Yaad 2 Yard’s Progress

Yaad2Yard is up and running on Facebook and I'm nervous about it. Its like watching your baby take their first step, your mindful of ever movement they make and your primary concern is their safety; or as in my case how well the page will be received and will anyone purchase someone. I find myself more interested in the negative feedback, if any, from people who visit or buy from me. But overall I'm both excited and nervous. This is a small accomplishment for me, the page represent that I'm trying to do something especially something I've never done before. I want people to like the stuff on there but I know not everyone will. Some will like what I offer but find the price high. So Yaad2Yard is official public now, I'm a business own once again. That phase was the easy part, the next phase and the next challenge is to make it profitable.

Music Listening

I’m slowly able to start listening to music again. A few weeks ago I played some classical music for the first time this year and earlier this evening I played some jazz music. Overall playing any kind of music make me sad and I definitely still have a hard listening to any R&B music. No matter where I am and I hear it I try to tone it out but I would always get depress by it. Crazy enough jazz and classical though I feel like I’m rediscovering music again if I play it too much like I would normally do with that kind of music I would then start to feel lonely. Its difficult doing through what I’m dealing with and one would think music would be something to help relax me but for the most part in only make the pain hurt more. Little by little I’m going to play more jazz and classical music, after those are my favorite genres beside R&B. But R&B is definitely off the menu until further notice, just can’ handle it. Its weird to actually go through the day purposely avoiding listening or playing any form or music. I suppose its one of those things that has changed with me….

Learning Isolation

My experience here in Jamaica is coming to an end, hopefully. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. As I sit and reflection on the journey I've made I'm tearful. It wasn't easy and still not easy as I'm writing this. I've gone through some very emotional experiences and to a large part still going through them. Me leaving Jamaica won't be the end of my tears but it will be the beginning of me understanding something that I've had to dwelt with very painfully; isolation. I'm learning very painfully to be alone both emotionally and physically, I'm learning very painful to enjoy my own company, to love only me. I'm once again learning detachment and voluntary isolation. What happened between her and I broke me, it nearly destroyed me. I don't know how or where I got the strength from but somehow, someway I made it through. I'll admit I'm not completely through it, I'm not over her; I'm very much in love with her. I would want nothing else but to return to the family I see in and with her but I know that won't happen. It is something I have to painfully expect and get through. As a combination of mostly that experience and being away from everything and those I hold dear I'm learning that it is nice again okay to be alone; physically and emotionally. In the past year I've detach myself for almost everyone I know. I think collectively both in Jamaica and in the U.S. I talk to about 20 people and if your referring to on a more personal level that number perhaps is reduce to less than half. Love and life painfully is teaching me that less is more, few is better and safer and love is pain. I wish things were different, I believe I was on a path a different path, a more loving, socialable and family oriented path with her and those I had back in LA. Now the path I'm on is void of that, void of most emotions, void of affection and interactions. I'm starting to feel great being alone, starting to feel comfortable not being around anyone. And as my love slowly and painfully fade away for Dee it is replaced with the understanding and acceptance that life is an isolated one. You were born alone, most of us live alone and we will all die alone. I still believe that humans are social creatures, we want to be loved, we want to be accepted, we want to be known and we want friends. But I now believe that won't be me, each time I try to be that person the experience end painfully usually with me in constant tears while those who I care for and even love move on happily as if I wasn't even a thought. That's a torturing experience to endure, the one you love loving someone else and as you sit there crying begging for another chance they treat your feelings as if it wasn't important enough to stop and understand that someone love them more than life itself. I don't want to feel and experience that anymore, I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore. I don't want to be betrayed by friends and love anymore so now the path I'm on is a lonely one. I understand and whether I accept this or not all the sign are clear as day so I'm learning once again, I'm learning to live an isolated life.

First Negril Trip

Yesterday I went to Negril for the first time. The trip to Negril was fun. I actually had a good time with everyone. There were a few moments when I was sad because I missed her even more than normal and I would have love for her to experienced seeing Negril for the first time with me, and times when I was irritated with some of the people there and just wanted to be alone. But overall the trip was fun. Negril is a bit different from the other beaches I’ve been to in Jamaica yet similar to beaches in L.A. There’s not division of the beach, nothing is dividing property lines or off limits. It reminded me of going to Venice beach then going to Santa Monica Pier or going the other way to Redondo Beach of other beaches. I like and prefer that type of beach than what is typical of most beaches in Jamaica. And the water is shallow and it extend for about 70-80 meters into the water. Non swimmers could be our very far into the water and still could comfortable touch the ground. The view was typical of the natural landscape and curvature of the island. I didn’t know what to expect going there for the first time and through once I was there I was surprise there wasn’t more to Negirl given how its very popular both on and off the island but it was still a memory and experience I won’t forget. Even on the drive to Negril which took about 45mins from Montego Bay was a great experience. I saw famous hotels, landmarks, great scenario and learned a bit more about Jamaica’s history. As my stay here is coming to an end Negril was a place I wanted to visit before I leave and I’m glad I did. I was the only place I wanted to visit before leaving that I hadn’t until now.

Below are some of the photos from that trip, click on photo to enlarge.

