Drinking Isn’t For Me

I tried the drinking and its obvious it isn’t for me and something I’ll never do again. I couldn’t drown my sorrows in alcohol. I couldn’t even get drunk, at most all I got was really tipsy. My body rejected the alcohol and I threw up. The only good thing that came from that experience was I slept like a baby that night. The pain I’m feeling I’m going to have to endure it sober until it eventually go away. I don’t know how some people can drink on a regular or drink to the point where they get drunk and pass out. I was tipsy but still functional and couldn’t get myself to the point of being drunk like I wanted to. I wanted to drink so I wouldn’t have to think about her, wouldn’t have to think about anything or feel anything. Just drink until I can’t stand and pass out; I failed at that attempt. I suppose for me, I’ll never find escape at the bottom of a bottle and maybe God doesn’t want me to either. Either way, all that happened was I got tipsy, I threw up, went to bed and because I didn’t have anything in the system when I drank the next morning my stomach wasn’t feeling right; I didn’t even come close to getting a hangover. How do you fail at getting drunk hahaha. I never liked alcohol and this experience has proven that I never will. Drinking just isn’t for me…

I'm Out Of Control

I don’t know what to do, I feel out of control. I’m feeling lost and confused. I’m in a place both physically, spiritually, and emotionally that I’ve never been before, its unfamiliar and scary. I’m at my breaking point and I don’t know what to do or where to turn or who to turn to. I know I’m not losing my mind but it feel like I have no control over my thoughts anymore, my brain thinks what it want to think and there’s nothing I can do about it. The moment and time I’m in is really testing my will and strength, I’m so broken, so weak, so alone, all I would to do is sleep or drown my sorrows away with something, anything that would give me a moment of escape. I can honestly say I’m at a point now where I’m lost in mind, heart and life. I still have the goals I want to achieve but I don’t know how I’m going to reach them. I’m at a cliff and on the other side of another cliff are my goals, future, life but there’s no bridge, no path to get me from where I am to the other side so I can achieve all that I want; its just a huge gap between me and the future and it scares me. I feel powerless and have no control anymore, only pain, hurt and frustration. Its like my chain links are weaken and is about to break, no longer do I feel strong like I can do anything achieve any goal and be the great person I once thought I would be before all of this happened. I’ve lost control over myself or at least I feel that way and its scaring the shit out of me.

Decisions

What would you say if I told you I love you?
What would you say if I told you I need you, that you are the air I breathe, you give me life.
You are the beat of my heart, the smile on my face, what would you say if I told you I miss you, I long to feel your touch, long to kiss you, long to have you close.
What would you do if I tell you I’m lost without you, I feel empty being away from you, you are the reason I found joy in my heart.
What would you do if I tell you I love you and don’t want to love anyone else, my heart belong to you, I see forever in your eyes, I feel forever in your touch, I want our lives to be one.
What would you do if I tell you all these things, would you believe me, would you love me in return, would you trust me with your heart?
What would you do because I’m ready to love you and give you all of me.

Rebuilding a Heart

It takes seconds to destroy something; a building, family, friendship, romance, the heart. But it takes months, years or in some case never to build from the ruins or rebuild what was destroyed. Case in point its been nine years and nothing has been build on the Word Trade site. It’s much easier to destroy something than it is to fix it and the heart is no different. My heart has been destroyed and the destruction stage is proven to be very difficult to get pass and remove. When something is destroyed say like a building, again lets take the World Trade Towers for example. It took weeks to clear the debris, it was a slow step by step process. First you had to search for survivors i.e. hope, just as with a broken heart you hope that there’s still a chance something is there, something to hold on to, something to fight to save. Then come the recovery stage of those lost, the realization that all hope is lost. After that passes come the removal of debris and that could be difficult. The pain of knowing you can’t get back what was lost, you can’t undo it yet you can’t stay the way you are, you can’t leave things as is because it’s a constant reminder of what you lost. The recovery and removal stage can be the most painful and long lasting stage of building something over something that was lost or trying to rebuild what was lost. Even after you clear the debris, sometimes its just too emotionally difficult to rebuild in that area; its too difficult to love again, to trust again, to have faith again. So like the WTC site a void is left, a big empty hole is left where once memories and something whole was. The moving on process can take years or never to get past and that’s the challenge part, getting to a point after the destruction, after searching for hope, and after removing what was damage, to be able to move on.

