Saturday, June 26, 2010

Rebuilding a Heart

It takes seconds to destroy something; a building, family, friendship, romance, the heart. But it takes months, years or in some case never to build from the ruins or rebuild what was destroyed. Case in point its been nine years and nothing has been build on the Word Trade site. It’s much easier to destroy something than it is to fix it and the heart is no different. My heart has been destroyed and the destruction stage is proven to be very difficult to get pass and remove. When something is destroyed say like a building, again lets take the World Trade Towers for example. It took weeks to clear the debris, it was a slow step by step process. First you had to search for survivors i.e. hope, just as with a broken heart you hope that there’s still a chance something is there, something to hold on to, something to fight to save. Then come the recovery stage of those lost, the realization that all hope is lost. After that passes come the removal of debris and that could be difficult. The pain of knowing you can’t get back what was lost, you can’t undo it yet you can’t stay the way you are, you can’t leave things as is because it’s a constant reminder of what you lost. The recovery and removal stage can be the most painful and long lasting stage of building something over something that was lost or trying to rebuild what was lost. Even after you clear the debris, sometimes its just too emotionally difficult to rebuild in that area; its too difficult to love again, to trust again, to have faith again. So like the WTC site a void is left, a big empty hole is left where once memories and something whole was. The moving on process can take years or never to get past and that’s the challenge part, getting to a point after the destruction, after searching for hope, and after removing what was damage, to be able to move on.

I’m at the point now where these debris are too high, too much damage, too much pain. I can’t see anything past the pain as if there’s no future but that pain. I have to find a way to clear all of this mess and I don’t know how long that will take, I don’t know if once I’ve cleared it I’m going to be too emotionally broken and tired to do anything else. I don’t know what the future looks like. Once I do clear the broken pieces of my heart like the WTC, will there be an empty hole with nothing to fill it, will it be too painful to move on from what happened or will I find the strength to rebuild; to trust, have faith and love again. I honestly don’t know, right now I want all these broken pieces, the pain, the tears, the hurt to go away. I can’t see anything past what I’m currently feeling and its painful. This stage, this process is extremely difficult and challenging for me and I want to get past it. If I am like the WTC where nine years later there’s still a hole then so be it, I’m willing to accept that over the pain I’m feeling now. I’m willing to accept that the damage emotionally was too great to rebuild as long as I’m not in all this pain; crying, being depress, constantly thinking about her, wanting to see her, talk to her, dreaming of her, wishing things were different and we were back together. I don’t want to be in this stage but I have to be as painful as it is, as much as I don’t want to be here I have to be. I’m trying to understand that the breakup, the destruction of my heart has place me on this path, this journey and now I have to go through it even though its extremely painful. Its call life and sometimes life isn’t easy or fun. Sometimes like now, its painful and dark but you go through it, whether it make you stronger you still have to go through it once you’ve been place on that path. So I’m painfully dealing with it, using my journal, blogs, walking, sleeping, whatever it takes to remove the broken pieces of my heart so my future can be clear again and I can get past this. As painful as it maybe sometimes you have no choice but to keep walking, keep removing the pieces, keep crying because that’s the path you have to take, that’s the journey life has you on at that moment.

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