Thursday, July 1, 2010

Joining The Dark Side

Throughout my life I’ve always felt there is an ongoing battle in my head; a battle for balance, peace and love. The best way I can describe it would be like the character from the Matrix trilogy; Agent Smith and Neo. Ultimately they are the same being but opposite of each other, one want peace the other want chaos or in my case just lack of emotions. I feel there’s a constant struggle in my head for peace base on the things I’ve gone through in life. I notice within myself at times decisions are difficult for me to make because I see both sides the pros and cons of whatever I’m deciding equally. I want to be love yet I want to not have anything to do with anyone. I’m a social person yet a loner at the same time. I do what’s right though at times I can for nothing. I’m both black and white, positive and negative, ying and yang. At times like right now I just want to be angry, not care, not give a fuck and whatever happens just happens. Yet on the other hand there’s a part of me that find beauty in everything, love the world and is a humanitarian and environmentalist. But right now, right at this moment I feel the battle for my mind and ultimately my soul will soon be in the hands of the dark side. I’m not a big Star War’s fan, I’ll admit that I’ve only watched one of the movies but like the character Anakin Skywalker plague by tragic life changing experiences who eventually became Darth Vader, I too feel its only a matter of time before I join the dark side. After losing his wife, Padmé Amidala, Anakin lost hope and faith. The rage and pain of so many years of hurt despite being a Jedi finally consumed him with her death. That’s how I feel like, the years of hurt and pain feeling like I’m finally being consumed by it now that the one I’ve love the most is now gone. My heart can’t seem to take it anymore; I’m angry, lost of patients, seem to be numb of other emotions other than rage. Now, all that’s left is the dark side, all that’s left is my rage and anger. What I’m going through seem to be the final straw, the last hope in my life long battle of peace and love seem to now be gone now that I’m without her love. Agent Smith will soon consume me, I’m crossing over to the Sith to become Darth Vader. My life long battle for mental and emotional peace probably has come to an end and the good guys didn’t win. Agent Smith and Darth Vader will soon have control…

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