Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Birthday Wishes

Two days after my birthday I'm still receiving birthday wishes email. For the past three days I've gotten a lot of those email from "my friends." They all say nice things; how they miss and love me, how they haven't forgotten me, things aren't the same without me and how much they look forward to seeing me again soon, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure if anyone else received the amount of emails I received it would make them smile and feel they have friends who love and care for them. Given what I'm going through and how I general feel about people and especially those that Dee and I mutually know the gesture didn't more me. If anything I was a bit annoyed and upset especially since she gave my email address out, against my instructions to keep my email address confidential, in order for them to email. Here's what some of them said…

"Joyeux Anniversaire!!!  I'm so happy to see that God has blessed you with another year. I miss you much and hope that you come home soon. I hope this message made you smile. I and I'm pretty sure many others haven't forgotten our wonderful [friend]. LOVE YOU BUNCHES."

"Hey man!

Happy Birthday!!! We all miss you DEARLY!!! It's just not the same without you. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you come home soon. Until then, I hope that you are in good spirits! Hopefully all of the bday wishes make you feel a little better. So do me a favor, crack a smile for me!!!!!"

"Happy birthday :) warm hugs from your friends on the west coast. Miss you and hope you enjoy your birthday."

"Hey Rah ……. This is your friend Tasha from Facebook …word is going around today is a special day …….. please enjoy and know that tons of people are here missing you and Wishing you a Happy Birthday ….. I will have a drink for you!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but i wanted to say happy birthday bro. I miss you and hope to have you back home. I love you bro (no homo lol).Take care of yourself and know that you have some family out here who loves you."

That's basically the general theme of all the emails. Oh, the last one was from someone who turns out to be really foul and disrespectful to me and someone I care about. Perhaps it's because of the emotional state I'm in or maybe I don't care anymore but when I received all the emails I had no desire to reply to them and I still don't. I'm purposely isolating myself from "my friends" and associates. I don't trust them or anyone for that matter. Though some of them by all accounts have truly been a good or great friend to me; sometimes the innocent have to pay for the guilty. Normally I would be happy that so many people still care about me and miss me but so what. As I'm writing this now I'm getting upset thinking about it, I think its because I don't believe them or I'm in so much people because not only of the situation I'm in but also what a few of them did and I can't stand to be around anyone or in contact with anyone. I feel betrayed by those same people who call themselves my friend, yeah, betrayed is the best way I can describe it. So their outreach instead of making me feel all warm and toasty on the inside actually upset me. I'm getting more upset as I continue to write this so let me stop…

As for what I did to celebrate my twenty ninth birthday I didn't do anything whether before during or after. Sunday, I did go to a beach party I heard people around the area talking about. Its something that goes on every Sunday at a beach that was re-opened. I'm mentioning the party because originally I didn't want to go especially since I had to pay to go on the beach but I said, "Fuck it!" I didn't have shit that day that day and I'm suppose to be enjoy my so-called birthday so I went it. I ended up winning two of the games there and won two bottle of liquor, I don't drink by the way. Later that evening this young lady introduce herself to me, she said she came over because she saw that I was standing there alone. After talking to her I found out it was her birthday. I gave her one of the bottles as a birthday gift. The day was fun because I won the games, man I'm competitive lol. On my birthday I spent most of the day drained and even more stressed. Arguing on the phone with my mom about things that's going on with my sister, feeling sick the whole day. All I wanted to do was crawl in a whole somewhere and erase my whole existence. That night I went walking downtown Montego Bay but there wasn't shit to do, this place is boring as fuck. So I went back to the house and opened the bottle I won in hopes of getting drunk and drink the day and my horrible feelings away but after two sips once again I couldn't do it. I really hate the taste of alcohol. I don't see how people can drink. So that's my birthday experience in a nut shell. People made a bigger deal about my birthday than I did which at this point I really don't give a fuck about.

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