Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Two Week Check Up

Today marks two weeks since I had that talk with her that lead to how I’m feeling now I thought I’ll give myself alittle update to see what’s going on. I’ve eaten again so this mark twice that I’ve ate something in eleven days. My appetite maybe slowly returning, I find myself feeling for certain foods though I still wouldn’t eat. Today I ate some cookies and a few pieces of banana chips, whether I eat anything again for the rest of the day is still a question but at least I ate something no matter how small it was.

So far I haven’t cried and if it remain that way I would have ended fourteen straight days of tears. Its not that emotionally I’m okay, I’m still sad and depress but I think instead of challenging my pain through my tears I’m internalizing it. I’m calm yet emotionally quiet as if I had no emotions like I don’t care about anything anymore, its that whatever mindset. I know I’m far from okay and just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean that things are getting better I’m perhaps at the point where I’m choosing a different way to express and deal with the pain.

I still haven’t shaved, cut my hair or remove the covers all the mirrors though I have seen reflections of myself. Doing those things doesn’t matter to me anymore, I really don’t care how I look or care if someone think I’m unattractive because I’m not groomed. Nor do I really want to look at myself anyway, just doesn’t seem to concern me at the moment.

All and all its still a day to day situation. I try not to think about her as much now but I still do. My told me, “There’s nothing you can do about it so stop trying to get into her head” and that’s what I’ve been working on, not thinking about what she’s doing whether or not she’s talking to or hanging out with the guy she’s interested in. I try not to talk to her as much although I really and truly miss our conversations. I do check how she’s doing because of the car accident she was in. Last night we spoke for almost three hours on the phone and if felt so good just to hear her voice, laugh with her, it felt like things were going to be okay with us but deep down I wasn’t sure, deep down knew I was only fooling myself in thinking that way.

I still haven’t gone back on Facebook but I did check in on my Twitter. I’ve thought about going back on my less popular Facebook account but again, I don’t see the point in doing so. If I do go back anytime soon it would be because I’m extremely bored with nothing to do. I don’t want to have any direct contact or interactions with anyone anymore. I still don’t talk to anyone on my messengers except obviously her, my sister and my friend who's helping me through this but I haven’t talked her in a day. I don’t care to talk to anyone or want to deal with anyone, another friend has tried to contact twice on Yahoo! Messenger but I ignored her and that’s how I’ve treated people who attempted to reach out to me.

Two weeks have pass, I’m still hurt, still in a lot of pain, still don’t want to talk or really deal with anyone. Just want to be to myself and my thoughts as I deal with this, my improvement won’t be measured over days but rather time; weeks or months. Lets see how the next two weeks turn out…

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