Better To Have Loved

The person who coined the phrase, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all” is full of shit and must not have loved before or as deeply as most. I’m in a lot of emotional pain over her, I can’t sleep, I still cry, my body feel weak and when I do sleep I don’t get any rest. Nothing bring me joy, I’ve lost feelings for most things and several times I wanted to end my life. How is it better that I experience all these things than to not have at all? I’m an emotional wreck, all I do is think about her and those thoughts bring tears to my eyes and more pain to my heart. I would have been better off not to have loved her, I wouldn’t be in so much pain right now. I wouldn’t be here wishing for her love, wishing we were together. I feel like a fucking foul, in love with someone who doesn’t love me. Thinking about someone who is hugged up with someone as happy as can be. Instead of me being over the moon with joy about returning to LA soon my heart is broken over her. I’m suppose to be happy right now but I can’t. My heart can’t experience joy and sadness at the same time and all I feel right now is pain, pain and more pain. I’m deeply in love with her and that love is causing me a great deal of pain but base on that statement its what best for me. The more I love the more I realize how painful love is and the more I hate and is afraid of that feeling. I’m hurt and I’m in love…

Proud Moment

This two images represent a proud moment for me today. I've accomplished something I never dreamed of doing while in Jamaica. I'm amazed at myself for the path I'm on as represented by those images. I'm still not visually or for the most part internally excited but deep down I'm happy I am proud of myself. I still have a long way to go, this is only the beginning but "the journey of a thousand miles begin with one step" and this mark my first step. I've gone through a lot in life, I've gone through a lot these past two years and I'm still going through a lot emotionally but despite the pain I'm feeling I'm still trying to find ways to help myself accomplish certain goals. The road behind me wasn't easy and the road ahead won't be either but I'm walking step by step. I have little emotions to show but trust me when I say if I could smile I'll have one from ear to ear. Good job Raheem, I'm proud of you.

Jamaica vs USA Soccer Match

Yesterday I went to my first football (soccer) match between U.S.A and Jamaica. It was the semi finals in a tournament for boys under 17yrs old. The tournament itself was a big deal but this particular match carried more weight; Jamaica had made it to the semi finals, they were going against the U.S. and on top of that the game was played on Jamaica Day, the day different from the country's Independence Day and you wear Jamaica colors and stuff. The people that I knew out there said they were going to go, they wanted to see Jamaica defeat the U.S., I figured I'll go, I had nothing else to do and I felt a bit of American pride and wanted to support the U.S. That has been something that has grown deeper within me since being here. Through Jamaica is my birthplace I don't consider myself Jamaican in the sense of "love of country" nor do I consider it home. I'm Americanize, I consider the U.S. my home and it is where my heart lies. Since being here I've had to defend against those in argument who want to trash the news. Most of the time not by choice, people hear my accent, presume I'm American and would direct their argument or dislike against the U.S. towards me in the form of "Your country" or "The place where you love some much" and so on. Since I feel more connected to the U.S. than Jamaica the match gave me a reason to relax a bit, enjoy something and cheer for the home team, my home team.

By the time we got to the match it already started, typical black folks and their CP time. I had no idea the volume of people that would be at the match. The ticket booth was swamped with people trying to buy last minute tickets including us. There wasn't any order to the process and everyone rushed to the window in hopes of getting a ticket. But they were sold out. People ran to various entry gate trying to see if they could get in, some wanted them to take their money and let them in without getting a ticket and others wanted to and indeed starting jumping the fence. It was a bit chaotic. It was clear that the organizers wasn't prepared from the volume that showed up nor did they have enough tickets the sell. Some people that couldn't get in stood on a fire truck to see the match, others were calling whoever they can to find out if they have an extra ticket or where they could get one. It was an event and this was a match against high school age boys that's what made it more amazing to watch. We were finally able to get some tickets which by the way wasn't tickets for that particular match. They were old tickets from 2008 when Jamaica played another team, event the location of where the ticket said was wrong. By this time it was half time of the game, I quickly found out that getting the ticket was the easy part, actually getting in was a challenge of itself.

When we got to the entry gate the best way to describe it was chaos, people were packed against the gate wanting to get in and the police on the other side literally were pushing against it trying to stop them. At one point they stop letting anyone through, bad move. The crowd went in a rage, you heard all kind of profanity and people complaining how they have their ticket and want to get in etc, etc. One of the guy I went with I followed him in the crowd and got caught in the mist of the chaos but with his determination he was able to get through the gate before they closed it. After minutes of arguing with people and trying to figure out how to handle the flood of people trying to get in the police reopen the gate, I manage to squeeze my way inside. I didn't go through all of that and was so close to getting in to not make it.

When we got in the second half already started and when we reach the bleachers we saw it was completely full. There was nowhere to stand let alone sit and hardly anywhere to walk, standing room only. But at least we were inside. The stadium was beautiful, very open and I was told it was recently built. The level of noise and cheering that took place I admit was beautiful, typical of what you see on TV when a soccer match is on. The bleachers literally were shaking from people stomping the floor and having a good time. It was hard to believe this wasn't a professional match but a match for minors. The U.S. already scored one goal in the first half but people were still supportive of Jamaica and with every touch of the ball, every goal attempt, every push into the U.S. side of the field they cheered. At this point I didn't want to verbally cheer for the U.S. around so many die hard Jamaicans especially with Jamaica down 2-0 and there's nowhere to run in the event I needed a quick exist but those I was with knew who I was going for.

Jamaica did lose by 2-0 but it was a great turn out. There was nothing but yellow, green and black colors and the support they showed up until the last minute was heart warming. Given the match was between minor I felt most of the people should have stayed to the very end to showed their continued support and encourage the kids win or lose. But overall I'm glad I went and took the experience in and saw first hand the love of football Jamaica has. It was chaotic, exciting and beautiful wrapped into one. Not the mention my home team won…. lol

My Rage is Growing

I often find myself sad when I see little kids especially little girls. Sad because I can’t help think about [____] and how much I miss her and want to return to be a part of her life as her father once again. But I know that won’t happen, there’s another man [____] has placed in her life. I turn my head when I see guys with what I presume to be their daughters because I can’t bare the sight. I miss my family so much and now that I’m able to return I just want to go back home to them. There’s a little girl I see often that’s around the same age as [____] when I left L.A., her and [____] could be sisters. It breaks my heart to look at her but I can’t take my eyes off her. I captivated by how she look so much like her and I remember painfully what I had and lost. The pain of not going back to that family add to the overall rage I’ve been feeling more and more as of late.

