For the longest time I’ve felt that I’m missing something, feeling that I need to reconnect or connect spiritually and mentally. With all the things that is going on and especially when what’s going on with Dee I feel more than ever I need that connection. I feel like I’m out of control, lost, powerless, alone and scared. I feel like my life is on a spiral dive and I can’t stop it. For several months I’ve felt the need to find spiritual balance, start going to church, pray more, mediate, something, anything to get to a place of spiritual and mental balance. The past month has been extremely difficult for me on top of already having a difficult past 12 months. I decided I can’t handle what I’m going through alone, the thoughts I’m having, the emotions I’m feeling, the things I’m doing isn’t physically, psychology, emotionally or spiritually healthy for me. I have to find help and fast before something crazy or bad happen to me. Yesterday, I went downtown to a bookstore and purchase two books that I feel will help me regain myself both emotionally and spiritually.
I bought a copy of the Bible, the King James version and also The Secret. Separately, they are good reading materials but together I’m hoping they would be what I need in my life right now; guidance. I’m still waiting on the book that Joy bought for me and when that arrive I’m going to use that to also help me through all of this. I’m broken, hurt, sad, depress, having thoughts of suicide, thinking about starting to drink. I’m experiencing things I’ve never experienced in a situation and combination of situations I’ve never experience before and going through it all completely alone, away from home without friends and family for support. I’m weak and I’m not afraid to say this maybe a situation I can’t deal with by myself and is willing to seek the help of a higher power as well as tapping into my own personal strength to get through this. Some say the first step in healing is to admit you have a problem, well, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM. I can’t do this alone and will need help in whatever form that help may come. With that said, let the healing process begin.