Someone's Regret

Throughout my life with the women that I’ve encountered I’ve wish things were different with them and I. Wish I would have did things differently or not done certain things. But the stories all seem to be the same; I’m the one that misses them, I’m the one that don’t want to live my life without them and I’m the one that regret how things turned out. It’s a torturing feeling, you feel like you’re the problem, like you’re the one that did something wrong and what’s worst you’re the one left in tears and broken heart. But for once, I would like to be the one someone can’t live without. For once I want to be the one someone feel they have to have in their life and would do anything to have back. I want to be someone’s regret, that person she look at and realize she made a mistake letting go or not fighting to hold on to. I want to be that person that she can't get out of her head, she constantly dream of, that person that she feel so deeply for that life isn't worth living without. I’m left feeling empty, broken, rejected and alone because there’s someone I don’t want to live without someone I love with all my heart but can’t be with. For once I want to know what it feel like to have someone beg for me and cry over me, to tell me she's madly in love with me, for once I want someone to feel for me what I’m feeling right now for her.

Endless Sleep

I wonder why God allow me to wake up this morning. Why does he want me to see another day, I see no point in me taking up valuable space on this planet or any other planet, using precious air that can go to someone more deserving. There’s no life in me, no energy to want to live. I’m existing in this world, not living. If only I have to strength to remove myself from this world, remove myself and be done with it. Why do I wake up each moving, why must I endure another day, minute, second in this world. This feels like I dream yet I’m wake awake, I can’t escape or change what’s going on. I’m force to watch my life dissolve before my eyes…. Starting to get another headache, I wish I was dead, I want all of this to be over with.

The Paradox of Love

I’m emotionally out of it. Emotionally I’ve check out. The only emotions I seem to have now is anger and sadness, beyond that I’m numb. Once more I’m having restless nights, having these weird dreams and dreaming constantly about her. My mind, body, heart and soul is in turmoil. Its like being in a barrel while its rolling down the side of a hill, nothing make sense. I can’t even focus on part of the project I've committed myself to completing the story; my thoughts of her, tears and anger over the situation has me exsiting instead of living. Lately, again, I’ve cried myself to sleep, that’s the only way I’ve been able to get any rest, if you want to call it that, pass a few hours. I don’t think I’ve gone a night since the year started without dreaming about her in some way.

Is this the love that so many people want to be in? Am I the only person who sees it for the pain that it is and want nothing to do with it? Love is an evil paradox; when things are good you feel alive, on top of the world, like you can do anything. You feel great and okay with the world, your high on life. But when things are bad, it suck the life out of you. It bring you down faster than gravity. The pain and hurt you feel is enough to make you want to take your life, it destroys you for the inside out. Love is one fuck up paradox which I’m at the bad end of.

Last night in the mist of my tears I went inside the bathroom, cried there for a few minutes then reach for the bottle of Advil… Well, leave it to me to be technical about things; the bottle said expired 12/10 so I assumed they are no longer affective. My life is a sad Italian romance with American drama. All that remain is the tragic end cause by hopelessness. Going to see if I can force myself back to sleep.

Sick... Physical?... Emotional?... Both

Being sick is never a happy feeling regardless of what form of sickness it is. Dealing with one form is bad enough but when its both emotional and physical the feeling can't be properly explained. For going on two weeks now I've been under the weather really badly; flu and bacteria like symptons. Physically its has really knocked me off my feet. Before my body took ill there's my other sickness, the emotional one of the heart. The feeling of being emotionally weak, sad, depress and the list goes on. I'm bearly holding it together emotionally but now my body too is under attack from this unknown source. I feel like my body is breaking down and its hard to tell if its because of my broken heart and state of me or because I'm phycially ill.

I don't have the physical strength nor the emotionally one to properly aid myself in this struggle. My back is killing me, head hurt, coughing like crazy and feeling weak. When I'm not doing that I'm crying, still feeling weak and depress. My entire body is a wreck and there's no to my aid. I'm physically and emotionally under the weather, what a way to end one year and start an other. But I'm trying to accept the now that I'm in, it is what it is.