I’m angry and that anger is growing slowly in me. I’ve snapped at several people in the past few weeks to no faults of their own. Oddly and ironically I’ve also been more polite as I walk around Montego Bay. I find myself saying excuse me and thank you more than I normally do, which was rarely. But despite being polite on the outside I’m in rage and in pain on the inside. Now that some individuals know of my return they are expecting things to return the way they were. [____] feel and want me to return to [____] and continue as if I never left or it would be uncomfortable at [____] with [____] there or knowing that there are those that knew of the guys she dated or still dating during my absents. I’m suppose to ignore and pretend I don’t know there are those who have turned out to be more of an enemy than my friends, I’m suppose to return and act as if I never left. [____] and a comment she made a few days ago sum up how she think, expect or in her words, “I was just watching a couple of [____] videos with you narrating. I can't wait until you get back so we can have more of your silly narrations!” She feels things are going to return to the way they where, we can go back to having fun like nothing has happened. FUCK!! No one has any idea what I’ve gone through these past two year and for [____] to expect things to be all smiles when I return show her ignorance and lack of situational awareness. I can’t and won’t put myself in that situation again, it was painful with other women and it is painful now with [____] and I won’t continue to put myself through it anymore. I’m tired of this pain and if [____] and I can’t find a way to get pass this and be a family again then I’m not going to be around her in anyway and that include not going to [____]. I’ve been alone for two years, I’ve spent my entire life alone in one form or another. If that’s how I have to leave the rest of my life, alone, then so be it.

No one fucking understands the shit I went through and is going through. [____], the one person who I thought would be there and understand abandon me…… FUCK! FUCK! This shit is bullshit FUCK EVERYONE! I’m not fucking with anybody once I return fuck them. If nothing else since I’ve been here I’ve learned that people are full of shit and even those that help you and has been there for you, you can’t and shouldn’t rely and depend on no one. Its just a matter of time when things are at their worst they will abandon you and leave you hanging.

Step by Step

Today was a relaxed day, it was very beautiful day though I enjoyed it from inside the room. I spent the day sleeping and working on one of the projects I have going on. I'm still amazed at the turn around since I recieve the news that I will be allowed to return home. A few things have began to change, change in ways I wasn't expecting and in ways I never dreamed. Its hard to explain I'm amazed, proud of myself and in a state of shock and disbelief. I'm going into areas I've either never ventured before or never ventured this deeply. I don't know what to make of it or how to explain and seeing that I'm being tight lipped about it, its more difficult to explain without revealing what I'm doing and what's going on.

I'm taking things step by step. I assumed that my readjustment would begin once I return to L.A. but I'm finding out that process has already began. I've changed since I've been here with all that I've gone through. And within the past two weeks more changes have accured. With what has happened since I've been here and what I'm undertaking now my world has litterally turned upside down and I'm force to adjust whether I want to or not. But these changes that has happened within the past two weekend and one that happened last November is the kind of change I'm proud of and look forward to see the fruits of my labor. Soon, I hope to add certain titles to my name. Titles that I've either only dreamed about or never thought in my wildest dream would happen.

I'm taking things step by step like I said, well I've always been like that since I've been here. There are those who are extremely happy hearing the news of my return. Those who want things to return to the way they were or return to the way THEY want them to, THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I still haven't jumped for joy of the news. My heart was racing when the lady told me over the phone I was approved to return and I've extremely grateful and happy on the inside but it still hasn't sunk in and visually I haven't been able to express that joy. Maybe with all that I've gone through I've become numb to the feeling of joy and excitement. I understand the magnitude of the news and what it mean but it hasn't fully hit me as yet that soon I will be heading home. Perhaps because my return is still a ways away or maybe its because of the kind of L.A. I will return to that is without the one I love, the family I want to return to or the friends I thought I had. I'm not sure what the reason is but there are those who know of my return who is more excited than I am at the moment.

But today was a beautiful day the kind of day combined with the weather, it being quite and calm and me being relaxed, that I haven't had in an extremely long time.

My Return

The past several days has been a change from the normal routine of the past almost two years. I receive word from the embassy that I’m approved to return to the U.S. In that one moment my life is suddenly changed. No more will I be in limbo, not knowing if I’ll be here permanently or when I can return. Now I know, I know that I can go home soon. I can begin the plan the life I want and plan how I will achieve the objectives I’ve set for myself. In that one moment, that one conversation on the phone I felt I was given a second chance at life. Those who know of my return are overjoyed with the exception of her, the most reaction I receive from her was, “Cool… you’ll return just in time for some fun in the sun.” We haven’t even spoke on the phone about it or her express her excitement. She was the one person I thought would be the happiest, but she’s the person that expressed the lease joy. The reality is the close I get to going home and once I get home it will be the beginning of the end for Dee and I, something I never wanted. I’m happy I can go home but it hasn’t sunk in as yet. Deep down I know I’m excited, this is something I’ve waited for and wanted for almost two years now to return home and be back in the place I call home. Now that I’m returning things have changed and is beginning to change. My mood is a bit lighter, I still get depress largely thinking about Dee and knowing that I will be alone once I return and also depress that I still have awhile here. I can and will endure but I’m itching to return. It has been so long, almost two years. So much has change in ways I never dreamed or wanted. It has been a very difficult journey and learning experience for me, I’ve shed countless tears and this experience in many ways have broken and put me on my knees. But at the same time I am a stronger and I hope a better person because of it. I have a lot of emotional healing to do and readjusting to make but its another journey in life that I must take whether I want to or not, but the good news is I get to go home. There’s no doubt that as the day and hour draw near my excitement will build to the point where I won’t be able to contain myself and I know once I touchdown on American soil especially Los Angeles and see my mom and sister I will cry. After two years I will finally get to go home…