I’m at the point now where these debris are too high, too much damage, too much pain. I can’t see anything past the pain as if there’s no future but that pain. I have to find a way to clear all of this mess and I don’t know how long that will take, I don’t know if once I’ve cleared it I’m going to be too emotionally broken and tired to do anything else. I don’t know what the future looks like. Once I do clear the broken pieces of my heart like the WTC, will there be an empty hole with nothing to fill it, will it be too painful to move on from what happened or will I find the strength to rebuild; to trust, have faith and love again. I honestly don’t know, right now I want all these broken pieces, the pain, the tears, the hurt to go away. I can’t see anything past what I’m currently feeling and its painful. This stage, this process is extremely difficult and challenging for me and I want to get past it. If I am like the WTC where nine years later there’s still a hole then so be it, I’m willing to accept that over the pain I’m feeling now. I’m willing to accept that the damage emotionally was too great to rebuild as long as I’m not in all this pain; crying, being depress, constantly thinking about her, wanting to see her, talk to her, dreaming of her, wishing things were different and we were back together. I don’t want to be in this stage but I have to be as painful as it is, as much as I don’t want to be here I have to be. I’m trying to understand that the breakup, the destruction of my heart has place me on this path, this journey and now I have to go through it even though its extremely painful. Its call life and sometimes life isn’t easy or fun. Sometimes like now, its painful and dark but you go through it, whether it make you stronger you still have to go through it once you’ve been place on that path. So I’m painfully dealing with it, using my journal, blogs, walking, sleeping, whatever it takes to remove the broken pieces of my heart so my future can be clear again and I can get past this. As painful as it maybe sometimes you have no choice but to keep walking, keep removing the pieces, keep crying because that’s the path you have to take, that’s the journey life has you on at that moment.

House of Pain

I cried again today then I went into downtown. I needed to get out the house. I find that I don’t want to be in the house because I feel I’m overwhelmed by the emotions I have while here. So I went out and tried my best to stay out for as long as possible, its as if now I don’t want to be inside the house. I’m afraid to be here, alone because all I’ll do is think about the situation and feel even more pain. If I could I’ll stay out all day and only come back to the house to shower and sleep. Its not even that I socialize when I’m out but simply being in the house I feel like the only thing I do is think about it and cry. I force myself go hang out for those hours at the shop where I get my minutes, I talked to the lady and for those few hours I didn’t think about her or how I’m feeling. Ultimately, I don’t want to be around or be bothered by anyone but right now I’m willing to take the lesser of the two shit I don’t want to deal with. That’s why today I decided to go back on Facebook; the Bonifide Skillz account, not the main one. I’m going to use Facebook right now to just kill time and help it will get my mind off things. I’m not going to try and socialize much with any one individual, but be a silent observer.

This is painful, I’m lost, confused and hurt and alone; really alone. Base on what she’s told me I’m beginning to realize that this isn’t my fault, I thought it was because I was guarded but I realize I did the best I could loving her and showing her that love but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t show her what SHE needed to see and hear. She felt somethings were missing with me although I’ve showed her more love and affection than I’ve ever showed anyone before her. So why does this still hurt? Why am I the one that suffers from it and the one in tears while she’s interested and hanging out with someone else. I did the best I could, it wasn’t enough but I’m the one in the end that got dumped and my world turned upside down, I’m the one left all alone now. I did the best I could yet I’m the one who now feel bitter towards love and relationships, I’m the one who is felt feeling that relationships are now meaningless, pointless, and serve no purpose. I love her the best way I could but that wasn’t enough for her and I’m the one left in tears. I have a difficult and painful road ahead of me on my journey to heal myself from this experience. Right now I feel I don’t ever want to be in another relationship again EVER! I feel I’m meant and will always be alone. But I often here some people say, “If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans.” I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from this or will be willing to try at a relationship again, the future is uncertain now. A lot of things is uncertain, its all in God’s hands but right now, I’m damaged goods, not good to myself or anyone. I’m in a lot of pain and just ask God to give me strength and guidance through all of this because right now I need him more than ever…

God Has Taken Everything

The only thing he hasn’t taken away from me of value is my health, life and sister. He’s taken everything else from me. He’s taken away her love for me, he’s taken me away from my home and the life I had back in LA. Some people get to show the one they love that they’ve change or do love them. I don’t even get that chance, I’m fucking stuck here powerless to do anything to win her back. When I return to LA it will be to nothing. He’s taken love away from me, he want me to return to absolutely nothing. Yet this shit is suppose to make me a better and stronger person and have a positive outlook on life. I really don’t see how taken all that I hold close is going to make me look at life positively. I’ll never understand why I go through the shit I go through, I’ll never understand why some people get the opportunities they get but I don’t. The simplest things in life is the most difficult things in my life, why? I’m alone once again in this world, I have no one to call my own.

