Thursday, January 20, 2011

Struggle 2 Survive

Each day I wake up and wonder why I'm still here, how is it possible that I made it to see another day. I'm struggle minute by minute each day both physically and mentally. I'm struggling to hold on to faith I will return home, to LA, soon and once again see my family. Each day it's a battle to continue believing in life, to find some meaning to my life and to the world. I desperately want to return home yet at the same time I also pray for death; how is that possible to ask for two contradicting things. I'm losing faith, losing hoping while I wake each day and see that new day I'm sadden that God has given me strength and breath to witness his wonders while still trap in my prison call Jamaica. It's a physical and mental struggle to see the light in this dark tunnel I'm in, to believe that the light will appear and I will see my mom and sister again. I'm losing the best part of me; my will to press on and not give up, I can feel myself dying on the inside. I want to go home so badly yet I'm lacking the strength, faith and will to endure this experience so that I can make it home. How much longer do I have to go through this, how much longer do I have to be in pain? I've lost so much since being here I wonder why God don't finish the job and take my life.

I wake up each day and understand that this day will be another battle, a battle to hold on to hope and faith, hold on to what little emotional strength I have. I wake up sad and depress wondering when will it be over, when will the pain and tears stop, when will I be able to go home but every day is like the last so I ask God to end it for me since I lack the strength and courage to do it myself. I'm fighting within myself each day for my survival. I no longer see beautiful and joy in life, I no longer see reason or meaning for social interactions, my outlook on life is grim and the things that would be my light in this tunnel; returning home and seeing my family I can't embrace. The love of my life is with another, away from home in a place I strongly dislike and away from my family I struggle to understand how this can be part of God's plan for a better life for me. All I feel is pain, emptiness, sadness and depression. How much longer can I or must I endure this, how much longer will I have to go away from home and my family? Where do I find strength, hope and meaning to all of this madness. I'm trying my best to believe that soon I will leave this place and see my sister but with each day that I'm here my hope and faith is one step closer to fading away. I see no purpose or meaning to my life anymore, I've stop living months again and I'm barely surviving. All I want to do is go home and see my sister but I'm not sure if God will grant me that. He has taken me away from my home and taken away everyone dare to my heart, I don't understand why he doesn't take my life and end the pain I'm in. I'm fighting to hold on but I'm not sure how much strength I have in me, all I want to do is go home… The struggle to survive continue but I'm not sure for how long!

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