Illusion of Separation

One of the biggest deception we tell ourselves and others is we are separate from each other. The world operates on the notion we aren't connected to everything and everyone. I understand and maybe I'm one of the few people on this planet that understand we aren't separate from anything and anyone. We are all connection, those we care about and love that connection is strongest but we are connected none the less to the world. But when you're the only one that understand and realize that connection it can become a very painful experience. I'm in tremendous pain right now because I'm separated from the greatest connection I've ever experience. I'm in tremendous pain right now because I'm the only one that see that connection, I'm the only one where that connection is strong. I'm connected to someone who doesn't want to be connected to me. I'm connected to a family; sister, mother, wife, and daughter that I can't reunite with and its painful so painful my physical being can't endure the physical distance well as the emotional one. We are all connected some stronger than others but we are all connected. For the first time in my life I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone and for the first time in my life I've never wanted to break that connection like I want to now. My connection to this world, my connection to certain individuals is too painful. We were created too perfectly for us to fully handle and I'm here to say I can't handle this connection. I don't want to be connected anymore. I want to be like everyone and believe we are separate from each other. I don't want to be the wiser who know, understand and feel this connection. I cry day and night because I'm so connected, I'm crying now because all I want to do is return to be next to my connections next to the one and the ones I love. I would do anything just to have the one I feel the most connected to feel the same about me. For the first time I'm trying to break that connection with this world, with everyone in it simply because its too painful. I don't want to be in pain anymore, I don't want to be the one crying and feeling empty, alone, scared and sad. I don't want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I want to detach and unplug from everything, let me be like everyone and believe that we are separate so that I no longer will be in pain. Or better yet, take my heart away so there's no emotions for anything. I want to be detach, please break this connection, my heart can't take it anymore.

Changed Behavior

I’ve notice lately my attitude and behavior has or is changing. I don’t look at things the same way I use to, I notice that early last fall but it became more apparent recently. But now I’m seeing that my behavior towards people and the world has also changed, a bit of the person I was last summer is gone. I’m more cynical, more blunt and honest. Whereas I would see the glass as half full, though in reality its completely full with whatever liquid that’s in it and air, I now see the glass and is; just the glass, yeah I know its hard to grasp. I’m losing a part of my sympathy towards people and life. I’m grumpier now, I don’t care about certain things as much as I use to. I feel like what little compassion I had for people in general I’m losing it and that compassion is now only focus on certain individual that I care about. I’ve even though about dropping the quote I try to mold my life by, “Together Everyone Achieve More.” There’s a growing part of me that is starting not to believe that or at least starting to believe that quote doesn’t hold true for everyone and everything. Its weird because I feel like I’m a cynic, a realist, and a pessimist wrap in one. Simply put its like I don’t give a fuck anymore about the world just want to return home. I haven’t even replied to the birthday email I receive and I don’t think I’m going to reply to any of them, why should I? I honestly don’t believe their words are sincere and if they are who care, their words won’t change anything or how I’m feeling. I no longer want to be the change I wish to see in this world (another quote I live my life off). It is too painful and in the end I’m the one that end up with tears and alone. So “FUCK THE WORLD!” Whether or not the change in my attitude and behavior is a good or bad thing I don’t care, it is what it is.

Birthday Wishes

Two days after my birthday I'm still receiving birthday wishes email. For the past three days I've gotten a lot of those email from "my friends." They all say nice things; how they miss and love me, how they haven't forgotten me, things aren't the same without me and how much they look forward to seeing me again soon, blah, blah, blah. I'm sure if anyone else received the amount of emails I received it would make them smile and feel they have friends who love and care for them. Given what I'm going through and how I general feel about people and especially those that Dee and I mutually know the gesture didn't more me. If anything I was a bit annoyed and upset especially since she gave my email address out, against my instructions to keep my email address confidential, in order for them to email. Here's what some of them said…

"Joyeux Anniversaire!!!  I'm so happy to see that God has blessed you with another year. I miss you much and hope that you come home soon. I hope this message made you smile. I and I'm pretty sure many others haven't forgotten our wonderful [friend]. LOVE YOU BUNCHES."

"Hey man!

Happy Birthday!!! We all miss you DEARLY!!! It's just not the same without you. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you come home soon. Until then, I hope that you are in good spirits! Hopefully all of the bday wishes make you feel a little better. So do me a favor, crack a smile for me!!!!!"

"Happy birthday :) warm hugs from your friends on the west coast. Miss you and hope you enjoy your birthday."

"Hey Rah ……. This is your friend Tasha from Facebook …word is going around today is a special day …….. please enjoy and know that tons of people are here missing you and Wishing you a Happy Birthday ….. I will have a drink for you!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Sorry I'm late with the birthday wishes but i wanted to say happy birthday bro. I miss you and hope to have you back home. I love you bro (no homo lol).Take care of yourself and know that you have some family out here who loves you."