By me being here I’m gaining one thing yet I’m losing something far more valuable, love. I’ve said it and I’ll say it again, I’m losing far more than I’m gaining since I’ve been here. I’ll never understand why I go through certain shit and I’ll never understand why my life has been so painful why can’t I be like everyone else, why can’t I find love and be able to hold on to that love like some people. God has taken everything from me except what I’ve mention, he’s left me alone, without love or faith in people. Why does he punish some of his children so harshly yet go easy on others? He’s taken love away from me so I’ve decided now to live my life without it, why seek something you won’t obtain especially when the journey prove so painful. It hurt, it hurt but I guess I’m strong so eventually I’ll get through this but I thought I would be forgiven and granted a second chance with the one I love. I was such a fool to think that, such a fool to have faith in love, to have faith in her, such a fool to have faith in the world. I’m with nothing so with nothing is where I shall stay.

Love Is Dead To Me Now

I’m done playing God’s love game. Fuck it, all my life its been one bad outcome after another with women and this is the last fucking straw. This one hurt the most and the wound is deep. I’m done with this shit. I see now regardless of if I try my best or don’t do shit at all its not going to work with any woman. So why deal with the shit anymore. This girl will be the last person I ever fall in love with, she will be the last person I allow to get this close to me EVER again. God place us on here, he put experiences in our path to see how we handle them. Ever woman he has place in my life that meant something to me, i.e. I had feelings for them has always goes sour. So I’m making the decision that no matter how many women he place in front of me from this day fourth I’m going to turn and walk the other way. I just don’t want to go through this shit anymore.

Some people aren’t meant to be with anyone, some people aren’t meant to have that happily ever after. Its clear now I’m that person so I need to stop fooling myself and accept the shit for what it is. I swear to God I’ll never give my heart to another person again. I’m going to live my life to the fullest, do all that I’ve ever wanted to do, go to all the places I’ve ever wanted to visit but I’m going to do it alone. It seems and its clear now that my best isn’t good enough for neither her or him (God) or for anyone. I tried so hard in loving her, to show her that I do love her but it wasn’t it wasn’t enough. How can your best not be enough? I’ve gone through a lot of shit in my life, a lot of shit that has traumatize with mostly with women i.e. my mother and others. Its left me guarded with my feelings, no being able to show physical affection and at times be none verbal with my feelings. With her I did my best to break that cycle; I was open as best I could, I did show her as best I could through my actions and things I didn't say or said, but she basically told me it wasn’t enough. She figured in 1 ½ yrs I should have been able to change 28yrs worth of damage that was down to me emotionally, open up and let all my walls down just like that. Its not just with her, all other woman I’ve fallen for there’s been something or another; cheated on, breaking up with me without even an explaination, believing others over me and so on.

One would say, maybe it’s not the women but maybe its me, maybe I'm fallen for all the wrong kind of women. If that’s true then I’m making the stand to step out of the game, retiring so to speak. Love is dead to me now and it died on Thursday June 24, 2010. If I’m ever to fall in love again, God himself would have to come down and tell me that she’s the one otherwise fuck it. I’m so tired of this, so tired of being the one who hurt the most, so tired of being the one left crying and so tired of people saying its going to be okay, she wasn’t the one. Well guess what? One will be the one. I’ve loved for the last time, I’m done dealing with people closely, done caring and feeling. That shit is for the birds for real, once I’m fully over her that’s it, it ends with her. God plays some cruel games so I’m going to stop playing his love games. After tonight my focus is getting over my feeling for her and locking my heart away. Some people just isn’t meant for that love this, I guess I’m one of those people. I’m tired of it and I’m not going to do it anymore.

Whoever reads this I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I hope you aren't sorry for me, if you are, don't be, I'm not. The shit is what it fucking is and that's all its going to be.

Current Feeling: Complete rage
Current Mood: Don't even give a shit anymore

Six Billion Alone

I wrote a poem earlier called “6 Billion Alone” to describe how I’m feeling once again. So many people on this planet yet I feel completely alone. I feel like I have no one for me anymore. Its amazing how love can make you feel, on one hand love can make you feel on top of the world, you feel you can do anything, you feel safe, protected, loved. Yet on the other hand love or in my case when its gone can make you feel like you have no on in the world to turn to. You feel abandoned, you feel scared and you feel lost and alone. I’m feeling all of that now that I don’t have someone that loves me, I feel like I’m back to square one.

We are social creatures but not I don’t feel like being social with anyone, the few people who I’m social with and talk it its because I have to other than that I don’t talk to anyone which at or rather promote me feel that much more alone. One person, one person out of six plus billion people has left my life, took her love away and now I feel like shit, feel like the world is empty with me the only one in it. There’s nothing I can do except work on healing myself, picking myself up off the ground, reminding myself to smile, get out of bed and brush my teeth in the morning, live life the best I can despite my lost and the pain I’m feeling. Six billion people on this blue planet yet I feel completely alone.

