Friday, June 18, 2010

Long Walk For Peace

I spoke to my friend again yesterday and then I took a much needed walk downtown. I stopped by one of the beach areas, cried then talk to God and asked for strength, guidance, peace and for the pain not to last long. Then I went by the airport, sat close to the runway and stayed there for about an hour and a half. I cried some more, talk to God again and then I wrote a poem. On my way back to the house I bought some movies, got to the house and popped them in. I feel a lot better, I know I’m far from okay, I still think about her and that she’s moved on. At times while watching the movie I wondered what she’s doing, is she talking to the person she’s interested in, is she with him at the moment etc. Things are going to be day to day, each day I’m going to have to find ways to get through this pain, get through this emotional hurricane I’m caught in the middle of.

Each day will be a new day of trying to find peace and strength but today was better than yesterday. My friend because she’s recently going through what I’m not experiencing she’s been able to talk me through some of the stuff I’m experiencing. Talking to her has really helped me. I’ve never gone through anything like this before, not with any of the few women in my past, largely because her and I physically and emotional where so close; we did and went everywhere together. A lot of my friends became her friends and now that its over I face an unknown future, unknown reality and of yeah, I’m stuck in another country by myself going through it. I’ve broke contact with all of those friends when I deactivated my facebook. It’s a challenge and I pray that I can make it through it all. Her and I haven’t talked much in the past two days, I want to talk to her but I guess she doesn’t want to talk to me. A long time ago she told me that when she’s interested in someone that’s all she focus on I guess that’s where she’s at now, focus just on him and no room for anyone else, i.e. me. So much for the friendship she want us to have.

I feel abandon by her on top of all the other emotions. I thought she would at least keep in regular contact with me given circumstance I’m in and still rely heavily on her in a lot of ways, and that she says she’s my friend and how much as a friend she love me. I saw this action before and questioned her about it, how come we don’t talk as much anymore. At the time she would say its because we hang nothing to talk about, then all of a sudden we go back to talking everyday again. So now I’m sure if I ask her again her reply would be the same but now I know it would be because there’s someone in the picture. Yeah, I feel hurt and now abandon and as much as it hurt I refuse to be anger at her or take it out on her. At the end of the day I will forever be grateful for what she has done for me and whether or friendship survive this or not if she ever need me I’m going to be there for her. But right now I have to be there for myself, I have to find a way to get past this, to get past her and like she said and want, I have to “let her go.” That walk I took really help but that’s only one day, now I have to find a way again and again and again to heal myself and get through this.

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