a Irish, Scottish and English name that derive from the word barn and so is the reason why the motto is in Irish). We are a family that work together in all manner of life. We believe that we are and act like a team, a team that love and support each other. A team that when times are difficult we bond tighter together like a Chinese finger trap and become unbreakable. The Barnes family is a family that is many working as one.
Coat of Arm Flag: In addition to creating the COA I decide to create a flag to go with it. Below is a rough idea of what that flag will look like.
So there you have it, my one member family COA and flag, a visual represtation of who I am and what I stand for. The final product is months if not about a year away from completing, but its a nice and fun hobby. Afterall this is who I am and it won't be rush. BTW, this isn't the project I'm working on that I told you about in another blog, that project is still under wrap.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
I wake up each day and understand that this day will be another battle, a battle to hold on to hope and faith, hold on to what little emotional strength I have. I wake up sad and depress wondering when will it be over, when will the pain and tears stop, when will I be able to go home but every day is like the last so I ask God to end it for me since I lack the strength and courage to do it myself. I'm fighting within myself each day for my survival. I no longer see beautiful and joy in life, I no longer see reason or meaning for social interactions, my outlook on life is grim and the things that would be my light in this tunnel; returning home and seeing my family I can't embrace. The love of my life is with another, away from home in a place I strongly dislike and away from my family I struggle to understand how this can be part of God's plan for a better life for me. All I feel is pain, emptiness, sadness and depression. How much longer can I or must I endure this, how much longer will I have to go away from home and my family? Where do I find strength, hope and meaning to all of this madness. I'm trying my best to believe that soon I will leave this place and see my sister but with each day that I'm here my hope and faith is one step closer to fading away. I see no purpose or meaning to my life anymore, I've stop living months again and I'm barely surviving. All I want to do is go home and see my sister but I'm not sure if God will grant me that. He has taken me away from my home and taken away everyone dare to my heart, I don't understand why he doesn't take my life and end the pain I'm in. I'm fighting to hold on but I'm not sure how much strength I have in me, all I want to do is go home… The struggle to survive continue but I'm not sure for how long!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Is this the love that so many people want to be in? Am I the only person who sees it for the pain that it is and want nothing to do with it? Love is an evil paradox; when things are good you feel alive, on top of the world, like you can do anything. You feel great and okay with the world, your high on life. But when things are bad, it suck the life out of you. It bring you down faster than gravity. The pain and hurt you feel is enough to make you want to take your life, it destroys you for the inside out. Love is one fuck up paradox which I’m at the bad end of.
Last night in the mist of my tears I went inside the bathroom, cried there for a few minutes then reach for the bottle of Advil… Well, leave it to me to be technical about things; the bottle said expired 12/10 so I assumed they are no longer affective. My life is a sad Italian romance with American drama. All that remain is the tragic end cause by hopelessness. Going to see if I can force myself back to sleep.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I don't have the physical strength nor the emotionally one to properly aid myself in this struggle. My back is killing me, head hurt, coughing like crazy and feeling weak. When I'm not doing that I'm crying, still feeling weak and depress. My entire body is a wreck and there's no to my aid. I'm physically and emotionally under the weather, what a way to end one year and start an other. But I'm trying to accept the now that I'm in, it is what it is.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Its eating me up inside as I try to come to terms to the new reality that I’m in; tears still flow from my eyes, heart shattered and numb to the world. I now understand that pain is my comfort. I often steer aimlessly in space, in a daze and would start crying knowing how much pain I’m in, how much it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you. Looking back on 2010 I understand that life’s only purpose is to end and going into and starting 2011 I’ve asked for my life to end, I no longer fear death or is delusional like so many others who feel death isn’t constantly upon them. Unlike others, I see no purpose to my life and I welcome death to free me of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I’ve lost love and important people in 2010; my father figured past away in early December and I wasn’t able to pay my final respect, I feel I owe him that much for all that he has done for me and it burn me inside to know I’m unable to do so.
I hear people say they are living life or that I’m living or should live life, I now feel that’s bullshit. Life is an illusion of death, the reality is each moment, second, minute, hour and day we are “living” the reality is we draw one step closer to our death. The only time we were truly alive was the moment of our birth, after that we started the journey of our death. We are dead men and women walking and the illusion we give ourselves is what we do between the moment we are born and the moment we die actually matter and make a difference. It doesn’t matter what we do, we are all going to die. All we do is hurt each other with our actions and lies. As much as I am in pain right now once I die it won’t matter, the pain will go away and my life just as the lives of countless before me and countless after me won’t matter to the universe or God. My life and the life of everyone in this world is meaningless; pain and a broken heart in 2010 taught me that.
Realizing that God doesn’t answer prayers; logically he can’t answer everyone's prayers, its impossible nor does he really care is what I learned in 2010. God is a spectator and we are the game he’s watching for entertainment. Now I understand, the shit we care about, the people we care love, all of it doesn’t matter. We care for people when it fit our benefit, we love people because we are selfish and want to be love in return. We love ONLY when it benefit our needs and is easy, once it become hard we turn and run. Life is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now, love is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now. The only thing that seems to make sense now in my world is pain and death. I’m in pain but I understand and I realize why, all that remain is death to free me from this illusion.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I'm stepping outside my box a bit, trying things I've never done before. Its difficult working on this project simply because I'm doing something I don't like to do nor have any experience at it. But something inside me is telling me I should bring it to life so that's what I'm going to try to do. Whether its successful or not isn't the issue but if it does see the light of day I will be extremely proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.