Monday, May 16, 2011
My experience here in Jamaica is coming to an end, hopefully. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. As I sit and reflection on the journey I've made I'm tearful. It wasn't easy and still not easy as I'm writing this. I've gone through some very emotional experiences and to a large part still going through them. Me leaving Jamaica won't be the end of my tears but it will be the beginning of me understanding something that I've had to dwelt with very painfully; isolation. I'm learning very painfully to be alone both emotionally and physically, I'm learning very painful to enjoy my own company, to love only me. I'm once again learning detachment and voluntary isolation. What happened between her and I broke me, it nearly destroyed me. I don't know how or where I got the strength from but somehow, someway I made it through. I'll admit I'm not completely through it, I'm not over her; I'm very much in love with her. I would want nothing else but to return to the family I see in and with her but I know that won't happen. It is something I have to painfully expect and get through. As a combination of mostly that experience and being away from everything and those I hold dear I'm learning that it is nice again okay to be alone; physically and emotionally. In the past year I've detach myself for almost everyone I know. I think collectively both in Jamaica and in the U.S. I talk to about 20 people and if your referring to on a more personal level that number perhaps is reduce to less than half. Love and life painfully is teaching me that less is more, few is better and safer and love is pain. I wish things were different, I believe I was on a path a different path, a more loving, socialable and family oriented path with her and those I had back in LA. Now the path I'm on is void of that, void of most emotions, void of affection and interactions. I'm starting to feel great being alone, starting to feel comfortable not being around anyone. And as my love slowly and painfully fade away for Dee it is replaced with the understanding and acceptance that life is an isolated one. You were born alone, most of us live alone and we will all die alone. I still believe that humans are social creatures, we want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known and we want friends. But I now believe that won't be me, each time I try to be that person the experience end painfully usually with me in constant tears while those who I care for and even love move on happily as if I wasn't even a thought. That's a torturing experience to endure, the one you love loving someone else and as you sit there crying begging for another chance they treat your feelings as if it wasn't important enough to stop and understand that someone love them more than life itself. I don't want to feel and experience that anymore, I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore. I don't want to be betrayed by friends and love anymore so now the path I'm on is a lonely one. I understand and whether I accept this or not all the sign are clear as day so I'm learning once again, I'm learning to live an isolated life.