Monday, January 17, 2011

The Paradox of Love

I’m emotionally out of it. Emotionally I’ve check out. The only emotions I seem to have now is anger and sadness, beyond that I’m numb. Once more I’m having restless nights, having these weird dreams and dreaming constantly about her. My mind, body, heart and soul is in turmoil. Its like being in a barrel while its rolling down the side of a hill, nothing make sense. I can’t even focus on part of the project I've committed myself to completing the story; my thoughts of her, tears and anger over the situation has me exsiting instead of living. Lately, again, I’ve cried myself to sleep, that’s the only way I’ve been able to get any rest, if you want to call it that, pass a few hours. I don’t think I’ve gone a night since the year started without dreaming about her in some way.

Is this the love that so many people want to be in? Am I the only person who sees it for the pain that it is and want nothing to do with it? Love is an evil paradox; when things are good you feel alive, on top of the world, like you can do anything. You feel great and okay with the world, your high on life. But when things are bad, it suck the life out of you. It bring you down faster than gravity. The pain and hurt you feel is enough to make you want to take your life, it destroys you for the inside out. Love is one fuck up paradox which I’m at the bad end of.

Last night in the mist of my tears I went inside the bathroom, cried there for a few minutes then reach for the bottle of Advil… Well, leave it to me to be technical about things; the bottle said expired 12/10 so I assumed they are no longer affective. My life is a sad Italian romance with American drama. All that remain is the tragic end cause by hopelessness. Going to see if I can force myself back to sleep.

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