I’m done playing God’s love game. Fuck it, all my life its been one bad outcome after another with women and this is the last fucking straw. This one hurt the most and the wound is deep. I’m done with this shit. I see now regardless of if I try my best or don’t do shit at all its not going to work with any woman. So why deal with the shit anymore. This girl will be the last person I ever fall in love with, she will be the last person I allow to get this close to me EVER again. God place us on here, he put experiences in our path to see how we handle them. Ever woman he has place in my life that meant something to me, i.e. I had feelings for them has always goes sour. So I’m making the decision that no matter how many women he place in front of me from this day fourth I’m going to turn and walk the other way. I just don’t want to go through this shit anymore.
Some people aren’t meant to be with anyone, some people aren’t meant to have that happily ever after. Its clear now I’m that person so I need to stop fooling myself and accept the shit for what it is. I swear to God I’ll never give my heart to another person again. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, do all that I’ve ever wanted to do, go to all the places I’ve ever wanted to visit but I’m going to do it alone. It seems and its clear now that my best isn’t good enough for neither her or him (God) or for anyone. I tried so hard in loving her, to show her that I do love her but it wasn’t it wasn’t enough. How can your best not be enough? I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life, a lot of shit that has traumatize with mostly with women i.e. my mother and others. Its left me guarded with my feelings, no being able to show physical affection and at times be none verbal with my feelings. With her I did my best to break that cycle; I was open as best I could, I did show her as best I could through my actions and things I didn't say or said, but she basically told me it wasn’t enough. She figured in 1 ½ yrs I should have been able to change 28yrs worth of damage that was down to me emotionally, open up and let all my walls down just like that. Its not just with her, all other woman I’ve fallen for there’s been something or another; cheated on, breaking up with me without even an explaination, believing others over me and so on.
One would say, maybe it’s not the women but maybe its me, maybe I'm fallen for all the wrong kind of women. If that’s true then I’m making the stand to step out of the game, retiring so to speak. Love is dead to me now and it died on Thursday June 24, 2010. If I’m ever to fall in love again, God himself would have to come down and tell me that she’s the one otherwise fuck it. I’m so tired of this, so tired of being the one who hurt the most, so tired of being the one left crying and so tired of people saying its going to be okay, she wasn’t the one. Well guess what? One will be the one. I’ve loved for the last time, I’m done dealing with people closely, done caring and feeling. That shit is for the birds for real, once I’m fully over her that’s it, it ends with her. God plays some cruel games so I’m going to stop playing his love games. After tonight my focus is getting over my feeling for her and locking my heart away. Some people just isn’t meant for that love this, I guess I’m one of those people. I’m tired of it and I’m not going to do it anymore.
Whoever reads this I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I hope you aren't sorry for me, if you are, don't be, I'm not. The shit is what it fucking is and that's all its going to be.
Current Feeling: Complete rage
Current Mood: Don't even give a shit anymore