Understanding

2010 is over, a new year has began. As I look back on 2010 a lot has happen, I’ve grown, I’ve learn, I’m still learning and I’m understanding. So much has happened in ways I’m still trying to understand and make sense of. Going into 2011, I’m broken, damaged, in pain and alone but I’m wiser. I’m beginning to see the world and people a lot differently and I’m becoming more cynical towards people, the world and life. Things aren’t what they appear to be, people aren’t who they say they are and when shit hit the fan the only person you can count on is YOU. 2010 perhaps by far was the most emotional and difficult year for me, I still away from my home and I’ve had to watch helpless as the one I love abandon me when I need her the most. Emotionally she was nowhere to be found. As I reached out to her for strength, comfort, support, love she pulled away, seeking comfort in the arms of others. When the going got tough, she left.

Its eating me up inside as I try to come to terms to the new reality that I’m in; tears still flow from my eyes, heart shattered and numb to the world. I now understand that pain is my comfort. I often steer aimlessly in space, in a daze and would start crying knowing how much pain I’m in, how much it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you. Looking back on 2010 I understand that life’s only purpose is to end and going into and starting 2011 I’ve asked for my life to end, I no longer fear death or is delusional like so many others who feel death isn’t constantly upon them. Unlike others, I see no purpose to my life and I welcome death to free me of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I’ve lost love and important people in 2010; my father figured past away in early December and I wasn’t able to pay my final respect, I feel I owe him that much for all that he has done for me and it burn me inside to know I’m unable to do so.

I hear people say they are living life or that I’m living or should live life, I now feel that’s bullshit. Life is an illusion of death, the reality is each moment, second, minute, hour and day we are “living” the reality is we draw one step closer to our death. The only time we were truly alive was the moment of our birth, after that we started the journey of our death. We are dead men and women walking and the illusion we give ourselves is what we do between the moment we are born and the moment we die actually matter and make a difference. It doesn’t matter what we do, we are all going to die. All we do is hurt each other with our actions and lies. As much as I am in pain right now once I die it won’t matter, the pain will go away and my life just as the lives of countless before me and countless after me won’t matter to the universe or God. My life and the life of everyone in this world is meaningless; pain and a broken heart in 2010 taught me that.

Realizing that God doesn’t answer prayers; logically he can’t answer everyone's prayers, its impossible nor does he really care is what I learned in 2010. God is a spectator and we are the game he’s watching for entertainment. Now I understand, the shit we care about, the people we care love, all of it doesn’t matter. We care for people when it fit our benefit, we love people because we are selfish and want to be love in return. We love ONLY when it benefit our needs and is easy, once it become hard we turn and run. Life is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now, love is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now. The only thing that seems to make sense now in my world is pain and death. I’m in pain but I understand and I realize why, all that remain is death to free me from this illusion.