That's basically the general theme of all the emails. Oh, the last one was from someone who turns out to be really foul and disrespectful to me and someone I care about. Perhaps it's because of the emotional state I'm in or maybe I don't care anymore but when I received all the emails I had no desire to reply to them and I still don't. I'm purposely isolating myself from "my friends" and associates. I don't trust them or anyone for that matter. Though some of them by all accounts have truly been a good or great friend to me; sometimes the innocent have to pay for the guilty. Normally I would be happy that so many people still care about me and miss me but so what. As I'm writing this now I'm getting upset thinking about it, I think its because I don't believe them or I'm in so much people because not only of the situation I'm in but also what a few of them did and I can't stand to be around anyone or in contact with anyone. I feel betrayed by those same people who call themselves my friend, yeah, betrayed is the best way I can describe it. So their outreach instead of making me feel all warm and toasty on the inside actually upset me. I'm getting more upset as I continue to write this so let me stop…

As for what I did to celebrate my twenty ninth birthday I didn't do anything whether before during or after. Sunday, I did go to a beach party I heard people around the area talking about. Its something that goes on every Sunday at a beach that was re-opened. I'm mentioning the party because originally I didn't want to go especially since I had to pay to go on the beach but I said, "Fuck it!" I didn't have shit that day that day and I'm suppose to be enjoy my so-called birthday so I went it. I ended up winning two of the games there and won two bottle of liquor, I don't drink by the way. Later that evening this young lady introduce herself to me, she said she came over because she saw that I was standing there alone. After talking to her I found out it was her birthday. I gave her one of the bottles as a birthday gift. The day was fun because I won the games, man I'm competitive lol. On my birthday I spent most of the day drained and even more stressed. Arguing on the phone with my mom about things that's going on with my sister, feeling sick the whole day. All I wanted to do was crawl in a whole somewhere and erase my whole existence. That night I went walking downtown Montego Bay but there wasn't shit to do, this place is boring as fuck. So I went back to the house and opened the bottle I won in hopes of getting drunk and drink the day and my horrible feelings away but after two sips once again I couldn't do it. I really hate the taste of alcohol. I don't see how people can drink. So that's my birthday experience in a nut shell. People made a bigger deal about my birthday than I did which at this point I really don't give a fuck about.

Life...Pain...Death

I’m beginning not to fear death, only fearing the when and what’s on the other side. Given the current position of my life death seem to be the only thing that makes any sense now, it’s the only thing for certain I know will happen. I’ve wanted to die before, I think everyone at some point has said these words, “I wish I was died.” Sometimes life put you in positions and give you challenges where the only way out is death. But I’ve never thought about, prayed for, wish for, cried for death like this before. I'm in so much pain, I'm weak, broken and sad. I'm seeing the world as a place that is painful for me, a place where I don't belong, a place where the longer I'm here, tthe more I interact with people the more I will get hurt. I feel, I am, alone in this world. I'm alone in my tears, my pain and my hurt so why not wish for death. Not like anyone would care or lose any sleep over it, the world will continue as if I was never here...

If my life were to end today what would that mean to others, would it even matter? The obvious answer is I would no longer be around. I wouldn’t be here to talk to and or interact with. But for some people in a sense it’s already like that, so would it really matter is if I was completely gone. There are those who naturally it will affect more deeply than others but again would it truly matter since I’ve been away from them for so long? My life is not the way I want or even hope it would be I feel like it’s a life wasted, without purpose, meaning, direction or importance and without my family; any family. I’ve heard over the years that, “Life is what you make of it” and I’ve also heard that, “God knows all and sees all; he’s the alpha and the omega.” If everything is already planned that mean I have no control over my life, my life was predetermine to be this way and I’m just playing out a script.

So what good is my part in this play? What purpose do I serve in this grand production? I’m not happy with the current state of my life, I have no control over it. It isn’t what I make of it because I can’t do what I would like, be where I would like, I can’t even return home to be with what little family I have remaining. Some would stay change the state of your life if you are not happy but if there’s no purpose or meaning to me, my life, my very existence how can or will I ever be happy? It would seem that this life, this play that I’m a part of is a painful one, a lonely one, a tragedy. I’m connected to a world where I seem to have no purpose in, I’m connected to people that I love but some doesn’t love me in return, connected to people I can’t be around in other words I’m being tortured; whether by God’s grant plan or self inflected. I feel only pain, there’s no joy in me, what is my life about?

So, the question repeat itself, would it even matter if my life were to end right now? I don’t think the sudden end to my life would matter much to anyone even those that still have a connection with me, but here’s the reality, whether it matters or not life still goes on. My death wouldn’t stop life from going on, in the grant scheme of life my passing would not change the play God has written out nor would it solve anything; well it would stop the pain I’m feeling and break my connection with this world and those in it. The truth therefore is it doesn’t matter if I’m dead or not the only difference is me directly; the pain and hurt I’m feeling will be gone.

I guess I just answered my own question, the play will go on with or without me yet at the same time I have no purpose in the play, there’s no joy or happiness written for me. The person I love I won’t be with, the place I call home I won’t see, the family I have I won’t be around and the things I want to accomplish will only be dreams that tortures me while away and asleep. The only thing my death will change is the dreams and pain will stop. Whether I take my own life now or wait on God, again, it doesn’t really matter. When a life has no purpose or meaning, no significant value the outcome of said life is meaningless and without value. For me death will be the first and only time in my life where I will finally be able to rest in peace and without pain.

