Friday, June 18, 2010

Moving On

I never thought things would be like this with that person especially with me away from home. I’m still in shock and disbelief how things are unfolding, yet some way, somehow I guess I have to accept it and move on. I spoke to a close friend two days about the situation and it look like the conversation helped. I felt better after talking to her even though I still was crying, she always gave me some things to read to help me through this difficult time. I now have to begin the process of healing, yeah, I have to heal myself from the one I love. I honestly thought her and I was too close for something like to happen to us, I never thought that in a sense we would be breaking up while I’m stuck out here. I never thought it would end. I have to heal myself now, focus on me and how I’m going to deal with this rebuilding stage and break my feelings and addiction of her. For the past two years she’s been my world, we did and went everywhere together now that world is no more. I have to put it behind me and somehow move on and what’s worst is I’m out here alone having to do it, or maybe that’s a good thing I’m not sure. But things looks to really be over, she wants to us to still be friends. I don’t think that will be possible, I’m too deeply in love with her to just be her friend, seeing her with another person knowing that I want to be the one she’s with, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it.

Once I return to LA I’m going to cut all ties completely with her even with our mutual friends. I’m sadden by what I’m saying and what I about to do, I love her so much but she couldn’t see that I loved her in my own way and I showed that love as best I could. She knew I love her but she wanted me to love her the way she felt she should be love so at the end my love wasn’t enough to keep her. Once I was stuck out there she got the opportunity she needed to emotionally separate herself from me. Like I told her and she denied, I was outta sight and became outta mind. It won’t be so easy for me to do with her but I have no choice, I’m force to move on. I feel like crying now but that’s okay, I won’t hold back my tears, I’m going to let it all out when it need to until there’s no more tears for her. I’ve asked God to give me another chance with her and as of today he’s sees fit not to grant me that chance. Its going to be a difficult and painful road ahead, things won’t be easy but it’s a road I have no choice but to travel down. I’m in love with someone who no longer love me, I would have never thought things would end like this with her and I, oh I miss her so much. Like what my friend said, I was too guarded, and it back fired, now I have to pay for that mistake. This is a road I don’t want to travel down, especially not with her, not her, not when I’ve fallen so deeply in love with her and she mean so much to me. I’m crying again, I hope I have the strength to make it through this so here goes the first of what will be many painful steps in moving on…

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