Understanding

2010 is over, a new year has began. As I look back on 2010 a lot has happen, I’ve grown, I’ve learn, I’m still learning and I’m understanding. So much has happened in ways I’m still trying to understand and make sense of. Going into 2011, I’m broken, damaged, in pain and alone but I’m wiser. I’m beginning to see the world and people a lot differently and I’m becoming more cynical towards people, the world and life. Things aren’t what they appear to be, people aren’t who they say they are and when shit hit the fan the only person you can count on is YOU. 2010 perhaps by far was the most emotional and difficult year for me, I still away from my home and I’ve had to watch helpless as the one I love abandon me when I need her the most. Emotionally she was nowhere to be found. As I reached out to her for strength, comfort, support, love she pulled away, seeking comfort in the arms of others. When the going got tough, she left.

Its eating me up inside as I try to come to terms to the new reality that I’m in; tears still flow from my eyes, heart shattered and numb to the world. I now understand that pain is my comfort. I often steer aimlessly in space, in a daze and would start crying knowing how much pain I’m in, how much it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you. Looking back on 2010 I understand that life’s only purpose is to end and going into and starting 2011 I’ve asked for my life to end, I no longer fear death or is delusional like so many others who feel death isn’t constantly upon them. Unlike others, I see no purpose to my life and I welcome death to free me of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I’ve lost love and important people in 2010; my father figured past away in early December and I wasn’t able to pay my final respect, I feel I owe him that much for all that he has done for me and it burn me inside to know I’m unable to do so.

I hear people say they are living life or that I’m living or should live life, I now feel that’s bullshit. Life is an illusion of death, the reality is each moment, second, minute, hour and day we are “living” the reality is we draw one step closer to our death. The only time we were truly alive was the moment of our birth, after that we started the journey of our death. We are dead men and women walking and the illusion we give ourselves is what we do between the moment we are born and the moment we die actually matter and make a difference. It doesn’t matter what we do, we are all going to die. All we do is hurt each other with our actions and lies. As much as I am in pain right now once I die it won’t matter, the pain will go away and my life just as the lives of countless before me and countless after me won’t matter to the universe or God. My life and the life of everyone in this world is meaningless; pain and a broken heart in 2010 taught me that.

Realizing that God doesn’t answer prayers; logically he can’t answer everyone's prayers, its impossible nor does he really care is what I learned in 2010. God is a spectator and we are the game he’s watching for entertainment. Now I understand, the shit we care about, the people we care love, all of it doesn’t matter. We care for people when it fit our benefit, we love people because we are selfish and want to be love in return. We love ONLY when it benefit our needs and is easy, once it become hard we turn and run. Life is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now, love is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now. The only thing that seems to make sense now in my world is pain and death. I’m in pain but I understand and I realize why, all that remain is death to free me from this illusion.

Trying Different Things

So far the year started the same way it ended; tears and emotional pain. But I'm trying for the new year something I've thought about doing but never really given it much enegry until now. I'm being tight lip about it, doesn't ask me why but I'm not completely ready to share it with those who aren't helping me with the project plus I don't want anyone taking my idea.

I'm stepping outside my box a bit, trying things I've never done before. Its difficult working on this project simply because I'm doing something I don't like to do nor have any experience at it. But something inside me is telling me I should bring it to life so that's what I'm going to try to do. Whether its successful or not isn't the issue but if it does see the light of day I will be extremely proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.

Delusion

Sometimes we just have to accept that life isn't all that is cracked up to be. It isn't some Disney movie where everyone lives happily ever after. Sometimes, what am I talking about, often the bad guy win, the jerk get the girl and the prince, well the prince is left sitting on his white horse looking zany. I don't know if I'm becoming cyncial but this shit is for the birds for real. Fittingly enough since its coming up on that time of year I feel a bit like Ebenezer Scrooge and say, "Baa Humbug" to all this shit. Life and love is one big horror movie pretending to be a Disney classic...