Fear of The Outside World

I find myself more and more afraid to go outside and be around people. It isn't that the location I'm at or going to is more physically dangerous than before but I feel more comfortable than before away from people. Today I went outside for a bit and I didn't feel right or at ease being outside and around anyone (not that I've felt totally at ease in Jamaica), I couldn't wait to return to the house and in the room. I feel more emotionally safe within the four walls I'm renting and now that her and I hardly speak I'm finding acceptance not talking to anyone for hours at a time or the entire day regardless of the venue of communication. I already stopped communicating with just about everyone from L.A. so not speaking to her as often anymore in a sense mean I don’t talk to anyone anymore from LA or here in Jamaica unless its necessary with the exception of my mom and sister. Where some people seek out others for social interaction and companionship I'm trying to avoid it, when some people get lonely if they aren't around anyone or speak to anyone it's the opposite for me. I was anti social for most of my life then during my experiences at Plei I become social, some went as far as calling me a social butterfly and "the life of the party" so to speak. But now I feel I'm surpassing the definition of that of anti social. I'm not sure what that term is call or the characteristic of such a person but I don't want to be around anyone anymore physically or emotionally nor do I want to communicate with anyone. Its like the movie, I Am Legend or Cast Away in the sense that I want to be alone in the world or at least avoid human interactions as much as possible; I feel safer and comfortable that way. The world has more people than ever before, 7 billion and counting. I'm trying to avoid interacting with those 7 billion, its less painful that way.

Family Coat of Arms

For several years I've wanted to create a family coat of arms; something that says and symbolize my family or the family I've created. I like the idea of a family or more specific my family being represented visually. Cities, states, countries and companies alike all have something visual that says this is us, this is what we stand for. That idea has grown more over the past maybe three years, I've toy with brainstorm ideas of what I want the coat of arms to look like. Today I finally put those idea down on paper. I went online research a bit, found COAs that best represent what I stand for and what I want my family to stand for. Ironically I'm creating a COA for a family with only one member, down from three in the sense that I'm the only one with my last night; how pathetic is that, I no longer have a family yet I'm creating something that represent a family (que violin music). But before I display the images and meaning behind the COA I'm working on I thought I would provide a bit of history behind the concept; perhaps it will inspire you to create your own for your family granted there are more than one member in your family.

A coat of arms is, strictly speaking, a distinctive heraldic design on a tunic used to cover and protect armour, but the term is more broadly applied to mean a full heraldic achievement which consists of a shield and certain accessories. In either sense, the design is a symbol unique to a person, family, corporation, or state. Such displays are also commonly called armorial bearings, armorial devices, heraldic devices, or arms.

Historically, armorial bearings were first used by feudal lords and knights in the mid-12th century on battlefields as a way to identify allied from enemy soldiers. As the uses for heraldic designs expanded, other social classes who never would march in battle began to assume arms for themselves. Initially, those closest to the lords and knights adopted arms, such as persons employed as squires that would be in common contact with the armorial devices. Then priests and other ecclesiastical dignities adopted coats of arms, usually to be used as seals and other such insignia, and then towns and cities to likewise seal and authenticate documents.

In the heraldic traditions of England and Scotland an individual, rather than a family, had a coat of arms. In those traditions coats of arms are legal property transmitted from father to son; wives and daughters could also bear arms modified to indicate their relation to the current holder of the arms. Undifferenced arms are used only by one person at any given time. Other descendants of the original bearer could bear the ancestral arms only with some difference: usually a color change or the addition of a distinguishing charge. One such charge is the label, which in British usage (outside the Royal Family) is now always the mark of an heir apparent or (in Scotland) an heir presumptive.

Because of their importance in identification, particularly in seals on legal documents, the use of arms was strictly regulated; few countries continue in this today. This has been carried out by heralds and the study of coats of arms is therefore called "heraldry". Some other traditions (e.g., Polish heraldry) are less restrictive — allowing, for example, all members of a dynastic house or family to use the same arms, although one or more elements may be reserved to the head of the house.

In time, the use of arms spread from military entities to educational institutes, and other establishments. According to a design institute article, "The modern logo and corporate livery have evolved from the battle standard and military uniform of medieval times". In the 21st century, coats of arms are still in use by a variety of institutions and individuals; for example, universities have guidelines on how their coats of arms may be used, and protect their use as trademarks. Many societies exist that also aid in the design and registration of personal arms, and some nations, like England and Scotland, still maintain to this day the mediaeval authorities that grant and regulate arms.

Now that you know what a COA is and the history behind it here is my early concept of what my COA will look like. Then I will explain the representation behind the COA

Coat of Arms



Explanation: In chosing my COA like I mention above, I want something that represent who I am and in extention the family I've created (in reality its just me). Everything about that COA represent something I strongly believe in and hold true to. When you see that COA its like the mission statement of a company, its says what I stand for, believe in and its what make me who I am. I'm changing, obviously, the COA around to suite who I am, colors symbols etc. so the explanation below will not match the sample photo above. I also didn't go into detail about the colors I'm chosing simply because for the blog it doesn't serve much purpose, but, I hope you can still visualize what I'm trying to create.

Meaning & Symbols: The rays behind the dove and top banner represent the sun and may it always shine over the family. The dove represents peace within the family. The crown atop the helmet symbolizes the grace and dignity that’s within the family and say, no matter where we go or what circumstance that lay in front of us we will always as a family and individuals of the family carry ourselves above the rest. Our family believe in being there for each other during good times and bad times, we are each other’s keeper, we are hard head, stubborn, we are committed and loyal to each other.

The helmet depict that commitment and the key on the helmet symbolize that our commitment is the key to our family strength. On the shield the picture of chains represents teamwork and strength; we as a family are only as strong as our weakest link. So the family must and will always work together to improve on our individual and collective strengths but also work equally hard to turn our weakness into strengths. Ying and Yang symbolize balance and without balance the family will be in chaos. It is that balance that will keep our family as one, that balance that the foundation of the family rest on.

The praying hands symbolize faith and trust in each other, the only way we will survive as a family is if we support and believe in each other. Each family member is responsible for doing his or her part to ensure the family is a strong and supportive one and each of us is equally responsible in watching and taking care of other. The lions represent the mother and father and they are the one in charge of the overall guidance, direction and protection of the family. The lions were chosen because lions work as teams, they symbolize strength, royalty (as depicted by the crown on their head) and leadership.

