I think I’m being effected by now eating for so long. It’s now eight days since I’ve had any food. I’m not sure if it’s the same headaches that I normally would get but I’m getting headaches again. If I sit for a period of time then get up I would feel momentary weakness and get dizzy. At times I have trouble remembering things that have to do with numbers. I’m sure my body is breaking down from not having its normal intake of energy but since I’ve been here its never had its normal intake, being stressed, depress, not eating as much to begin with and now not eating anything in days I know my body is in the red.
I wanted to force myself to eat something today but I couldn’t, I just don’t have the appetite. Yet I feel like I’m being tempted to eat, the woman who often come to the house cooked yesterday and it smell so good, kinda of remind me of my mother’s cooking. For myself that night all I was thinking about was maybe I should eat but I didn’t. Then today I thought about buying some rice and peas and chicken from the restaurant I normally go to; I even walked up to it but decided not to, again feeling like I was forcing myself to eat. And now I’m noticing I’m making a lot of typos writing this entry. I’ve never done anything like this before, not eating. I have gone a few times while here a day without any food and juice but that was just one day; nothing like what I’m doing now. A large part of it is because I’m so depress I truly have no appetite but another part is because I don’t care anymore and want to see how long it would take before I eat or worst pass out. I’m not trying to prove something to myself but I think I just no longer have the urge to eat.
I went for another walk and as I was walking the pain, the hurt was overtaking me. With each step I took felt like I was going to break down. Eventually I made to the one of the beach area that didn’t have a lot of people and I was able to sit on the grass with no one close to me and I cried. I couldn’t help it I just broke down, afterwards I came back to the house the first time I cried myself to sleep. That’s how I feel a lot of the time, so overwhelmed with emotions that I have to cry or find somewhere alone to cry if I’m out. I woke up and felt I needed to walk some more and walked back to the beach area where I had cried earlier and wrote a poem. Its now day eleven of me crying. While I was out the second time I notice I started feeling anger towards everything and everyone. When I walked in crowed areas that anger grew worst, like I couldn’t stand them and wanted to scream out fuck everybody.
I notice that I’m feeling more angry lately, not at any one person but at people, nature, the world everything and everyone. I didn’t want to be near anyone, forget not having any kind of physical contact with people, I now don’t even want to be near anyone. Perhaps I’m losing my connect with people, if not already perhaps I’m beginning to shut myself off from them as another way of guarding myself but learning from the mistake that got me here in the first place. I was guarded but I still interact with people, still laugh, party and socialize which lead to me falling in love because there was weakness in my walls. She broke through those weakness and I fall in love with her as a result. I was still connect with people, the way I’m feeling now I want to completely break that connection and just do my own thing with as little human contact as possible. In a world of 6 billion and a very social world that’s going to be difficult to do especially with me going to be a pilot.
I think love, friendship, family, things like that isn’t for me. They have brought me a great deal of pain and I believe its now time to accept and embrace what I’ve been trying to avoid. I’m a loner, a lonely person, love and a family are things I’ll never have. The more I try to get it the more I’ll get hurt. So I need to learn to accept the reality of my life and completely disconnect myself from everyone but my sister. What I’m going through with her is killing me and maybe this is what need to happen, I need to die so I can begin to reshape my life to a more isolated one. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been stuck out here for so long, perhaps that’s why she choose this time to fall out of love with me, God’s way of taking everything away from me to teach me that I don’t need them, they weren’t mine to begin with and things like those I’ll never have. Perhaps I’m here so I can learn to be alone…
(first written Saturday June 19, 2010)