Friday, June 25, 2010

House of Pain

I cried again today then I went into downtown. I needed to get out the house. I find that I don’t want to be in the house because I feel I’m overwhelmed by the emotions I have while here. So I went out and tried my best to stay out for as long as possible, its as if now I don’t want to be inside the house. I’m afraid to be here, alone because all I’ll do is think about the situation and feel even more pain. If I could I’ll stay out all day and only come back to the house to shower and sleep. Its not even that I socialize when I’m out but simply being in the house I feel like the only thing I do is think about it and cry. I force myself go hang out for those hours at the shop where I get my minutes, I talked to the lady and for those few hours I didn’t think about her or how I’m feeling. Ultimately, I don’t want to be around or be bothered by anyone but right now I’m willing to take the lesser of the two shit I don’t want to deal with. That’s why today I decided to go back on Facebook; the Bonifide Skillz account, not the main one. I’m going to use Facebook right now to just kill time and help it will get my mind off things. I’m not going to try and socialize much with any one individual, but be a silent observer.

This is painful, I’m lost, confused and hurt and alone; really alone. Base on what she’s told me I’m beginning to realize that this isn’t my fault, I thought it was because I was guarded but I realize I did the best I could loving her and showing her that love but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t show her what SHE needed to see and hear. She felt somethings were missing with me although I’ve showed her more love and affection than I’ve ever showed anyone before her. So why does this still hurt? Why am I the one that suffers from it and the one in tears while she’s interested and hanging out with someone else. I did the best I could, it wasn’t enough but I’m the one in the end that got dumped and my world turned upside down, I’m the one left all alone now. I did the best I could yet I’m the one who now feel bitter towards love and relationships, I’m the one who is felt feeling that relationships are now meaningless, pointless, and serve no purpose. I love her the best way I could but that wasn’t enough for her and I’m the one left in tears. I have a difficult and painful road ahead of me on my journey to heal myself from this experience. Right now I feel I don’t ever want to be in another relationship again EVER! I feel I’m meant and will always be alone. But I often here some people say, “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this or will be willing to try at a relationship again, the future is uncertain now. A lot of things is uncertain, its all in God’s hands but right now, I’m damaged goods, not good to myself or anyone. I’m in a lot of pain and just ask God to give me strength and guidance through all of this because right now I need him more than ever…

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