Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Mother's Maternal Bond
Yesterday I spoke to my mom and she told me she was checking on me because she’s had two dreams in the past few days or weeks where she was holding me while I was crying. She doesn’t know that I’ve been crying for fourteen days now and I’m surprised and amazed that she would dream something like that during a time that I’ve been in so much pain. I haven’t seen my mom obviously is a year and our relationship isn’t the best or the most connected to begin with yet I suppose the maternal bond between a mother and her child is never broken. Instinctively my mother feels there’s something wrong with me thus she dream of me crying and I suppose instinctively she want to be there for me and protect me. If only she knew how accurate her dreams are. I lied and told her I was okay knowing its far from the truth. As much as its touching and heart felt that my mother would have such dreams the reality is she’s not the affectionate and consoling type. If I were to explain to her in detail what’s going on she would give me some cut and dry response and say something like, “You’re a man, get over it. Fuck her, etc, etc.” No compassion what so ever and right now what I perhaps need the most is compassion, to know that its going to be okay and there’s someone there for me if and when I need them. This would be a great time to have a wonderful relationship with my mom so I could turn to her for advice, comfort, protection and overall love. But my mother and I don’t have that kind of relationship, plus I’ve never been the one to express my emotions in detail with my her. Perhaps why I have a difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions with those I really care about but that’s for another time to discuss. Internally my mother know there’s something wrong with her son, its one of those parent things that I guess you can’t understand unless you yourself is a parent. I wanted to tell her what is going on, want her to be there for me but I know she wouldn’t give me the kind of affection I would need in this particular situation. It’s moments like these where I wish my mom and I had a better relationship, I wish I had the ideal relationship with her because right now, right now is where I really, really need her. Right now with what I’m dealing with is where a child would need the comfort, love, understanding, care and protection of his mother and the love and feeling only a mother can give. If only she knew how on point her dreams were, I wish things were different but they’re not. This does prove that no matter how good or bad the relationship with your parent is or the distance between the two of you, there will always be a maternal bond that connects you.