Abandon

I’ve had restless nights for the past several nights. All I do now is cry, pray and write poems. I feel like I’m trapped in pain and helpless to do anything about it. Last night all I did was cry and pray; just talked to God as the tears run down my face. When I wasn’t doing that I would write a poem or try to do something; watch a movie, surf the web, etc. Nothing seem to work. I can feel my body so consumed in pain I feel numb. I socked the wall several times and felt no pain or minimal pain. At one point it felt like I was having a panic attack. I feel abandon, no longer important to her. We hardly even talk, my calls go unanswered and not returned. My instant messages go un-replied. I’m not important enough anymore to want to talk to me every chance she get like she use to a few weeks ago, now she’s dating someone so Raheem gets thrown on the back burner. All I get now is a “morning” instant message and that’s it for the whole day. The person she cared so much about, the person that was so important to her, now that she’s seeing someone its as if I’m nobody. I’ve been abandon and there’s nothing I can do about it but cry and write pathetic ass poems. Is this what people mean when they say love hurt? Cause I’m in a lot of pain right now. Even though I’m hurting from other things that’s going on in my life this right here is by far the most painful and is effecting me the most. All I do now is cry and try to find comfort in my tears…

Recurring Dream

For the past couple of night I keep having a recurring dream. It’s been so intense it has woke me up out of myself. I’m slowly getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep at night. The dream is where I’m running from a huge dragon, running all over the city trying to get somewhere. I feel if I can get to that location I would be safe from this dragon. I’m constantly running and hiding, even asking others for help but no matter where I go, how well I’m hidden the dragon always finds me. It’s like it know what I’m going to do before or as I do it. And it’s very aggressive dragon although when it finds me it couldn’t capture me; like a cat and mouse chase and the mouse is me.

For two nights in a row I’ve had this dream and I can’t make any sense of it all. I’m here trying to figure out the meaning behind the dream and others I’ve always had during the night. I know my dream i.e. my mind is trying to tell me something or figure something out but I have no idea what that is. Overall I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks but this dream in particular is adding stress during a time when I should be relaxing from all the shit that I’m dealing with while awake. It’s bad enough I’m not at peace while awake and a few while I’m asleep. Now it seems I’m not getting any at all. I can’t figure out what my subconscious part of my brain is telling me or want me to figure out and I’m losing sleep as a result, actually I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve been in a constant state of depression for over a year now but with this dream its worst and I’m getting worried, it’s freaking me out a bit.

Emotionally Alone

It feels as if I'm the only one left in the world. Yet at the same time it feels as if with so many people around I have no one to talk to. She and I have hardly spoken in the past few days; she's busy doing whatever she's doing, being interested in other guys. People who I once consider friends I feel I can't trust of communicate with anymore. I'm emotionally alone, for the past five years things were the complete opposite especially in the past three. Now I'm once again at a place where I've been before but hoped I wouldn't return, but I'm here, here again. My emotionally state of mind is parallel with my physical; no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one I feel is there for me anymore. Just isolation emotionally and physically it would seem.

It’s a re-adjustment once again. Going back to a time when I had no one, I communicate with no one, just like now back them because of circumstance in life I was alone is all sense of the world. Just as with then, now I feel it’s just me, left with my feelings for someone I can't share towards, feelings and now believing I have no one in my corner, feeling as if there's a impossible mountain in front of me that I must climb and feeling just cut off from the world.

I'm trying to accept things as they are right now, trying to suppress my feelings for her, put her out of my mind, fight the urge to want to talk to her because it’s clear she doesn't want to talk to me nor am I on her mind. I have to learn to only communicate with myself, once again find joy in this isolation, and find happiness knowing I'm not happy. Just like before I have to realize and understand I have no friends, I seem to be place on this earth to be alone, to not find joy in the simple things in life, human interaction. I'm going to an extremely emotional and difficult moment in my life and one thing for sure is certain, I'm in it by myself and when I emerge for this experience I will continue to be by myself.