The rope around each lion ties and bond the family to each other and the values the family believe in and live by; we are a family of one. Each lion has a set of wings that represent the mother and father always lifting up the family, taking the family to new heights whether its in the commitment and values of the family or the direction the family is going. The wings on the lions as well as the wings of the dove also represent although in less significant value aviation and say at least one member in the family is a pilot or a part of the aviation community.

The quote “Le chéile ag gach duine a bhaint amach níos” on the bottom banner which is in Irish translate to “Together Everyone Achieve More” is the bedrock foundation of the Barnes family (Barnes is a Irish, Scottish and English name that derive from the word barn and so is the reason why the motto is in Irish). We are a family that work together in all manner of life. We believe that we are and act like a team, a team that love and support each other. A team that when times are difficult we bond tighter together like a Chinese finger trap and become unbreakable. The Barnes family is a family that is many working as one.

Coat of Arm Flag: In addition to creating the COA I decide to create a flag to go with it. Below is a rough idea of what that flag will look like.

Family Flag


So there you have it, my one member family COA and flag, a visual represtation of who I am and what I stand for. The final product is months if not about a year away from completing, but its a nice and fun hobby. Afterall this is who I am and it won't be rush. BTW, this isn't the project I'm working on that I told you about in another blog, that project is still under wrap.

Struggle 2 Survive

Each day I wake up and wonder why I'm still here, how is it possible that I made it to see another day. I'm struggle minute by minute each day both physically and mentally. I'm struggling to hold on to faith I will return home, to LA, soon and once again see my family. Each day it's a battle to continue believing in life, to find some meaning to my life and to the world. I desperately want to return home yet at the same time I also pray for death; how is that possible to ask for two contradicting things. I'm losing faith, losing hoping while I wake each day and see that new day I'm sadden that God has given me strength and breath to witness his wonders while still trap in my prison call Jamaica. It's a physical and mental struggle to see the light in this dark tunnel I'm in, to believe that the light will appear and I will see my mom and sister again. I'm losing the best part of me; my will to press on and not give up, I can feel myself dying on the inside. I want to go home so badly yet I'm lacking the strength, faith and will to endure this experience so that I can make it home. How much longer do I have to go through this, how much longer do I have to be in pain? I've lost so much since being here I wonder why God don't finish the job and take my life.

I wake up each day and understand that this day will be another battle, a battle to hold on to hope and faith, hold on to what little emotional strength I have. I wake up sad and depress wondering when will it be over, when will the pain and tears stop, when will I be able to go home but every day is like the last so I ask God to end it for me since I lack the strength and courage to do it myself. I'm fighting within myself each day for my survival. I no longer see beautiful and joy in life, I no longer see reason or meaning for social interactions, my outlook on life is grim and the things that would be my light in this tunnel; returning home and seeing my family I can't embrace. The love of my life is with another, away from home in a place I strongly dislike and away from my family I struggle to understand how this can be part of God's plan for a better life for me. All I feel is pain, emptiness, sadness and depression. How much longer can I or must I endure this, how much longer will I have to go away from home and my family? Where do I find strength, hope and meaning to all of this madness. I'm trying my best to believe that soon I will leave this place and see my sister but with each day that I'm here my hope and faith is one step closer to fading away. I see no purpose or meaning to my life anymore, I've stop living months again and I'm barely surviving. All I want to do is go home and see my sister but I'm not sure if God will grant me that. He has taken me away from my home and taken away everyone dare to my heart, I don't understand why he doesn't take my life and end the pain I'm in. I'm fighting to hold on but I'm not sure how much strength I have in me, all I want to do is go home… The struggle to survive continue but I'm not sure for how long!

Someone's Regret

Throughout my life with the women that I’ve encountered I’ve wish things were different with them and I. Wish I would have did things differently or not done certain things. But the stories all seem to be the same; I’m the one that misses them, I’m the one that don’t want to live my life without them and I’m the one that regret how things turned out. It’s a torturing feeling, you feel like you’re the problem, like you’re the one that did something wrong and what’s worst you’re the one left in tears and broken heart. But for once, I would like to be the one someone can’t live without. For once I want to be the one someone feel they have to have in their life and would do anything to have back. I want to be someone’s regret, that person she look at and realize she made a mistake letting go or not fighting to hold on to. I want to be that person that she can't get out of her head, she constantly dream of, that person that she feel so deeply for that life isn't worth living without. I’m left feeling empty, broken, rejected and alone because there’s someone I don’t want to live without someone I love with all my heart but can’t be with. For once I want to know what it feel like to have someone beg for me and cry over me, to tell me she's madly in love with me, for once I want someone to feel for me what I’m feeling right now for her.

Endless Sleep

I wonder why God allow me to wake up this morning. Why does he want me to see another day, I see no point in me taking up valuable space on this planet or any other planet, using precious air that can go to someone more deserving. There’s no life in me, no energy to want to live. I’m existing in this world, not living. If only I have to strength to remove myself from this world, remove myself and be done with it. Why do I wake up each moving, why must I endure another day, minute, second in this world. This feels like I dream yet I’m wake awake, I can’t escape or change what’s going on. I’m force to watch my life dissolve before my eyes…. Starting to get another headache, I wish I was dead, I want all of this to be over with.

