Too Guarded! Maybe, Maybe Not

It seems I was too good at what I didn’t realize I was doing. I was too guarded with my feelings and emotions so God decided to punish me by taking away the love of one of the people I love the most. So now I have all this love that I want to show, all this love that I want to express and now I can’t. Its too late, its not enough, time ran out on me. Fearing I would get hurt and be alone I’m ultimately now hurting and is alone. I’m not going to put all of the blame for what’s going on solely on my shoulders but I can only speak for my own actions. Love was there, I did the best I could to show as much of that love as I could, walls did come down but not enough I suppose. Not enough to show and prove to her that I do love her, my actions alone wasn’t enough. I really believe I’m being punish although I feel its not completely my fault; I was afraid to completely let down all my walls because of past experience yet at the same time I fully and completely trust, love her and let her in closer than I’ve ever allowed anyone to get to me. I let down more walls and open up to her more than anyone before but like I said, it wasn’t enough.

I think it wasn’t that I was too guarded, honestly I don’t know what it was because I did overcome a lot of the fears that I once had. I was open with her, I love her the best way I could. Given more time I know I would continue to be open with her and show her the kind of love I have for her and the kind she wanted me to show or learn how to love her the way she wanted. I love her and showed her that love through my actions, it wasn’t what I said but what I did that displayed how much she meant to me. But it wasn’t enough, guarded or not I wonder would things ever be enough with anyone. So now I’m without the one I love and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. It seems no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, guarded or not, the end result will still be the same. I believe that’s why I’m feeling this way about people in general; no matter what it seems love and romance just isn’t for me so why continue to put myself through it. Why keep trying, trusting people, having faith in people, why? Was I too guarded with her, maybe, maybe not; that’s a question of degree. Do I love her, yes, of course. Did I try, did I make an honest effort to show that love yes. But I’m still at the end of the day in tears, sad, depress, thoughts of suicide, thinking about drinking to ease the pain. So whether or not I have walls up its basically the same shit but didn’t person.