Two Week Check Up

Today marks two weeks since I had that talk with her that lead to how I’m feeling now I thought I’ll give myself alittle update to see what’s going on. I’ve eaten again so this mark twice that I’ve ate something in eleven days. My appetite maybe slowly returning, I find myself feeling for certain foods though I still wouldn’t eat. Today I ate some cookies and a few pieces of banana chips, whether I eat anything again for the rest of the day is still a question but at least I ate something no matter how small it was.

So far I haven’t cried and if it remain that way I would have ended fourteen straight days of tears. Its not that emotionally I’m okay, I’m still sad and depress but I think instead of challenging my pain through my tears I’m internalizing it. I’m calm yet emotionally quiet as if I had no emotions like I don’t care about anything anymore, its that whatever mindset. I know I’m far from okay and just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean that things are getting better I’m perhaps at the point where I’m choosing a different way to express and deal with the pain.

I still haven’t shaved, cut my hair or remove the covers all the mirrors though I have seen reflections of myself. Doing those things doesn’t matter to me anymore, I really don’t care how I look or care if someone think I’m unattractive because I’m not groomed. Nor do I really want to look at myself anyway, just doesn’t seem to concern me at the moment.

All and all its still a day to day situation. I try not to think about her as much now but I still do. My told me, “There’s nothing you can do about it so stop trying to get into her head” and that’s what I’ve been working on, not thinking about what she’s doing whether or not she’s talking to or hanging out with the guy she’s interested in. I try not to talk to her as much although I really and truly miss our conversations. I do check how she’s doing because of the car accident she was in. Last night we spoke for almost three hours on the phone and if felt so good just to hear her voice, laugh with her, it felt like things were going to be okay with us but deep down I wasn’t sure, deep down knew I was only fooling myself in thinking that way.

I still haven’t gone back on Facebook but I did check in on my Twitter. I’ve thought about going back on my less popular Facebook account but again, I don’t see the point in doing so. If I do go back anytime soon it would be because I’m extremely bored with nothing to do. I don’t want to have any direct contact or interactions with anyone anymore. I still don’t talk to anyone on my messengers except obviously her, my sister and my friend who's helping me through this but I haven’t talked her in a day. I don’t care to talk to anyone or want to deal with anyone, another friend has tried to contact twice on Yahoo! Messenger but I ignored her and that’s how I’ve treated people who attempted to reach out to me.

Two weeks have pass, I’m still hurt, still in a lot of pain, still don’t want to talk or really deal with anyone. Just want to be to myself and my thoughts as I deal with this, my improvement won’t be measured over days but rather time; weeks or months. Lets see how the next two weeks turn out…

Mother's Maternal Bond

Yesterday I spoke to my mom and she told me she was checking on me because she’s had two dreams in the past few days or weeks where she was holding me while I was crying. She doesn’t know that I’ve been crying for fourteen days now and I’m surprised and amazed that she would dream something like that during a time that I’ve been in so much pain. I haven’t seen my mom obviously is a year and our relationship isn’t the best or the most connected to begin with yet I suppose the maternal bond between a mother and her child is never broken. Instinctively my mother feels there’s something wrong with me thus she dream of me crying and I suppose instinctively she want to be there for me and protect me. If only she knew how accurate her dreams are. I lied and told her I was okay knowing its far from the truth. As much as its touching and heart felt that my mother would have such dreams the reality is she’s not the affectionate and consoling type. If I were to explain to her in detail what’s going on she would give me some cut and dry response and say something like, “You’re a man, get over it. Fuck her, etc, etc.” No compassion what so ever and right now what I perhaps need the most is compassion, to know that its going to be okay and there’s someone there for me if and when I need them. This would be a great time to have a wonderful relationship with my mom so I could turn to her for advice, comfort, protection and overall love. But my mother and I don’t have that kind of relationship, plus I’ve never been the one to express my emotions in detail with my her. Perhaps why I have a difficult time expressing my feelings and emotions with those I really care about but that’s for another time to discuss. Internally my mother know there’s something wrong with her son, its one of those parent things that I guess you can’t understand unless you yourself is a parent. I wanted to tell her what is going on, want her to be there for me but I know she wouldn’t give me the kind of affection I would need in this particular situation. It’s moments like these where I wish my mom and I had a better relationship, I wish I had the ideal relationship with her because right now, right now is where I really, really need her. Right now with what I’m dealing with is where a child would need the comfort, love, understanding, care and protection of his mother and the love and feeling only a mother can give. If only she knew how on point her dreams were, I wish things were different but they’re not. This does prove that no matter how good or bad the relationship with your parent is or the distance between the two of you, there will always be a maternal bond that connects you.