The Paradox of Love

I’m emotionally out of it. Emotionally I’ve check out. The only emotions I seem to have now is anger and sadness, beyond that I’m numb. Once more I’m having restless nights, having these weird dreams and dreaming constantly about her. My mind, body, heart and soul is in turmoil. Its like being in a barrel while its rolling down the side of a hill, nothing make sense. I can’t even focus on part of the project I've committed myself to completing the story; my thoughts of her, tears and anger over the situation has me exsiting instead of living. Lately, again, I’ve cried myself to sleep, that’s the only way I’ve been able to get any rest, if you want to call it that, pass a few hours. I don’t think I’ve gone a night since the year started without dreaming about her in some way.

Is this the love that so many people want to be in? Am I the only person who sees it for the pain that it is and want nothing to do with it? Love is an evil paradox; when things are good you feel alive, on top of the world, like you can do anything. You feel great and okay with the world, your high on life. But when things are bad, it suck the life out of you. It bring you down faster than gravity. The pain and hurt you feel is enough to make you want to take your life, it destroys you for the inside out. Love is one fuck up paradox which I’m at the bad end of.

Last night in the mist of my tears I went inside the bathroom, cried there for a few minutes then reach for the bottle of Advil… Well, leave it to me to be technical about things; the bottle said expired 12/10 so I assumed they are no longer affective. My life is a sad Italian romance with American drama. All that remain is the tragic end cause by hopelessness. Going to see if I can force myself back to sleep.

Sick... Physical?... Emotional?... Both

Being sick is never a happy feeling regardless of what form of sickness it is. Dealing with one form is bad enough but when its both emotional and physical the feeling can't be properly explained. For going on two weeks now I've been under the weather really badly; flu and bacteria like symptons. Physically its has really knocked me off my feet. Before my body took ill there's my other sickness, the emotional one of the heart. The feeling of being emotionally weak, sad, depress and the list goes on. I'm bearly holding it together emotionally but now my body too is under attack from this unknown source. I feel like my body is breaking down and its hard to tell if its because of my broken heart and state of me or because I'm phycially ill.

I don't have the physical strength nor the emotionally one to properly aid myself in this struggle. My back is killing me, head hurt, coughing like crazy and feeling weak. When I'm not doing that I'm crying, still feeling weak and depress. My entire body is a wreck and there's no to my aid. I'm physically and emotionally under the weather, what a way to end one year and start an other. But I'm trying to accept the now that I'm in, it is what it is.

Understanding

2010 is over, a new year has began. As I look back on 2010 a lot has happen, I’ve grown, I’ve learn, I’m still learning and I’m understanding. So much has happened in ways I’m still trying to understand and make sense of. Going into 2011, I’m broken, damaged, in pain and alone but I’m wiser. I’m beginning to see the world and people a lot differently and I’m becoming more cynical towards people, the world and life. Things aren’t what they appear to be, people aren’t who they say they are and when shit hit the fan the only person you can count on is YOU. 2010 perhaps by far was the most emotional and difficult year for me, I still away from my home and I’ve had to watch helpless as the one I love abandon me when I need her the most. Emotionally she was nowhere to be found. As I reached out to her for strength, comfort, support, love she pulled away, seeking comfort in the arms of others. When the going got tough, she left.

Its eating me up inside as I try to come to terms to the new reality that I’m in; tears still flow from my eyes, heart shattered and numb to the world. I now understand that pain is my comfort. I often steer aimlessly in space, in a daze and would start crying knowing how much pain I’m in, how much it hurt to love someone who doesn’t love you. Looking back on 2010 I understand that life’s only purpose is to end and going into and starting 2011 I’ve asked for my life to end, I no longer fear death or is delusional like so many others who feel death isn’t constantly upon them. Unlike others, I see no purpose to my life and I welcome death to free me of the pain and suffering that I’m going through. I’ve lost love and important people in 2010; my father figured past away in early December and I wasn’t able to pay my final respect, I feel I owe him that much for all that he has done for me and it burn me inside to know I’m unable to do so.

I hear people say they are living life or that I’m living or should live life, I now feel that’s bullshit. Life is an illusion of death, the reality is each moment, second, minute, hour and day we are “living” the reality is we draw one step closer to our death. The only time we were truly alive was the moment of our birth, after that we started the journey of our death. We are dead men and women walking and the illusion we give ourselves is what we do between the moment we are born and the moment we die actually matter and make a difference. It doesn’t matter what we do, we are all going to die. All we do is hurt each other with our actions and lies. As much as I am in pain right now once I die it won’t matter, the pain will go away and my life just as the lives of countless before me and countless after me won’t matter to the universe or God. My life and the life of everyone in this world is meaningless; pain and a broken heart in 2010 taught me that.

Realizing that God doesn’t answer prayers; logically he can’t answer everyone's prayers, its impossible nor does he really care is what I learned in 2010. God is a spectator and we are the game he’s watching for entertainment. Now I understand, the shit we care about, the people we care love, all of it doesn’t matter. We care for people when it fit our benefit, we love people because we are selfish and want to be love in return. We love ONLY when it benefit our needs and is easy, once it become hard we turn and run. Life is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now, love is a bunch of bullshit and I understand that now. The only thing that seems to make sense now in my world is pain and death. I’m in pain but I understand and I realize why, all that remain is death to free me from this illusion.

Trying Different Things

So far the year started the same way it ended; tears and emotional pain. But I'm trying for the new year something I've thought about doing but never really given it much enegry until now. I'm being tight lip about it, doesn't ask me why but I'm not completely ready to share it with those who aren't helping me with the project plus I don't want anyone taking my idea.

I'm stepping outside my box a bit, trying things I've never done before. Its difficult working on this project simply because I'm doing something I don't like to do nor have any experience at it. But something inside me is telling me I should bring it to life so that's what I'm going to try to do. Whether its successful or not isn't the issue but if it does see the light of day I will be extremely proud of myself for accomplishing this goal.