Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Emotionally Alone

It feels as if I'm the only one left in the world. Yet at the same time it feels as if with so many people around I have no one to talk to. She and I have hardly spoken in the past few days; she's busy doing whatever she's doing, being interested in other guys. People who I once consider friends I feel I can't trust of communicate with anymore. I'm emotionally alone, for the past five years things were the complete opposite especially in the past three. Now I'm once again at a place where I've been before but hoped I wouldn't return, but I'm here, here again. My emotionally state of mind is parallel with my physical; no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one I feel is there for me anymore. Just isolation emotionally and physically it would seem.

It’s a re-adjustment once again. Going back to a time when I had no one, I communicate with no one, just like now back them because of circumstance in life I was alone is all sense of the world. Just as with then, now I feel it’s just me, left with my feelings for someone I can't share towards, feelings and now believing I have no one in my corner, feeling as if there's a impossible mountain in front of me that I must climb and feeling just cut off from the world.

I'm trying to accept things as they are right now, trying to suppress my feelings for her, put her out of my mind, fight the urge to want to talk to her because it’s clear she doesn't want to talk to me nor am I on her mind. I have to learn to only communicate with myself, once again find joy in this isolation, and find happiness knowing I'm not happy. Just like before I have to realize and understand I have no friends, I seem to be place on this earth to be alone, to not find joy in the simple things in life, human interaction. I'm going to an extremely emotional and difficult moment in my life and one thing for sure is certain, I'm in it by myself and when I emerge for this experience I will continue to be by myself.

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